Trying to help my boyfriend

Would he consider joining the guys here on NoFap?

No, it's not your job to watch him and stop him from watching porn.

Many therapists say that this "behavioral addiction" needs group support --- there are many in-person groups available (like AA) and perhaps his therapist (or another therapist) could recommend a group. Yes, he can't do it alone, but you can't be his accountability partner, either.

If he can't even be honest with the therapist, perhaps he's not quite ready to commit to recovery, and he is making excuses that it only happens when you are not home. That's really unfair to you. Maybe he'd go to a therapist w/ you?

Ones that are trained / certified by iitap or csat have the qualifications.

 

Welcome to the forum. Firstly, don't feel bad or guilty for taking his problem more seriously. It is not widely known that there is such a thing as porn or sex addiction. Even the addicts themselves do not know they are addicted until things get to a point where they are unable to cope any longer.

Also understand that it is primarily the addict's responsibility to take charge of their recovery. They can ask for help and support but ultimately they are the ones who have to remain clean no matter their circumstances. The addict needs to come up with a complete recovery plan or abstinence plan to attack the problem. That may involve reading books, following an online recovery program, joining a support group, seeing a therapist, getting on meds, journaling, finding an Accountability Partner, etc. Once he has a plan then he can tell you specifically what he needs. It is not your job to guess what he needs or do the research for him.

The addict needs to start digging into the reasons why he is drawn to addiction and start addressing them. Babysitting the addict through his detox phase without addressing fundamental problems will fail in the long run. The moment you leave him alone he will go back to his addiction. The addict needs to start to identify triggers and work on changing behaviors that lead to a relapse. Often talking about his problem is the best way to help. Commend him for making legitimate progress but challenge him when he seems to be backsliding. Express hope and confidence in him as a person.

If he is not clicking with his therapist then he needs to find another. Not all therapists are the same and it can be a waste of time and money to keep seeing one that is a mismatch or may not be qualified.

I think we all admire your desire to help. Just be careful about accepting too much responsibility. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. The addict is the one who had to do the work. It is not an easy process but we all have to go through it in order to get better. There is no shortcut or 'easy' way to do it. Do not allow your past guilt make you feel like you are obligated to accept more responsibility that is warranted. Maintain your boundaries and communicate your expectations. Remember that you are his girlfriend and not his policeman, mother, therapist, or priest. I hope you find the answers you need to help heal your relationship.

 

It's hard. And it'll get rough before it gets better. Just "wanting to quit" isn't always enough. It has to be a actual drive. An internal ambition on its own train. I discovered that with my guy. It took him almost losing his family first to see the damage, however. He had to look deep, and get past the denial.
Your boyfriend has to be aware of his own habits and triggers and until he wants to look at his life with realistic eyes and say Yes, this is where, why, what I'm feeling, who is around, and which time of day he usually falls into old patterns. Or he's never going to break his cycles and replace them with new healthy habits. I_wanna_get_better_1 is right about the therapist.
If he's not being transparent and honest, therapy isn't working. Maybe try someone who is a additicton specialist. They all use the same rainbow effect for recovery.
Maybe try the NoFap Academy.
Maybe draw up a Boundaries List. My guy found this to be one of the most helpful things about Couples Counciling.

--Boundaries List - -
A How To-
First thing first, don't ask anything you wouldnt do yourself.
Rules of the relationship are Equal.
Can be vetoed, by either.
No more than 5 each (to be easy to remember) if one puts in a rule the other can ammend said rule.
Rules have consequences. (those vary, by couple, of course)
Rules are equal for both parties at all times.
My guy put in our list - no porn. (I don't watch it either now, not even occasionally)
I said, no social media. He deleted Twitter. - lots of triggers on Twitter (Mine was already gone.)
And so on.
Sometimes feeling like you are doing it too, even if it was never a problem for you, is like a emotional hand hold.
He made it a year.

Be honest with each other.
If you have feelings, share them.
Use "i" statements.
Don't attack him. The guilt makes it worse.
Be distant, but supportive.
You are strong.
Remember that this is going to get better. It's OK to grieve. Yes. Grieve. Things aren't going to be what they were or whatever you thought they were going to be. Everything changes. Doesn't mean it's bad. Sometimes you just have to climb the rocky mountain to see a magnificent sunset, is all.