Trying to make a big change but struggling mentally.

Hi Silent,

I see that you are breaking bad habits, which I think is a good thing, but the converse is to be done as well, what are some good habits you’d like for yourself that fit who you really are?

In regards to the issues you are dealing with, you seem to point out well what disturbs you emotionally, now don’t run from these hard emotions, learn to live and understand them. An action like PMO due to that emotion, is an attempt to cancel it, but one should seek to understand the emotion and let it be. Changing the emotion will not teach you anything and it makes it easier for it to happen again, the more you learn about the emotion and don’t try to force it away the more you will be able to control it.

As far as the communication problems go as you say, I say learn about yourself and invest in yourself first. Do you take care of yourself? Do you care or understand yourself? You most likely will have to do a lot of this on your own and it will take a while. We are in the world as ourselves, no one can take that away from us and no one truly wants anything else from someone, if they do it says more about them than you. Good books for learning to think and understanding identity could be useful. Try to slow down and focus on little things that you can do for a better life, it will come in time.

 

I wish I had some good advice. I have struggled with these things to. I started focusing on improving myself, like learning to play guitar and find things that interest me. Then I got involved in Meetup groups to find people that like similar things. It takes time, but you have to be good to yourself and realize you are worth every second!

 

Hi @SilentJay313 , I would like to say a few things here :

1. In my opinion, DON'T beat yourself up because you're not able to maintain a streak. The streak should be a BY-PRODUCT and NOT THE FOCUS of your recovery. I already see you're making attempts to talk to people and gain confidence which is GOOD. Hell, you're better off than me (I've been clean for 21 days or so) in that regard. Of course, you WON'T get the results immediately because that's JUST LIFE. But in my opinion, you should keep trying because sooner or later you'll find someone who's willing to talk to you and you can build your confidence from there. I would say it doesn't matter if people reject your attempts initially (though I know it hurts a lot) because you don't know what sort of mood they're in. But, if you don't try you'll never find out.

2. Since you say you're studying, maybe you can make your academics the FOCUS of your recovery for now. Maybe you could draw up a schedule to study various subjects in a day and try to stick to it. Having screwed up my time at a university, I can say first hand that good grades leads to confidence. In addition to this, maybe you could approach some faculty to author/co-author a research paper. That would be seriously cool. Imagine how your CV would like like if you had a publication with your name on it. Again, this would give you confidence. In case your attempts to talk to people are not bearing immediate fruit, you can always take confidence from the fact that you're spending quality time on your academics.

3. Regarding porn fantasies, I'm with you. I too have had a tough time with them. But, I've often noticed that I begin fantasizing only after I've been exposed to a trigger (a naughty ad, a naughty photo etc.). Is that the case with you ? Maybe you could avoid such triggers if possible. Maybe when you're having these fantasies, you could turn your attention to your schedule and think of what things need to be done. This urge to fap because of fantasies is temporary (though I admit it is strong) but it will subside after some time. You just have to get through that phase when you're vulnerable by diverting your mind to something else (your schedule for instance).

Hope this helps. Don't give up.

 

Same situation bruv.

I too tried making some changes in my clothing and stuff,and have all the same problems you mentioned (Except the family issues).

Studying is a problem for me too. I always end up watching a movie or some YouTube videos and wasting time.

But I can give myself credit for exercising. Hopefully that will bring my mind more discipline eventually.

As for self esteem:

Earlier, whenever I would go out, I would always be conscious of how I was looking (my weight, hair, fat stomach, etc).
I would walk around pulling my stomach inside, trying to hide my faults (you get the point).

Now when I go out,I say to myself in my mind, "This is me. This is how I am. With my fat stomach, and weird hair, and everything else that may or may not be weird. And I think I'm awesome the way I am".

That way, I dont feel bad about myself. It isn't much, but it helps in the initial stages of transformation.

Another thing I started doing was to stop comparing myself with others no matter what.

Their lives and my life did not start the same way, and most certainly will not end the same way. What's the point in comparing?

Besides, nobody speaks about all the bad things in their life. People only tell you the good things. There are also people who lie about their lives and life experiences and stuff. No point feeling bad because of these things.

Good Luck brother, I hope we both make it through. I also hope the problems you have at home get solved quickly.

 

I was in somewhat of your situation before.

For your people-talking problem, it's quite odd just starting conversations out of the blue. Though I wouldn't express distaste if some random were to initiate a conversation with me, I'd find it weird that some random is suddenly talking to me all of a sudden. Maybe instead try and approach girls and getting their number; it's more socially acceptable, and not really peculiar because heaps of guys do it.

I am in the same situation as you, in regards to your PMO problem. It seems like you're not getting out of your room often. I've experienced this heaps of times. The only times I go out is to go to Uni, and/or hang out with my friends. My solution; force myself to go out of my house (productively, of course), either initiate a hang out with friends or read my self-improvement books and/or study my Uni work in a library. This is done to occupy the mind, and; being in public and on the move, doesn't give the opportunity to PMO for us horny time-bombs.

For your studying one, I haven't fully solved this one either. What's working for me so far is a habit of doing assessment(s), and studying everyday for 30 minutes.

These are just my ¢2 on the matter though, I mean no harm in what ever I say. Hope you find closure to your issues brother.

 

Hi @SilentJay313, since you say you have a job, can you afford to move out of your parents' house and find a place on your own ? That might solve the domestic issues that are bugging you (just a suggestion). Maybe a couple of your friends could pitch in (if they're willing) and you folks could move into an apartment ? Trust me, living by yourself teaches you a lot. You'll have to look out for yourself eventually so why not start now ? Just food for thought.