Trying to Protect a Very Vulnerable Heart

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The rebooting journey is a hard one but we are here to make progress by trying different methods until we find the right one.
One method that has helped me is to journal my experiences. Last year I began writing about my reboot process and it helped keep me motivated and accountable.
That was the case until my life became more difficult and it was then that I went back to my journal and instead of finding it helpful and motivating, it caused me great pain to read through it. I couldn't even find the strength to add to it new entries about my growing and intensifying problems. It wasn't easy for me but out of pain and sorrow I deleted my recovery diary. It was then that along with other things I have recently encountered through my recovery process that I had to admit something I didn't want to accept about myself which is: My heart is more broken than I cared to acknowledge.
I do see myself as very resilient but I know I still have lots of work to do to allow myself to find inner healing.
Being that I'm still not where I want to be in my recovery I know I have to be extra careful so my heart stays safe. I do want to find my SO but I know that my priority is to recover from this addiction. This addiction can easily blind me and make me vulnerable to believe in someone who's not really interested in a committed relationship.
I will not go into any details about why I'm saying this but my advice to NF members who are single and feeling lonely is to (Please!) make your reboot your priority. Learn as much as you can about addiction recovery and about yourself. What is it about yourself and your circumstances that pushed you into this addiction. For me I believe that a big contributing factor came from my very abusive upbringing.
So I recommend that you work on yourself first and not stress over finding the right person. He/she will eventually come into your life. But don't forget that happiness comes from within. We can be complete even while single. Yeah, I know it's sooo hard but it's what we need. We only get one heart so best keep it safe.
We can't afford to forget that if something seems too good to be true it most likely is.
 
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What has become clear to me is while some people may find you fairly attractive sexually, plenty of them will never step up for you when the going gets tough. The other person gets something out of the attraction, the attention and feeling good, and it's just kind of strange to me to consider that may not match up with the kind of altruism that some people will give for free - that's just a lot more rare than people who doesn't want to be single.

Simply put, they may be sexy and may even like you, but that's about it - not being willing to deal with the tough things in life pretty much means they don't love you, if they even have enough depth as a person to do that at all. That's just way too shallow for a so called intimate relationship for me and I cannot spend time on that in the least.
 
Thank you for your comments I appreciate you having stopped by to read my post :)

I'm fighting to stay positive I don't want the roaring waves around me to sink my boat. They have already caused a lot of damage to my vessel but I just can't let them bring me down. I will keep pressing on I don't want to go back to hiding behind an addiction that only offers a false sense of control. A place of blinding neon signs that only sends me off into detours that prevent me from advancing to where I really want to go and be. The place where I am at right now is dark and scary full of angry faces that speak a cruel and threatening language which I refuse to accept as normal and acceptable. It's this type of storm that has weakened my resolve in the past but I'm tired of having so many setbacks I can't let them intimidate me anymore. I need to stay sober so that I can mend my boat so that it can have the strength and capacity to help me escape this Bermuda Triangle type of environment.
Stay strong my heart you have better days to see up ahead!
 
You mention something that I overlooked. I aso feel that my heart is very vulnerable to being broken. I might even dare say that it has been broken. It could have contributed to my problem with PMO. It’s been almost a year since I started NoFap and overall it’s been going well. I think I also need to be careful with my heart. I feel stronger mentally and spiritually but emotionally I’m still working on it.
 
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