Trying to Start Over

Hi I am a 39 year old married father. I guess I am what you might call a "functional" addict. I have had a successful career and most of the people that know me wouldn't guess at the struggle I am going through. I started MO when I was about 14 in the typical ways that men my age did before high-speed internet was widely available. From the very start I felt like MO for me was a bit out of control. I did it to the point where it was painful and often in place of engaging in other activities. Looking back I am sure I was masking a lot of childhood hurt and awkwardness. The only other thing that stands out to me regarding my childhood is that I was watching R-rated material at an age that strikes me as way to young....and my parents never discussed sex with me...ever.

I won't get into any potentially triggering details but in my mid-twenties I discovered PMO and internet dating and it was like throwing gasoline on a fire for me. I had actual relationships with real women but aside from a few they were largely superficial and based almost totally on having a convenient means of sex. This has progressed from one thing to another by degrees throughout my adult life. The longest I have been able to abstain from PMO in recent memory is 14 days. Day 3 and Day 10 tend to be my typical failure points.

PMO has lead me into some bad situations in real life, it's hurt me financially, and I know it's leeches time and energy I could be spending on my family, health, or business. My proclivities for PMO (while not illegal or anything) have gone to places that I know aren't really me and I don't know where that train is going to stop....that frightens me.

They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different result...and that is exactly what I have been doing for quite some time.

Joining up here is an effort on my part to break that cycle and hopefully get some different results.

Thanks for reading.

Check out my on-going journal here..
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/theghostwhowalks-journal.207270/

 

Thank you for the welcome. I read your post and found it very informative and consistent with things I have had success with in the past. I found a few of your takes on things particularly interesting.

 

Jefe Rojo,
Thanks for taking the time to respond. My goals are pretty..general..I guess you might say. I want to successfully make it through a 90 day reboot with no PMO whatsoever. In the past I have set out to just eliminate porn without addressing masturbation or only addressing it in a limited way. I have just found it to be a slippery slope back into old behaviors. I want to do a full 90 day reboot and evaluate when I can be more sure that it is in my control and not merely my "addictive voice" talking.

 

Jefe Rojo,

That has been my experience as well thru too many repetitions of trial and error. Thanks again for the feedback.