Trying to stop lying to myself

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by boilerball123, Jun 12, 2018.

  1. boilerball123

    boilerball123 Fapstronaut

    My story goes like this - from the moment that I had access to an internet connection at the age of 15, I immediately sought out porn. Even on a dial-up modem, the siren's call of forbidden flesh was so powerful for my young mind to work through. Even when my parents caught me, or had me pay for an "accidental" long distance call to a internet porn site in an overseas country, I could not be stopped. I only worked harder to not be caught the next time.

    As I entered college, the unfettered freedom of the dormitory coupled with the faster internet speeds only fed this beast growing inside me. Sure, I had a girlfriend, and yes, we did engage in sexual acts and eventually intercourse, but those things couldn't keep me from self-indulgences when we were apart. As I moved on from college and my college girlfriend, I found myself in graduate school. Fully on my own for the first time, my spiral continued ever downward. On days where I would work, I would open the day with porn and masturbation and close it in the same manner. On weekends, I would do even more, masturbating in the hours in between. I could come up with a hundred excuses for why - boredom, loneliness, etc. The truth was I couldn't help myself and didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

    That's when my wife came along. She was Catholic, I at the time was "Christian" but didn't know much else. We courted, we got along great - she brought me back home to the church and started to repair some of my spiritual life, but I could never bring myself to tell her about this part of me. As we grew closer, our sexual lives grew closer as well - we would engage in sexual acts, but not intercourse. We got married, we were having sex and things were going well - aside from the fact that I was still watching porn and self-gratifying after she would go to sleep or when she wasn't home. Twins came along, then another, and I was still living this lie. Sure, she had caught me once or twice, but I lied my way through it, said it was a one-time thing, hid from the reality.

    Finally, last year during Holy Week, I could not hold it in any longer. I confessed to my wife about my addiction to porn, my compulsive masturbation, the whole deal. It was the hardest month of our marriage. Complicating things further was the fact that we were trying to have another child and that child miscarried. But we got through it - my wife was acting as my accountability partner, helping me through the rough patches, offering what she could as my wife to keep me on the straight and narrow.

    Things were going ok - we actually had the best summer of our marriage last year. Late in the summer we conceived again. I had worries about having to go without sex or masturbation, but knew that she would help as best as she could. Even with her being on vaginal rest, I managed to go on two separate 45 day streaks without masturbating. Things were turning up - I was starting to win!

    Unfortunately, since the birth of my daughter a few weeks ago, I have started to turn downward again. I have become dishonest with myself and with others about my habits. I began passively and actively seeking inappropriate images. Last week, I broke down and masturbated to such images twice in the same day - the first time I had done something like that in over a year. Tonight, I looked at a number of provocative images and ended up edging and nearly having an orgasm. I feel like I am in the midst of a hardcore relapse session and am in serious trouble.

    I know that I cannot do this on my own. I know I need the help of others and that is why I am here tonight. Please help.
    PMO addict and Deleted Account like this.
  2. drac16

    drac16 Fapstronaut

    Try fasting; go without food and drink from sunrise until sunset. I have done it before and it has helped me tremendously. When your stomach is empty, your mind is not capable of thinking about sex because it will be focused on the hunger pangs. Moreover, it will increase your confidence because once you fast for a few days, you will already have taught yourself to abstain from PMO. Give it a shot.
  3. Hi. Welcome to forum!

    Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

    I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain. It is a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body. Check out this Ted talk, it gives a good idea of what's it about when it comes to philosophy. As far as practical side of it there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations to get you started.

    Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!

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