Trying to understand

I did a brain-dump of my rebooting tips here. And @IGY started a very useful thread: The Rebooting Toolbox (Tips and Tricks).

I'm the addict so I cannot really help you there. But here are a couple of thoughts

1. Don't try to be his accountability partner. You need him to be honest with you but on your terms when you are ready to listen. My wife has told me that she does not want anymore revelations about my past behaviour. When he says something that hurts you you will inevitably get defensive or angry. That's not what he needs. He can find plenty of support here (or with an accountability partner or a therapist); you do not need to subsume your own psychological needs in your desire to help him. Look after yourself.
2. My wife's self-confidence and self-esteem has been totally turned around by me giving up porn. I am amazed how different she is. And she says things like "I feel more loved by you now than I ever have". We've been together since 1983 so that's a big deal! If he can really dedicate himself to this, and do the hard work that recovery takes, then you will (I believe) start to feel better about yourself. Wives and girlfriends here often say that we addicts need to be in recovery for ourselves not for them. There's truth in that, but we are also doing it for the ones we love, so that our hipocracy doesn't hurt them and diminish them anymore.

No-one knows. I feel like I will be fighting this addiction forever. Recovered alcoholics often still think of themselves as alcoholics, it helps them to stay away from alcohol. I did read (this thread) that the rule-of-thumb is two months for every year of porn use (so my reboot will take 2,131 days!)

 

Honestly, I think it is an endless battle. My husband has been fighting this our entire marriage. 28 years, 5 years in counseling. He’s had varying degrees of success and failures throughout that time. He’s just over a year clean right now. Wanting to quit AND finding the right help has been integral to his recovery.