Trying to wrap my head around this

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by sotiredofthis, Jan 18, 2020.

  1. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

    I’ve been reading your logs, your posts, everything I can to try to understand this addiction.

    my fears: that my husband is willing to give me up for the women he desires online that he can’t even touch. So being able to touch me is apparently doesn’t even compare because he chooses them over me every single time.
    That what I thought was an absolutely amazing marriage we have (he says so too) is actually a farce or he would put me in front of those women and stay away from them. Because nobody who loves me like he says he does would purposely damage me over and over like this.
    That he keeps me for emotional and mental stimulation and uses me as a means to have real sex while fantasizing about the online women he can’t touch.
    That he would leave me if he could for one of those women but he can’t get them so he has to settle for me and settles for fantasizes of them.
    That he lies to me over and over because he needs them. If he disclosed or tells the truth, he will be forced to stop seeing them online.
    Love and sex go together for me, so the last assumption is he must want them long term for love/relationship etc.

    I would like input from men with wives that do what my husband does. I mostly get from him “I don’t know” so I’ve had to form my own opinions. I need to know why!

    He’s in group, individual, etc etc. But no matter how I beg, how I support, he cannot stop lying. Not once has he disclosed a truth on his own and when he finally fesses up, it’s only because I have major proof and he can’t lie. Which is why the conclusions I made above are my truth at this point.
    I need to stop being a hamster in a wheel.
  2. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut


    So sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I recently posted on another thread about the reasons men lie about their porn addictions.

    At the moment when temptation strikes, the attraction of the dopamine 'hit' overrides his fears about the consequences for your relationship. He may rationalise it with 'if she doesn't find out, then it won't hurt her.' Then in his warped brain, the lying is a rational way to minimise the damage. I'm not an expert, but I guess that this is similar to what happens with other addictions. Porn addiction and alcoholism share many characteristics including the fact that both alcohol and porn are everywhere in our modern society, so temptation is never far away. While porn addiction won't ultimately kill the addict the way the alcohol can, it can be every bit as distructive to a marriage, particularly as the SO is likely to think 'those women are more attractive than I am' whereas she wouldn't think. 'that cheap cider is more attractive than I am.'

    I am reluctant to give specific advice as I am not a professional. But for him to give up porn I think you will need the following:

    1. He must want to give up. He must view the idea of a future life without porn and with a happy marriage as preferable to his current situation
    2. He must truly understand how destructive his lying is, and commit to being honest with you. (Could couples therapy help?)
    3. The consequences of lying must start to outweigh the benefits. This may mean you have to raise the stakes and spell out what happens if he lies to you again.
    Once again, I am sorry for what you are going through.
    I hope this post helps in some small way.

  3. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

    I’ve been on the couch for a week now. We have a guest room but the couch has a tv so my mind doesn’t race.
    We tried couple therapy with his therapist. It didn’t work because he kept lying to him too. He lies to everyone who wants to help. I told him I will not see another therapist with him until he stops lying. Because anything else is a waste of my time.

    You’re right. Each time this happens, his crying, swear he’s going to change, ramping up therapy, puts me back in our bed and his arms within a couple weeks.

    Epiphany!! I need to stay on the couch and no intimacy for a lot longer. I need to stay on the couch until I can trust him, not until I feel bad for him. I didn’t trust him at any point for the last 3 month dry out (or not apparently). if I would have stayed on the couch for 3 months instead of 2 weeks, this situation may look different now.

    5 years ago we went to Hawaii. The night before, I discovered porn once again. I broke up with him but we took the trip. The whole time he was crushed but managed to stare down women in bikinis. It stressed me out so bad I ended up non-stop throwing up and to the ER. Flew home and back to the ER again. I told him never in our lives will I go back to Hawaii with him.
    Well......guess who’s going to Hawaii in April. I thought maybe he is through it “this time” so I was going to face my fears. I’m already having anxiety about it.
    anewhope likes this.
  4. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi sotiredofthis,

    You need to look after your own mental health. If being with him is causing this level of anxiety, then it might be time to consider the alternatives. Are you in a position where you could credibly leave him? Do you have the financial security to be able to do that? I am a big fan of long-term relationships (my wife and I have been together for over thirty years) and there is always the fear that if you got out of this particular frying pan, you could end up in an even worse fire. (Single men without issues are, to say the least, elusive) so leaving him is best considered a last resort.

    Horribly difficult though it is, I think you need to decide what your acceptable end-states are. What if he were never able to quit - would you choose a life on your own over spending the rest of your life with him as an addict? If this has already been going on for years and therapy isn't working, there is every chance that it will carry on for years more, unless you do something different; something more drastic, to try to create the conditions for change.

    Withdrawing intimacy longer-term may work, but after the initial shock it may just settle down into the new normal and cease to have an impact. You may just end up in a sexless marriage. If you are prepared to consider leaving him, and you believe he really does want to be with you, then you can use that as a threat. But don't make that threat unless you are prepared to go through with it.

    If that is a course of action you can contemplate, then you need to sit down with him and make him understand the damage his lies are doing to you and that you cannot carry on living like this. He needs to understand that if he continues to lie, then the marriage will be over.

    Sorry that this isn't a cheery upbeat message. I am sure there are other SOs here who have faced exactly this dilemma and can offer better advice than I can. I am sure they will reach out to you.

    I wish you the very best

  5. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

    Financially I make more than him and it was my home he moved into, so I am set there. My father was a sex addict and my first husband was a porn addict to the max. When I met my now husband, I told him I had to do years of mental and emotional work to get through my past. I talked quite a bit about sex addiction, so he knew how I felt about it and how it had destroyed my world at both points. Yet he never walked away with his secret which would have been the respectable thing to do. When I found out a year into our relationship, hell broke. But I was already “in love”.
    I’ve never let myself love a man, even my first husband, Until I did the years worth of work on myself. By the time I met my now husband, I let myself love a man for the first time. So you could say he’s my first love, which is harder than hell to walk away from. Twice I left him and ended up so sick I had to go to the ER to stabilize.
    After one particularly hard relapse of his, I purposely went out and kissed another man, and then told my husband. I was trying to get him to walk away. He blamed what I did on himself and wouldn’t leave. I told him NO I am responsible for my own actions. He disagreed over and over.

    I feel like I’m embarking on War of the Roses if you’ve ever seen that movie LOL
    anewhope likes this.
  6. I know what you mean....It's so difficult to give up on what finally showed itself to be what "real love" is..... but then question that after committing to it because it's killing you. I'm chronically ill since two years ago. Discovered the compulsive lying a little before that..... found the porn connection a bit later. But I sometimes think betrayal trauma activated this state of health in a major way. I had a disease i didnt know i had for a majority of my life and it showed itself just months after he first betrayed me over a coworker.....coincidence...??
    anewhope likes this.
  7. PaulPaul

    PaulPaul Fapstronaut

    PMO addicts tell themselves lies, excuses and weird theories as well. It's not until someone else opens their eyes that they start to accept the true consequences of their actions. For me (the pmo addict) this was writing with SO's on nofap. They opened my eyes to my own distorted views. Talking with my wife was important for our feelings and rebuilding trust. But for a real inside view, you need someone outside of the relation. At least, I did.

    Some personality disorders, narcissism in particular, will prevent a men from ever opening his eyes.
    anewhope likes this.
  8. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I was going to write that you are exactly correct in insisting that he start with not lying to his therapist and working with them.

    But, really, from what you have written about him AND yourself, you just have too leave. He's a pretty good example of someone not ready or able to change and you take his actions harder than most with the results of physical sickness.

    I can't really see how this ends well. I would encourage you to set boundaries for yourself including a timeline for major change and stick to it. Make a plan, free from an emotional high or low, where you will be satisfied that walking away was the right choice.
    anewhope and PaulPaul like this.

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