Tug of War: Being Social vs. Being Alone

Hey guys,
So I’m new to the NoFap Community and I hope I can be a part of helping people out as well as getting the help that I need. I wanted to share a few of my feelings, particularly the ones I believe have prompted me to give in to masturbation and porn the most.

First off, I’ll tell a little about myself. I am a first year college student. I’m still in the process of transitioning into everything, meeting new people, making new friends, hopefully finding “the one.” But I’ve never been the best at being social: a part of it is my shyness, kind of mixed in with my perfectionist attitude— sometimes I’d rather stay in my room than mingle and risk making a mistake and looking stupid and stuff like that— but the other part of it is my frustration towards people. I don’t know what it is, whether it’s actually the people’s fault or me setting too high expectations, but people have been constantly disappointing me and I’m getting sick of it.
Now I try to be nice. I try to be friendly, supportive, funny, everything a friend would want, but it’s like.. they aren’t as committed as I am. Everyone around me seems to be “all set” in that whether or not I’m a part of their lives is irrelevant, because they already have everything they need. It pisses me off how people make me feel, so I spend a lot of my time alone..
but that’s not the end of it. Unfortunately, humans are wired to be social, and I am no exception. I can’t stay alone forever. But I try to anyway, and what means of release do I use to fill the void of being alone? Yep, you guessed it, masturbation.
Being a Christian, I’m guilty every time I do it, sometimes to the point of hating myself. I get depressed, then I do it again, and this cycle continues.

I’m not going to try making myself look like a victim; I know well enough at this point that that doesn’t do anything. I think the best thing I can do for myself is push to be social anyway, regardless of my shyness and frustrations. I’m trying to believe that there are people I will meet who will care about me, be there for me, and make me feel complete, and everyday I try telling myself that this is not too much to ask for. But being social is important, especially regarding the masturbation aspect.
When you’re alone, you have everything bottled up in your head, and you look to your fantasies for release. What I think is the best thing about this community is that through it, we have an alternative, and better, means of release. Here we can speak out our struggles and not have to bottle them up like we normally do.
I hope all of that helps^. I just wanted to highlight the basis of my struggles.

 

I agree with your point. I think instead of saying “someone who makes me feel complete,” I meant to say “someone who brings out the best in me.” But I totally agree with you. I shouldn’t depend on other people to make me feel complete. That should be my job.