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TW: HOCD, childhood experiences, toxic cycle of PMO, healing from the downward spiral

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Son_Of_GodSource, May 18, 2023.

  1. Son_Of_GodSource

    Son_Of_GodSource Fapstronaut

    *Possible triggers*

    This is my first post, and it’s gonna be a long ass one. So to my bro’s and sis’, sit tight LOL.

    What I’m going to say is gonna be all over the place which is a reflection of the current state of my being right now. Plus brain fog is absolutely crazy lately, feel so sluggish, corrupted, disgusting, on edge, and “broken”. Enough of the negative energy talking tho.

    I wanna start off by saying No-PMO to me is a lifestyle, a commitment for life. This is another stepping stone which helps with working towards a better version of myself, and a catalyst in my journey towards inner healing which ofc has a butterfly effect into the external. A path of freedom, love, genuine connection, intimacy, monogamy, loyalty, diligence. Liberation from hypersexuality, perversions, and deviancy. It’s self-improvement of the self in a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual/energetic way. All are intertwined and work together.
    Anyways, here’s little bit of background.
    I’m a 23 years old, single, heterosexual man. Unfortunately I’ve never been in a relationship yet, and I think the main reason is because of the effects of pornography+childhood sexual grooming abuse/manipulated experiences, etc.

    I’ve also been dealing with intrusive thoughts (HOCD) AKA (S-OCD), social anxiety, unwanted arousal, and sometimes get flashbacks/triggers of what I now perceive as sexual abuse that I endured when I was a child still developing. I’ve experienced other subtypes of OCD before but this is the one that’s been looping for a while now 24/7 constantly from the moment I get up, until the moment I sleep. Sometimes it’ll even make it’s way into the sleepstate in the form of nightmares, or disturbing wet dreams.

    Looking back, It seems that I was a pretty hypersexual kid. I did things to girls and had a few experiences with boys too. I’m disgusted and I can’t believe I managed to even carry out those actions. As a kid there was no consent involved. Not when something was done to me, or when I was the one doing something to the other person.

    I was introduced to the evil, vile, illusive, artificial, dangerous, unfulfilling, empty, unrealistic toxic shit which is pornography when I was super young. A seven to eight year old who was hypersexual + had internet + a device (PSP) makes for a really fckd up combination. You’d be surprised what a kid could find by just adding “xxx” to just about anything they could think of. I can’t imagine the impact all that shit had on me. 15 years later and look, I feel like I’m struggling to finally rid this poison permanently for good, but am determined to move forward no matter what and will never give up on self rehabilitation/healing.

    The same person that introduced pornography to me, showed me how to look it up, and how to masturbate is the same person that took advantage of me on many occasions and warped my sexuality at such a young age.. This carried on for around 4-5 years until I turned around 12 years old. It would happen during sleepovers, visits, etc. They were someone I was close to. An older cousin of mine. In these same-sex experiences there was absolutely no attraction or romance whatsoever, just wanna clarify that. I admired them as an older bro and that’s it. They abused that trust and connection.

    I’m not gonna go into details but one early memory I remember, is during a sleepover when they were watching porn on their blackberry next to me, next they were grabbing my hand and guiding it into their pants, then them showing me how to masturbate them, and they were holding my own hands around their genitals and kept moving it in up and down positions.
    There was another moment where I was at my cousins house sleeping over, we were in the garage just playing hockey, or b-ball, or looking at porn on psp, when one of his cousins was there. I remember one of the guys on the floor naked all of a sudden (did it so abruptly) which now that I think about it shows that they did things to each other for sure) I don’t know if this rlly happened or not but I prob felt intimidated, and that they wouldn’t think I was cool enough if i didn’t do what they did. Looking back there were around 2 oral situations and I’m disgusted by them. My heart’s sinking and I feel so much anger. I don’t know if it was a real memory or not, but I’m pretty sure there was oral involved. I was a fucking kid, super naive, and never said no.

    I forgive my cousin, but the anger feels violent, because I was wronged, taken advantage of, and I wish those homosexual experiences never happened. My life would be so much better I feel If I never experienced those traumatic moments. Even as a kid experimenting, even If I initiated on some occasions, or felt sexual excitement from the secrecy, touching, being touched, I believe I never would’ve done these things If i was never groomed or programmed, or taken advantage of… or if porn never existed! Those experiences were unnatural to me and only happened because of what that person had done to me. I see it as grooming/conditioning. Anyways I felt like I was part of the gang if you know what i mean… as cringey as that sounds. A child who felt like they were part of the group, and cool enough to hang.

    Over time I remember that due to secrecy, and the act of touching each other (giving and receiving) it started to program my pre-pubescent brain to associate those sensation’s with seeming pleasure due to sexual stimulation, feeling validated, and like a cool kid because I was doing things my older cousin asked me to do. Bear in mind, I was so young I couldn’t get an erection or ejaculate.
    Idk if it’s a (hopefully false memory) but I remember even feeling excited sometimes, after while maybe I was even initiating too and looking forward to it, sheesh. Sometimes there were painful moments back then too, I remember sitting on the toilet one time bleeding a little when I wiped my ass after taking a shit, and contemplating telling my mom about the abuse, but for some reason I never did. Maybe I didn’t want that person getting into trouble. All I know is that he did things to my older sister too, but she never once snitched him out either.

    Damn, I wonder how they feel about all that shit in their childhood/teens they did. Probably suicidal, depressed, regretful, and shocked. The more i think about it now, I think I used to dissociate during those moments.

    Think about the psychological/mental/sexual effects this would have on a developing child who's never experienced real sexual intimacy yet, doesn't know shit about sex/relationships. So young that they don't know how this would affect them later, the impacts it has on influencing their mental mapping, and sexual arousal template. As children we're too young to make these decisions for ourselves and are not mature/wise enough to reflect on the consequences of their actions. In my life, that’s gotta be up there as the cruelest, harshest, regretful experience(s) I’ve ever had and I wish they never happened to begin with. I’ve had thoughts of suicidal ideation just looking back at those experiences and reliving them in my head. It is what it is, gotta stop living in the past and just let it be. What’s done is done, quit focusing on the negative right.

    Moving forward, as time went on over the years, I completely forgot or pushed away those experiences until a few years ago around 2019-2020. Then the HOCD kicked in, and still dealing with it. Felt even more suicidal, confused, panicky. I was/still sometimes being constantly bombarbed with flashbacks, and remembering certain scents, tastes, and physical sensations. Usually cologne or certain body washes would be a trigger in the environment which sometimes cause me to freeze, relive the experience in my mind, causing me to freak out internally, and get scared. I would obsess and keep questioning over and over why they’re coming up, why now, what does it mean, how can I remember something like that. Which enforces the loop of obsessing, in turn fueling hocd.
    If it means anything, I was usually given the “submissive” role. I know this was probably childhood experimenting but it’s scarred me deeply that I could’ve ever done those things, fucks sake.

    On to more recently ~2020, Around 3-ish years ago I noticed I would compare my dick size to other dudes, slowly focusing on their genitals instead of the act on the screen or even the girl. Escalated even more by watching specific nsfw subreddits, solos, etc. Sometimes I’d be touching myself in the process idk why, maybe because i was switching between different porn genres and subreddits when I’d seek stuff out. Then increased more onto extreme stuff like bukkakes, gangbangs, dp, cum fetish, most recently trans/traps/femboys, which confused the shit out of me so much. Ever since the first time I clicked the link out of curiosity all hell broke loose. It caused anxiety and feelings that felt identical to arousal. Some even look like attractive women. It didn’t seem like a man to me, nor a woman. Was like a mythical sex creature in between, but more-so on the feminine side cuz I’m not attracted to anything resembling men/masculine features at all. That’s the truth, even tho I’ve focused on the trans person’s penis and even had unwanted arousal, intrusive thoughts. The person has to look passable like a somewhat attractive female for me to even feel aroused. If they look like a dude or are very masculine I still have enough awareness and control in that moment to be consciously irked, disgusted and scroll past it saying no thanks.

    Even writing all this out troubles me and feels wrong to put in to words because tbh anything involving a penis other than my own, is NOT in allignment with my sexuality. Yet I’ve found myself looking at it… There’s clearly some fucked up agendas in play and it’s even more prevalent now.

    There’s a lot of confusion and fuckery out there so I just wanna say I hold compassion to anyone who’s going through any form of gender identity crisis, sexual misery, etc etc. It doesn’t sound fun at all, and just seems like anguish, results from manipulations, delusions, energetic imbalances. I wouldn’t wish these torturous things upon anyone.

    To sum it up, a few of the things I’ve explained are just a few traumatic and disturbing sexual things that I’ve done in the past, some very very recently. Overall mostly looking back at the older experiences It feels like that was a different person doing those fucked up things, like it was another lifetime.

    Some of those things and pornography I’ve seen were shit that I know is against my morals, values, heart, soul, and natural sexual orientation. Anyways, I digress.

    Hopefully I don’t sound judgemental, to each their own but I have my own unique opinions and feelings just like you and everyone else. We may not agree on some perspectives, and that’s okay you do you. Free will is to be honoured. The results of one’s free will can reap consequences which result in something positive or something negative. Regardless you can always choose to learn from it, and grow/better yourself for you and your loved ones. I digress, going off topic

    Back to the porn talk:
    It’s not the first time I’ve tried to cut this out my life for good. Longest period sober was about 365days ish+ , but then during the night after that same cousin’s wedding last may (2022), a thought popped up when I got home, I exercised impulse control and said no, next thing you know i started typing, heart rate escalating, breath was increasing, discipline and self control was fading away, then boom I gave in to searching up an nsfw subreddit, then searched up pornstar names, pants were off, then full on pornhub, pmo bingeing and the black hole was opened again, like evil had once again had it’s grips around me. It’s been a year since then, around 11 months of enduring a toxic cycle of disgust, resentment, bingeing, short streaks of sobriety, motivation, re-commitment, then again breaking my most very deep personal vows, promises, oaths, resulting in shame, low self-esteem, feeling irredeemable, feeling tainted, feeling unworthy of love, feeling like I’ll never meet her, feeling that whoever my future wife is she deserves better than the person I am right now. The shit I’ve been looking at now is even more extreme than I can remember (even tho I’ve seen a lottt of fuckery back in the day). It’s got to a point where I can’t even recognize myself, and I literally feel possessed. Arousal template has been altered, thought forms have been twisted and manipulated, perception on myself and others has been altered negatively. Dealing with intrusive thoughts which get worse everytime i slip,relapse, consume, and they feel so “real”. All this fuels Anxiety, and HOCD on top of that.

    This feels like the lowest point of my life, and it’s time I heal from this for good. Reading a few specific books, forums, articles, watching youtube videos, gaining knowledge on that dark satanic abusive, degrading, dehumanizing, twisted, objectifying industry has helped. Blockers (Covenant eyes) has proven to be beneficial but I end up finding a way around like a website for example that slips through the cracks. So here I am still dealing with this shit….

    I used to feel like a grounded masculine man, but during the time of writing this I feel like crying right now, my energy is so depleted I feel weak. I feel empty like a husk. I feel dark energy within me. It’s a feeling so strong and black that I haven’t felt this intense in years. Last time was when I was deep deep into porn addiction and was losing myself, doing things to my body I’ll never fucking do again.. let’s leave it at that.

    I’ve always been attracted to women only, and that’s a fact I can say with genuine pure resilience, with all my heart and soul. I know I’m not gay or bi, regardless of what my past experiences were, or how I felt about em back then. They don’t define who I am. I know how I feel about it now, and the past is the past. No regrets (easier said than done).

    There’s much more I’d like to say, many positive things and few negative but for today this is enough. It takes a long strength to be vulnerable when you’re feeling really weak and beat down, but this is a good start I’d say. Will post some of my journals from fortify on here, maybe it’ll help someone who’s experiencing what’s been written, or has experienced it and doesn’t want to feel like they’re the only ones who’ve been through similar shituations.

    I know there are many who can relate to these things too, and want them to know they're not alone. Stay strong and choose the highest only, for you and those around you. It's worth it, I promise you

    Wasn’t sure exactly where to post this, so decided to just do it here.
    Might be some triggers here, feel free to censor whatever you feel should be censored.

    Side note: Maybe it’s a good thing I haven’t met my girl yet, because I still have a lot of work I must do on myself before I feel even ready and confident enough to love her loyally & respectfuly the way she naturally deserves, and is divinely meant to receive. A monogamous, real emotional-spiritual-physical-sexual connection.
    Porn has been holding me back for far too long. I’ve been known that but still have gotten seduced and given in to the false allure.

    Common pattern since relapsing June 2022 after a year clean: viewing every week/2 weeks, binging for a day or two, then getting back up and repeating the same toxic cycle

    You Deserve Better Than Porn
  2. MindfulWarrior

    MindfulWarrior Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry man. It seems like you feel somewhat guilty for what happened. You were not supposed to be introduced to any of that at the age you did, that isn't on you. Have you seen a professional? Maybe you could deal with it better and learn coping skills for those flashbacks and the crippling anxiety that goes with it.
    Eternal_14 likes this.

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