Twelve Years As A Slave

Twelve Years As A Slave.
No, it is not about the famous book from Solomon Northup, not even about the movie adaption after it.
No, it is about my own life.

Just realised now it has been twelve years as a porn junkie, everytime starting the streak again, just to relapse after 1-2 weeks. My maximum streak of continous no PMO in all those 12 years was 4 months.
Sometimes I wonder if being an cocaine,heroine addict would had been better than this..


I am 27 now, I have been into some lame,pathetic fantasy for twelve years now, excluding the years before when I was into vanilla porn.
For more information about my story, my obsession and my problems you can read it here, when I cried for help for the first time on this forum :

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...o-an-obsession-i-need-help.98449/#post-823336

I don't have the slighest idea why am I writing this right now, as I am in a tipsy mood, with my hopes to the bottom of the ocean of ever becoming normal again.

It has been a continous struggle with this, all those damn years, a continous battle with my side always on the losing side.

I do not know how much this can be going on, just as I said above, I am 27 years old now....I am ashamed of who I am and what I am doing with my life, I do not wish to be the same when I am 30-40 or 50.
You already guessed/saw that I acknowledged my addiction, so thats a first step of the reboot, right?

I wonder if ALWAYS feeling guilty after masturbation is doing any better to my mind ? Is there any hope ?

I mean....if you have read the link above you know what demons I am struggling with all the time, something I would never ever do in real life with my girlfriend/wife. Everytime when I orgasm to the thought, apart for those 4-5 seconds of maximum pleasure, afterwards I feel like the shittiest person on this whole earth.

Does this still means I have a hope of recovering?
What I meant to say is...would it had been way worse if I would wish the same thing even after I orgasm, without changing my mind ? I hope you fellas can understand what I write here as I am not in a sober mood, and I am damn glad you are just some strangers to whom I can confess everything without being identified.

Thank you again !

P.S What I am listening at this moment, and somehow it makes me feel overcoming this:

 

Hey there ,

Thx for reply.

I do not know to answer your question or help you, as I am a broken man.
Actually can I be called a man at all? I sometimes wonder this.

I have fallen in this trap over and over and over again all those years. For me, its like a Groundhog day, I just know when I feel the urge to masturbate, I know I do not have the will to resist, I know that I feel guilty afterwards and wishing I would turn back the time just 1 minute before, but even if I know all this, I still do it. I am sure I am not the only one here with those addictions.