Angus McGyver
Fapstronaut
Two years of NoFap (hard-mode) - How it all began and how it helped me turn my life around
I apologize for the delays in delivering this long and detailed life-story of what my life looked like during my PMO-days (and what made the tide finally turn) but life has been quite busy overall and I haven't been able to dedicate as much time to writing it as I had wished but since it is stretching over 15 Word-pages in total, I decided to publish it in four separate parts. This is partially so you don't get too bored but also get some time to digest the material in which I hope you can find some inspiration, motivation and role-model in order to change your own paradigm and mindset completely.
To quit PMO altogether (especially the M and O) is not an easy task but the message I am trying to convey is following: if I can put PMO and its many compulsions, cravings and urges away after being attached to it for 15-16 years (or half my life), so can you.
Even better is the fact that I nowadays don't feel any neediness, urge or pressure to get laid or hook-up whatsoever and the latter should never be a goal or purpose in itself when beginning NoFap. Because if you do it without having a holistic view in mind, you will just end up slipping back into old tracks where the compulsions and urges are still there. Today, I can just be sitting still in the silent and quiet present moment and feel happy and content with just that which is what happens as your consciousness expands with time (as well as your vibrational frequency) which is a good goal to strive for as you begin your NoFap journey.
But before this long and detailed story begins, here are the links to my story I wrote about almost a year ago (divided into four parts) when I had reached my first 500+ days of NoFap. If you aren’t interested or just too impatient or unfocused to read them all, I won’t force you to do so but they are recommended if you are new to NoFap or have battled against PMO for a very long time without success, or if you might just need some extra inspiration and motivation.
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...-its-life-changing-effects-part-3-of4.244844/
Sometimes, it is just the right mindset, habits, unexpected experiences, events and people you meet that can be the difference between success and failure in this practice. It certainly was in my case and all of these started to unfold, one at a time, on that slightly hangover New Year’s day in 2017 (after binging on some fancy Champagne) where I finally decided once and for all to stop pitying myself and take charge of my life and actions from now on. It was mostly a nagging and prematurely 30-year-old crisis that moved me in this direction since I felt quite miserable, sad and frustrated about the direction in which my life was heading.
Years of moderate PMO-use and its multiple accumulated side-effects had finally come crashing down brutally during the summer and especially autumn of 2016 where I had this intense and agonizing mental and physical aches and pains pounding me hard every other day for weeks on end. Some nights, I almost cried myself to sleep in feelings of misery, frustration and hopelessness.
As the last 2-3 months of that year felt like pure misery (much more so than it had done during previous years), I had this strong urge and desire to end my 20’s on a better foot the last 15 months that was left of it as it was just too important to let go off and I knew these changes could at least put me off to a good start during my 30’s. But it wasn’t an easy task I had ahead of me since the past decade had many times felt like a struggle where I was treading water on the spot and continuously kept slipping back into the same old destructive patterns.
As I started to writing this story, I was currently one petty month away from having been totally PMO-free for two years and it’s crazy how fast time has passed since. Although over two years have passed as of now (or almost 26 months to be exact), it almost feels like yesterday and I dare say that my life took an entirely new turn and chapter on that beautiful winter day two years ago.
So much so that I can easily divide my life into three distinctive parts based on the presence and absence of PMO alone. I should almost name them and divide them into following categories: The happy childhood years (0-12,13 of age), The frustrating and miserable teenage years and early adulthood (13-29 years of age) and the harmonious, stable, productive and happy adulthood years (30+ years og age).
Because, between the ages of 0-12,13 life felt great, vibrant, energetic, positive and unlimited. Like the whole world was in my hands with plenty of opportunities everywhere. It felt like there was nothing I could not do and nothing that could stop me from fulfilling and reaching the dreams of the future I had. I don’t know if these imaginary thoughts and visions were solely childish naivety combined with all the exuberant and exciting vibes that was in the air (and everywhere) as the new millennium approached or if it was due to the fact that I was still rather untouched by the perils and troubles of the adult world (and the modern toxic world in particular) that I knew so little about. Little did I know that it was soon going to change when I turned into pornography as a means to escape from all the loud arguments my parents were having at the time. Arguments I thought was due to me and my younger siblings, no matter how many times my parents tried to convince me otherwise (as I simply didn’t believe them). As soon as its side-effects, strong feelings and compulsions of pure lust were making an entrance into my life, my mind and soul would be poisoned and touched by it for years to come and the longer this type of escapism went on, the deeper did I dig the hole for myself.
I do quite clearly remember the first time I watched pornography at age 10 but it didn’t strike any cord with me then since I was too young and still experiencing childhood at the time. It was during a summer-hockey camp on a hot August-day in 1998 when one of my team-mates found a wrinkly porn-mag in our shabby locker-room on one of the shelves. It was a hardcore magazine but wasn’t something that excited me at all since I felt nothing but disgust and aversion for those pictures he held up and showed us.
The probability that some dude might have jacked off over it didn't strike my mind of an innocent ten year old at the time.
It wasn’t until new Year’s eve the next year (1999/2000) it really started to strike a cord with me. At the somewhat fancy hotel me and my family stayed at that night as the new millennium was about to begin, I was browsing through the hotel TV’s several TV-channels which was an exciting thing to do at the time. After all, cable-TV in Sweden had only been around for about 11-12 years and I was amongst the first age-groups of kids who grew up with this recent phenomenon since kids only 5-6 years older than me (and up) had to settle with the only two state-TV channels that were available at the time. Two decades ago, all the TV-programs, shows and series shown were also of a much higher quality (compared to today’s rubbish which is one of the main reasons as to why I don’t watch TV at all) which made browsing an exciting past-time once in a while since there was always something good shown at TV. But there was one of those random hotel TV-channels I ran through that opened up another world for me; the exciting world of pornography.
When those porn-acts first appeared on the TV-screen, I didn’t quite believe what I saw. First of all, I was quite convinced that the channels with material of that kind would have been blocked in some way so children couldn’t access them. And secondly, there was something in it that really triggered me, excited me and that made my senses and entire body tingle with pleasure. Although its sheer grossness also disgusted me simultaneously, telling my instincts it wasn’t quite right or good for me to watch. Perhaps because I thought those pleasurable scenes on the screen were equivalent to reality and that the movie was X-rated and something I really shouldn’t watch. The forbidden fruit does always become more tempting than the admissible/allowed one, especially for boys. Keep in mind that this was only a few year before internet-pornography became available so for a boy well below the age of 18, it also became like finding a pocket (or treasure-chest) with some gold-coins inside.
I showed this newly found channel to my second cousin (which was about my age) and during this moment, his younger brother did of course walk into the room at the time, saw the TV-screen and went on snitching this secret to his mother which of course told my mother. So, the new millennium started with (apart from the cold winter weather and never ending fireworks) with an embarasing roasting from my mother in the morning. Despite feeling ashamed of myself (especially because of my younger relative viewing that material), those adult scenes were on my mind for a few weeks to come. Partially with disgust but simultaneously with excitement and that tingling sensation. It wasn’t until a year later (in 2001) that it started to get me more hooked and excited than before. Probably because I was entering puberty at the time where my hormones (and impulse-control) started to spiral out of control. It didn’t become better from having two messy and loud classmates who told me about the “Erotic films” that were shown at the cable channels (TV1000 & Canal+ primarily).
As a result, I started to read through the TV-tables we had at home to see when these exciting movies started so I could plan a weekend night once in a while accordingly. And so it begun; once every other week, I stayed up late on Saturday nights (on the Sundays when my hockey-team and I didn’t play a match) just to get a glimpse of these exciting movies so I could record some of it on an empty VHS-cassette in the VHS-player on my TV when everyone was asleep (many of you younger dudes here probably don’t know what I am talking about). In that way, I had some exciting material to watch for at least a few weeks ahead which felt awesome, exciting and a little anxious since there was a fear of getting caught. The dopamine-rush I got from watching those adult scenes (plus the M:ing that came with it) were unlike anything else I had watched during my short lifetime so of course, the mornings after those recording-sessions, I felt drained, fatigued, indifferent and without a will, joy or excitement to do anything. That was just the very beginning of the slippery slope that was going to keep me enslaved for another 15-16 years and of course, I was living in complete denial about the side-effects of this particular habit was indeed enslaving me and crippling much of my life, capabilities, hopes, dreams, drive and motivation.
Despite it being at the beginning of my 15-16 year struggle with PMO, it hadn’t yet creeped into my life too much since the time I spent on it was quite limited overall. Luckily, I had plenty of other time-consuming activities at the time (as I was playing two sports and an instrument) that shifted my focus away from pornography, so it was just a little “harmless” side-thing once in a while. But that side-thing was soon going to be something that shifted my focus away a few times a week and started to hijack my mind, mindset and brain (and soul) even more.
There were two unfortunate combos during the following year (spring of 2002) that really made it significantly harder to stop watching and keeping away from my mind. It was like opening the lid on Pandora’s box ajar to get a glimpse and then opening it fully so an array of upcoming misfortunes, troubles, struggles and maladies could all pour out at once.
The box had almost been fully opened in that moment I saw the empty VHS-tape/cassette in my dad’s drawers and put it into the VHS-player on my TV. To my surprise (and great excitement) there was probably a total of two hours of recorded porn from the cable channels on it and I just couldn’t keep my eyes (and later my mind) of it as soon as it started to roll. There were especially a few scenes that got etched into my mind and that almost hasn’t faded away to this day. So, whenever I was at home alone and felt those lustful thoughts taking over, I just grabbed the VHS-tape and watched those scenes again and again. For a pubescent and growing 14-year old boy, it was easier said than done to gain the control needed to stop watching. Not to mention grasping the words from some well-meaning adults that “what you see on the screen is not equal to reality”.
During that same year, the second part of the combo arrived with a downloadable software called “Kazaa” and it was all of a sudden possible to download some random porn-videos through it. Even better was the fact that it could be done without having that phone dial-tone blocking the connection when downloading (which was quite a new phenomenon at the time).
I also remember that family trip to the beautiful Austrian capital of Wien (Vienna) where I found that unlocked porn-channel on the Hotel-TV where they were rolling non-stop porn 24/7 for free. For me at the time, it felt that getting to know the history of the cities various buildings, domes and places was half the trip (together with the delicious food). The other half was about watching porn on the hotel-TV and learn about sex (during those brief moments my dad and brother weren’t there). Just like a rat running out from his nest as soon as the cat is gone. At that point, I still firmly believed that what I saw on the screen was reflective of reality but little did I know at the time since there was absolutely no one telling me about the perils of porn and internet porn in particular since it was a recent phenomenon at the time and there was almost no research published on the subject. When looking back at it in retrospective, no wonder I suffered from anxiety, low self-esteem and communication difficulties. My brain and mind were starting to get hijacked by lustful thoughts and fantasies much of the time. Thoughts and fantasies that consumed me and slowly poisoned my mind and soul where a lot of precious energy and focus got redirected to the wrong things. But at the time, there was no thought whatsoever that my regular PMO-habits a few times a week could have anything to do with it.
When looking back at it, there was no area of my body, mind and life that didn’t get affected by this destructive and sneaky poison called PMO. It was not only rewiring and damaging my brain (especially the grey matter) but it was working just as efficiently under the radar on a subconscious level. The messages being ingrained into the subconscious were all of destructive and discouraging nature, telling me I wasn't worthy of even an average girlfriend, love-life, normal healthy relationships and fulfilling and satisfying life overall. It was this negative, destructive, nagging self-image and feelings of unworthiness and worthlessness that destroyed me from within the most as I was constantly beating myself up and never felt satisfied with any of my achievements and performances in life, no matter how great others perceived or viewed them.
To be continued..........
I apologize for the delays in delivering this long and detailed life-story of what my life looked like during my PMO-days (and what made the tide finally turn) but life has been quite busy overall and I haven't been able to dedicate as much time to writing it as I had wished but since it is stretching over 15 Word-pages in total, I decided to publish it in four separate parts. This is partially so you don't get too bored but also get some time to digest the material in which I hope you can find some inspiration, motivation and role-model in order to change your own paradigm and mindset completely.
To quit PMO altogether (especially the M and O) is not an easy task but the message I am trying to convey is following: if I can put PMO and its many compulsions, cravings and urges away after being attached to it for 15-16 years (or half my life), so can you.
Even better is the fact that I nowadays don't feel any neediness, urge or pressure to get laid or hook-up whatsoever and the latter should never be a goal or purpose in itself when beginning NoFap. Because if you do it without having a holistic view in mind, you will just end up slipping back into old tracks where the compulsions and urges are still there. Today, I can just be sitting still in the silent and quiet present moment and feel happy and content with just that which is what happens as your consciousness expands with time (as well as your vibrational frequency) which is a good goal to strive for as you begin your NoFap journey.
But before this long and detailed story begins, here are the links to my story I wrote about almost a year ago (divided into four parts) when I had reached my first 500+ days of NoFap. If you aren’t interested or just too impatient or unfocused to read them all, I won’t force you to do so but they are recommended if you are new to NoFap or have battled against PMO for a very long time without success, or if you might just need some extra inspiration and motivation.
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...-its-life-changing-effects-part-3-of4.244844/
Sometimes, it is just the right mindset, habits, unexpected experiences, events and people you meet that can be the difference between success and failure in this practice. It certainly was in my case and all of these started to unfold, one at a time, on that slightly hangover New Year’s day in 2017 (after binging on some fancy Champagne) where I finally decided once and for all to stop pitying myself and take charge of my life and actions from now on. It was mostly a nagging and prematurely 30-year-old crisis that moved me in this direction since I felt quite miserable, sad and frustrated about the direction in which my life was heading.
Years of moderate PMO-use and its multiple accumulated side-effects had finally come crashing down brutally during the summer and especially autumn of 2016 where I had this intense and agonizing mental and physical aches and pains pounding me hard every other day for weeks on end. Some nights, I almost cried myself to sleep in feelings of misery, frustration and hopelessness.
As the last 2-3 months of that year felt like pure misery (much more so than it had done during previous years), I had this strong urge and desire to end my 20’s on a better foot the last 15 months that was left of it as it was just too important to let go off and I knew these changes could at least put me off to a good start during my 30’s. But it wasn’t an easy task I had ahead of me since the past decade had many times felt like a struggle where I was treading water on the spot and continuously kept slipping back into the same old destructive patterns.
As I started to writing this story, I was currently one petty month away from having been totally PMO-free for two years and it’s crazy how fast time has passed since. Although over two years have passed as of now (or almost 26 months to be exact), it almost feels like yesterday and I dare say that my life took an entirely new turn and chapter on that beautiful winter day two years ago.
So much so that I can easily divide my life into three distinctive parts based on the presence and absence of PMO alone. I should almost name them and divide them into following categories: The happy childhood years (0-12,13 of age), The frustrating and miserable teenage years and early adulthood (13-29 years of age) and the harmonious, stable, productive and happy adulthood years (30+ years og age).
Because, between the ages of 0-12,13 life felt great, vibrant, energetic, positive and unlimited. Like the whole world was in my hands with plenty of opportunities everywhere. It felt like there was nothing I could not do and nothing that could stop me from fulfilling and reaching the dreams of the future I had. I don’t know if these imaginary thoughts and visions were solely childish naivety combined with all the exuberant and exciting vibes that was in the air (and everywhere) as the new millennium approached or if it was due to the fact that I was still rather untouched by the perils and troubles of the adult world (and the modern toxic world in particular) that I knew so little about. Little did I know that it was soon going to change when I turned into pornography as a means to escape from all the loud arguments my parents were having at the time. Arguments I thought was due to me and my younger siblings, no matter how many times my parents tried to convince me otherwise (as I simply didn’t believe them). As soon as its side-effects, strong feelings and compulsions of pure lust were making an entrance into my life, my mind and soul would be poisoned and touched by it for years to come and the longer this type of escapism went on, the deeper did I dig the hole for myself.
I do quite clearly remember the first time I watched pornography at age 10 but it didn’t strike any cord with me then since I was too young and still experiencing childhood at the time. It was during a summer-hockey camp on a hot August-day in 1998 when one of my team-mates found a wrinkly porn-mag in our shabby locker-room on one of the shelves. It was a hardcore magazine but wasn’t something that excited me at all since I felt nothing but disgust and aversion for those pictures he held up and showed us.
The probability that some dude might have jacked off over it didn't strike my mind of an innocent ten year old at the time.
It wasn’t until new Year’s eve the next year (1999/2000) it really started to strike a cord with me. At the somewhat fancy hotel me and my family stayed at that night as the new millennium was about to begin, I was browsing through the hotel TV’s several TV-channels which was an exciting thing to do at the time. After all, cable-TV in Sweden had only been around for about 11-12 years and I was amongst the first age-groups of kids who grew up with this recent phenomenon since kids only 5-6 years older than me (and up) had to settle with the only two state-TV channels that were available at the time. Two decades ago, all the TV-programs, shows and series shown were also of a much higher quality (compared to today’s rubbish which is one of the main reasons as to why I don’t watch TV at all) which made browsing an exciting past-time once in a while since there was always something good shown at TV. But there was one of those random hotel TV-channels I ran through that opened up another world for me; the exciting world of pornography.
When those porn-acts first appeared on the TV-screen, I didn’t quite believe what I saw. First of all, I was quite convinced that the channels with material of that kind would have been blocked in some way so children couldn’t access them. And secondly, there was something in it that really triggered me, excited me and that made my senses and entire body tingle with pleasure. Although its sheer grossness also disgusted me simultaneously, telling my instincts it wasn’t quite right or good for me to watch. Perhaps because I thought those pleasurable scenes on the screen were equivalent to reality and that the movie was X-rated and something I really shouldn’t watch. The forbidden fruit does always become more tempting than the admissible/allowed one, especially for boys. Keep in mind that this was only a few year before internet-pornography became available so for a boy well below the age of 18, it also became like finding a pocket (or treasure-chest) with some gold-coins inside.
I showed this newly found channel to my second cousin (which was about my age) and during this moment, his younger brother did of course walk into the room at the time, saw the TV-screen and went on snitching this secret to his mother which of course told my mother. So, the new millennium started with (apart from the cold winter weather and never ending fireworks) with an embarasing roasting from my mother in the morning. Despite feeling ashamed of myself (especially because of my younger relative viewing that material), those adult scenes were on my mind for a few weeks to come. Partially with disgust but simultaneously with excitement and that tingling sensation. It wasn’t until a year later (in 2001) that it started to get me more hooked and excited than before. Probably because I was entering puberty at the time where my hormones (and impulse-control) started to spiral out of control. It didn’t become better from having two messy and loud classmates who told me about the “Erotic films” that were shown at the cable channels (TV1000 & Canal+ primarily).
As a result, I started to read through the TV-tables we had at home to see when these exciting movies started so I could plan a weekend night once in a while accordingly. And so it begun; once every other week, I stayed up late on Saturday nights (on the Sundays when my hockey-team and I didn’t play a match) just to get a glimpse of these exciting movies so I could record some of it on an empty VHS-cassette in the VHS-player on my TV when everyone was asleep (many of you younger dudes here probably don’t know what I am talking about). In that way, I had some exciting material to watch for at least a few weeks ahead which felt awesome, exciting and a little anxious since there was a fear of getting caught. The dopamine-rush I got from watching those adult scenes (plus the M:ing that came with it) were unlike anything else I had watched during my short lifetime so of course, the mornings after those recording-sessions, I felt drained, fatigued, indifferent and without a will, joy or excitement to do anything. That was just the very beginning of the slippery slope that was going to keep me enslaved for another 15-16 years and of course, I was living in complete denial about the side-effects of this particular habit was indeed enslaving me and crippling much of my life, capabilities, hopes, dreams, drive and motivation.
Despite it being at the beginning of my 15-16 year struggle with PMO, it hadn’t yet creeped into my life too much since the time I spent on it was quite limited overall. Luckily, I had plenty of other time-consuming activities at the time (as I was playing two sports and an instrument) that shifted my focus away from pornography, so it was just a little “harmless” side-thing once in a while. But that side-thing was soon going to be something that shifted my focus away a few times a week and started to hijack my mind, mindset and brain (and soul) even more.
There were two unfortunate combos during the following year (spring of 2002) that really made it significantly harder to stop watching and keeping away from my mind. It was like opening the lid on Pandora’s box ajar to get a glimpse and then opening it fully so an array of upcoming misfortunes, troubles, struggles and maladies could all pour out at once.
The box had almost been fully opened in that moment I saw the empty VHS-tape/cassette in my dad’s drawers and put it into the VHS-player on my TV. To my surprise (and great excitement) there was probably a total of two hours of recorded porn from the cable channels on it and I just couldn’t keep my eyes (and later my mind) of it as soon as it started to roll. There were especially a few scenes that got etched into my mind and that almost hasn’t faded away to this day. So, whenever I was at home alone and felt those lustful thoughts taking over, I just grabbed the VHS-tape and watched those scenes again and again. For a pubescent and growing 14-year old boy, it was easier said than done to gain the control needed to stop watching. Not to mention grasping the words from some well-meaning adults that “what you see on the screen is not equal to reality”.
During that same year, the second part of the combo arrived with a downloadable software called “Kazaa” and it was all of a sudden possible to download some random porn-videos through it. Even better was the fact that it could be done without having that phone dial-tone blocking the connection when downloading (which was quite a new phenomenon at the time).
I also remember that family trip to the beautiful Austrian capital of Wien (Vienna) where I found that unlocked porn-channel on the Hotel-TV where they were rolling non-stop porn 24/7 for free. For me at the time, it felt that getting to know the history of the cities various buildings, domes and places was half the trip (together with the delicious food). The other half was about watching porn on the hotel-TV and learn about sex (during those brief moments my dad and brother weren’t there). Just like a rat running out from his nest as soon as the cat is gone. At that point, I still firmly believed that what I saw on the screen was reflective of reality but little did I know at the time since there was absolutely no one telling me about the perils of porn and internet porn in particular since it was a recent phenomenon at the time and there was almost no research published on the subject. When looking back at it in retrospective, no wonder I suffered from anxiety, low self-esteem and communication difficulties. My brain and mind were starting to get hijacked by lustful thoughts and fantasies much of the time. Thoughts and fantasies that consumed me and slowly poisoned my mind and soul where a lot of precious energy and focus got redirected to the wrong things. But at the time, there was no thought whatsoever that my regular PMO-habits a few times a week could have anything to do with it.
When looking back at it, there was no area of my body, mind and life that didn’t get affected by this destructive and sneaky poison called PMO. It was not only rewiring and damaging my brain (especially the grey matter) but it was working just as efficiently under the radar on a subconscious level. The messages being ingrained into the subconscious were all of destructive and discouraging nature, telling me I wasn't worthy of even an average girlfriend, love-life, normal healthy relationships and fulfilling and satisfying life overall. It was this negative, destructive, nagging self-image and feelings of unworthiness and worthlessness that destroyed me from within the most as I was constantly beating myself up and never felt satisfied with any of my achievements and performances in life, no matter how great others perceived or viewed them.
To be continued..........
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