Two Futures- My Continuing Battle with IT

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Browns4life, Nov 22, 2019.

  1. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    I’m also horrible with sleep. Seriously, I do CrossFit 6 days a week hardcore 90 minute workouts and I come home to 15 horses to feed, water etc! You’d think I’d sleep like a baby, lol. Anyway I take a supplement gaba + 5 htp and it almost always knocks me out. You might try it?
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  2. I will look into it, thanks!
  3. Tiresias

    Tiresias Fapstronaut

    Literally "why" I started PMOing at a young age -- found that the O would help me sleep -- no matter that it could take hours to get there... then, of course, I'd wake up tired due to how little sleep I'd get. Vicious cycle.
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  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Melatonin works well for some people too, just not me, lol.
  5. Day 74. Today was a very stressful day, I have a deadline at work and while I am working toward it, I want to blow my company away with what I am giving them. Days like today were days I would retreat to the bathroom at work for an hour at a time and numb my stress with porn. IT still tells me I should do that, that one time would help so much, and I have to admit that it gives me pause, but I am done listening dumb ass clown.

    Our CEO gave a speech in our year end review about having an Investor's Mindset in our job. We work with Real Estate Investors, and a couple of things that good investors do would be applicable in dealing with PA

    1) Don't sacrifice the future for short term success. I think this is core to kicking the PA. That brief high you get from PMO is not worth wrecking your romantic, physical, and spiritual life.
    2) Have an abundance mindset. Understand that bad days, urges, resets, relapses, all are going to happen, but there will be MANY more good days than the bad ones. Don't let that derail you from your larger goals.
    3) Its all about people/community. You cannot be a Real Estate Investor alone, the same goes for recovering from PA. Being anti-social is a breeding ground for addiction. So get out, talk to people. Surround yourself with people and you will succeed.
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  6. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I think Jordan Peterson has similar rules and it talks about a lot of those things in his videos!

    I'm proud of you for how hard you work. I hope you saw at your Christmas party how awesome they think you are! I was so glad that I got to hear that gentlemen tell you that you annihilated your competition! You're awesome!:)
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  7. Yesterday and today have been a little rough. I have been really down on myself, last night I admitted to @GID2020 that I would go back to PMOing in an instant if she was gone. I know I am doing this for her and I know that is unsustainable. The problem is I don't know how to make it about me. I feel like i have always made everything about me, but she is right. If I don't do this for myself, how can I ever get better? I told her I felt like a part of me that is in most people is missing, like something got left out. I am reminded of another character in a Stephan King book, The Stand. The character's name is Larry Underwood. Larry is a musician and just had his first hit, and he instantly becomes rich. He begins to throw wild parties for people who aren't really his friends and provides drugs to strangers and people he didn't know. He wises up and throws all the party goers out and they turn on him. They call him stuck up because they aren't really his friends. In the meantime he is into a drug dealer for a large sum of money, of which he spent all of already. So he runs, and goes back to NY to his mother and she tells him this (emphasis mine):

    I feel like Larry here. I feel like I am a taker too, like God left something out of me. I was never a bad kid. I had good grades, never got into trouble, went to college, got a degree, have had decent success and make good money. Yet I still fell into this addiction and would go back to it in a heartbeat if it wasn't for my wonderful wife. When I was a kid I still did not nice things but used my reputation to cover it up. I had a job in a church and my buddy and I used to steal communion wafers and wine, but the church raved about what good kids we were. I took that. Same with jobs I got when I was older. I never put 100% effort into it, I goofed off, I took long lunches and lots of time off, but I had a good reputation and got my work done, but I could have done so much more. I took all the accolades. In my marriage to GID took her sympathy and her love, but I continued to PMO. I don't FEEL like a good person. I don't FEEL like the person GID says I am, or that my job says I am, or my coach says that I am. Why? Why can't I see what they see? I do mean well. I always want to better myself. I get these grand ideas of how I am going to change, how I am going to improve myself, but I never do. Like Larry I know what's wrong, but not how to fix it

    All my life growing up, I never felt good enough. My parents wanted me to get straight A's, but I didn't want to do the work. My teachers always wanted me to work or try harder, but I didn't. Everyone always said what a good kid I was, but I didn't feel that way. I always wanted to ask a pretty girl in school out, but never felt worthy of it. Even when I got older and some girls were attracted to me, I found some excuse to not pursue them. I had no money, or no car or whatever excuse I could find. GID always tells me what I wonderful man I am , but I hurt her everyday by not being able to shake this addiction. Sure I have stopped masturbating to porn, but its still there. It still wants me. I am still thinking up ways around the blocks I have put in place to get back to it.

    I don't know how to fix this.
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  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    If you can afford it, find a good counselor. My husband found one, ironically it was for depression about 5 years ago. They never once talked about his porn use. They delved into his childhood and why he did many of the same things you talk about. He felt exactly what u have described here. So, once he figured out his depression, I suggested we see the same counselor for marriage counselor( didn’t know hubby was an addict at this point). I flat out told the counselor About the porn and asked if they had discussed that at all, lol. Of course not. Still, didn’t know it was an addiction. Last January I stumbled on a Facebook page about betrayal trauma and the lights came on! Showed my husband, got him into saa groups and we see a csat counselor. He did not want to go to group!! But he didn’t want to be an addict OR lose me. He loves his group. He said between the counseling and group it’s what has helped him the most. The biggest mistake you can make is to try and hide this and not seek help. This is harder than heroin to quit.,only 5-10% ever get into recovery. Those numbers were the catalyst for us deciding we would do whatever it takes to free him from this. Is it embarrassing, at first, but it’s also freeing to connect with someone else who’s going through what you are. Did I mention he was terrified to go to his first group meeting? Last night he was sad that he had to miss group because he had a work commitment from 5-10 pm. Also, he didn’t want to go to group because they were filled with guys who were way “ worse” than him. Lol , I said “ but if you all end up divorced and addicted does it matter how bad? “ start with phone group. He attends 3 phone in and one in person group. Has been since February.
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  9. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    I can relate to these sentiments. And @Psalm27:1my light is right too, a good counsellor is a great way to work in these thoughts and feelings. I'd more or less guarantee you they're a product of something else or a build up to the addiction as well. The steps you're taking to better yourself now are what make you a good person, and a good husband. It's ok to have bad days too, we're human not robots. The advice it'd give for doubting your self worth is to look at what good you've done in the day/week whatever. And also don't beat yourself up too much, it's allowed to do things just for you that you enjoy. It makes you feel better, which makes you stronger, and means you can take on the challenges better.

    One day at a time. Don't let IT get to you.
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  10. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

    I relate to almost all of this post. I don’t know how to fix it either. But I am reading your journal and in a few posts back, you talk about not trying to fix our brokenness (poor paraphrase). Maybe that hole and emptiness I feel at times is something I need to accept and not try to solve. Maybe it’s part of human condition.
    GID2020 likes this.
  11. @Psalm27:1my light I am going to go talk to someone after the first of the year. I was waiting for my new insurance to kick in and the holidays to go by. I am not sure whether to seek out a CSAT or go more for depression type counseling. The insurance had a "Help Hotline" type thing, so maybe I will call them and see what they say.

    @Jonnyb4 I know they are a build up. I can go back, and I have in my past posts and pinpoint where things came from. That's why the excerpt from The Stand above strikes out at me: "As it is, you seem to know what’s wrong but not how to fix it. "

    @ANewFocus I think that is one of my bigger fears: That this NEVER goes away. I know alcoholics always say they are alcoholics for life and never are truly healed. I don't want to be five years down the road and still concerned I will relapse at any time. :(

    Today is a better day. After talking to GID Friday night, Saturday morning, a wonderful love making session and then journaling, I feel a lot better. Telling GID that I feel like I could relapse at any moment triggered me (in a good way) to take action. I thought of a few ways over this past week that I might bypass the blocks I put in place to view P. So I spent some time yesterday going through and fortifying those walls. The harder I make it for myself to access things, the less likely i am to act. I am kind of lazy like that, so I am just making it harder and harder for me to access P. That will force me to do other things that require less effort.

    I need to work harder at meditation. I have kind of gotten out of the habit and I do miss it. I just need to make time for it and not miss it for any reason. One of my many New Years Resolutions.
  12. IWillBeMe

    IWillBeMe New Fapstronaut

    Reading your posts, you might want to check out the following, not sure if this is impacting you, but you seem to show a lot of signs that it could be:

    A website by Dr. Ken Adams, he is the expert in enmeshment: overcoming enmeshment

    Dr. Adams also did a podcast with Jon T and Jackie P on mother enmeshed men.

    It might explain why you feel the way you do. It's amazing how our childhood can really have an impact on the adults we become.

    I would also look into the work by John Bradshaw. The PBS specials he did in the 90's is incredible. He did a lot of work in healing and reclaiming the inner child.

    If you're interested I can point you to the links for those or you can google for them.

    Don't give up hope. You weren't born with something missing inside of you. Life happens to us, we get impacted both positively and negatively. People aren't defective, broken or damaged. People are hurt and in need of healing.

    Fight this with all you have. It sounds like you have an amazing wife who loves and supports you, she can help you evolve into the man you were born to be, that you were meant to be, before life started to impact you. It is possible to heal from this and come out the other side the person we always wanted to be. Both for the addicts and the partners as well. This is a battle only you can fight, you have it in you to fight it, but only you can fight it. 12 step groups, your wife, this community, we can all support you, but at the end of the day the fight must come from within you. You have to start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. The addiction is your comfort zone, it's your "normal", it's your go-to when the world gets tough, lonely, boring, stressful, etc. It will always be a destroyer of your life disguised as an "easy button". Changing habits are hard, especially when it's an addiction. But it isn't impossible. It just won't seem as "natural" of a response for you. Healthy ways of coping and managing your emotions will take some time to adjust to, they will be more thought intensive and challenging before they become second nature, natural.

    I would read the two stories you first posted in this chain. Read them when you start to feel the urge to go back to your comfort zone of IT. And ask yourself, which story do you want to be your legacy.
  13. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

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  14. Tiresias

    Tiresias Fapstronaut

    Merry Christmas to all the folks on this thread... reflecting that this can be a stressful time out of the usual routines.
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  15. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Thank you! I hope your Christmas was wonderful @Jonnyb4 . A very Happy New Year to you and your family too!!
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  16. @Tiresias @Jonnyb4 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you both and to everyone else on this thread. It was a really busy week. I used a few of my vacation days along with the holidays to string a good bit of time off. It was nice to be with the whole family for all of Christmas, my Birthday and the New Year. Today was back to work both literally and my work here. I didn't even realize that today is my 89th day free from PMO. I plan to blow right through 90 and keep going, so there really isn't a big hurrah planned for tomorrow. I have a lot of work to do to repair the damage that has been done to my sexual health over the last 30+ years, so 90 days is really a drop in the bucket.

    Over the last week I spent a lot of time reading a certain persons thread that my wife said she found relative. It is an SO thread. I won't mention the persons name as I have not yet finished her story and not yet commented on her thread. Its a pretty typical story here, at least the over arching theme: SO discovers addiction, begins to realize how bad the addiction is, confronts her husband, he swears he will quit, he can't quit, she heals and moves on from him and the addict continues to try to heal himself, kind of unsuccessfully. This person's story (of which I am about 2/3 through) has touched me in couple different ways.

    First its allowed me to see myself, my wife, and our battle with this from a different perspective. Its not that I don't understand that I hurt @GID2020, I know I did and I know how I did. Nor is it that I don't hear her when she articulates that pain to me. However while she is articulating her pain, I am busy protecting mine. I don't WANT to hear that I hurt her, so I "wall up" a bit to protect myself. Reading someone else's journal, of which I am free from guilt and blame has allowed me to see my wife's pain without the need to protect my own hurt. I see myself in some of the things the addict says, and I see my wife in the things the SO writes. Its been an eyeopening read for me and I hope to use that to understand and listen better without the need to protect myself.

    Secondly, I have noticed the similarity in the story to my first future that I wrote at the beginning of this thread. I see the reality that continuing down the path I was heading down playing out in real life. Its painful to read and imagine the people in that thread being my and my wife.

    Once I am finished with this thread, I will write to the person to thank them for their story and their courage to write all of that out.

    Onward to my next 90 days!
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  17. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    90 days!! Great job!! I love you.♥️

    Thanks for reading that SO's journal. I hope that you don't think I'm trying to compare you with her husband. Everyone's journey is different..I thought of your first future you wrote out too and that was what resonated with me. Also I think I mentioned in my journal that I think a lot of SO's have very similar feelings and sometimes I think other people can help us say what we can't always articulate for ourselves.

    Hope work is good today! I'm very much looking forward to our weekend!
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  18. Tiresias

    Tiresias Fapstronaut

    Hey! Congrats on 90! Your writing clearly expresses a new spirit from 90 days ago... seems to be more full of hope and promise. Well done!
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  19. So I thought I would write about my first 90 days, how I got through them, and how I thought I did, kind of a retrospective. Next I wanted to write what I want to focus on for the next 90 days!

    The First 90 Days.
    I just spent the last 45 minutes reading over my old journal and seeing myself 90 days ago kinda bums me out to be honest. I cannot believe, reading all of that how much IT has had control over my brain. I think the most surprising thing to me over the first 90 days was how great I felt the first week or two, and then it slowly slid into depression and anxiety over the next 30 days, and the last 30 days have been gradually getting better and better. My life now seems pretty normal, for the most part. I would definitely say the first 90 days was a success. I think the best thing is that I feel in control of my addiction. I don't feel the NEED to masturbate anymore. I don't feel the NEED to look at porn. Those are DEFINITELY things even 30 days ago I couldn't say.

    The other big change is in my relationship with @GID2020, now don't get my wrong we had a great relationship even through the addiction. However, I feel so much closer to her now. We talk more freely. We make love more gently and passionately (which I have to say is WAY better :) ). It fees good to have an actual connection with her through ALL of me. I think I always held back a little, protected myself a little. Now I have nothing to hide and feel like I can give myself more freely to her. To open myself up and be more vulnerable.

    I attribute my success to a couple of things. First and foremost is confiding in my wonderful and supportive wife. I have tried to quit a hundred times before and all were unsuccessful because I left one major component out. Telling my wife. She is my best friend and partner in life. Secondly is meditation. Meditation has taught me to bring my focus back to the moment, I use that frequently when I am stressed or having urges. Finally is the community here. Reading stories and interacting with all of you has been invaluable in my recovery.

    The Next 90 Days
    The next 90 days I need to focus on rooting out the main cause that lead me to PMO addiction. That is ferreting out IT and exercising IT from my brain. I still have a lot of self doubt, I still lack a lot of confidence, I am still doing this for @GID2020 instead of myself. Those things need to change. I am going to work on remembering how being "unbroken" feels. I am going to work on believing in myself. I am going to work on rebuilding my career at my new job. I am going to make the next three months about fixing myself. My biggest fear is that i have not done enough to replace the triggers and stressors that led me to PMO and that will be the key to irradicating it forever. I know I cannot continue to do this on willpower alone.

    I look forward to the next 90 days. I am so grateful to have this platform and site. Thank you all
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  20. Today was a pretty good day. One of my goals was to rebuild my carreer at my new job, and I think I have been pretty successful so far. I have completed my training and I am ready to take on bigger projects. I was awarded one today. So my work life is about to get really busy. I have 1 quarter to deliver a major piece of software. I like to look at anologies and parallels and right now, my life is like this piece of software I have to build and my new job as whole. Let me explain.

    A few months ago someone asked me what I wanted, what were my goals for life after PMO, this was my answer:
    The first goal was like my career. I have hurt my career and life with PMO, much like I did my wife. I have spent the past few years wandering listlessly from job to job never really finding true meaning. Little did I know, that I was doing a bit of that in my marriage. I couldn't give my self fully to @GID2020 because I was distracted by something else. Same with my career. Something was holding me back. So I spent my first 90 days "training" for life without PMO. Just like in my job, I wasn't given a lot of responsibility first and I was watched closely. GID was there for me in case I had any issues, just like my employer. I needed to build trust with both. I spent that 90 days fixing my relationship with GID and building my relationship with my boss. Now that I have completed the training, I am ready for the real work.

    In my job I need to build a "profile" and "account" system that will tie all the parts of our system together. In my life I need to rebuild my profile. I need to rebuild the part of my psyche that ties everything together, my confidence. Without rebuilding that, I cannot hope to tie everything together. My lack of confidence is what led to PMO, its whats led to my first marriage happening, let alone failing. This is how I am going to fix me.

    My 3rd goal, is to rebuild my life. In my job, this will take the form of completely rebuilding the enterprise software our business relies on. In my life it means moving forward with interests, a solid marriage, being a good parent and being present for my life. ]

    I look forward to both challenges!
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