Two options - stay or go

A couple of wks ago I found my husband's stash.
I became suspicious that something was wrong because he started suffering from ED. Also, when we were together he had like a blank stare, there was no eye contact...He used to stare at the walls or the light fixture, like he was not there. Now I know where he was...It broke my heart. I don't know if it is the fact that he had some of my girlfriends' pics from FB attached to porn videos of similar girls he found online...it felt like cheating,...evidently it took him hours to work on his collection. Initially I tried to forget about it. But the thoughts kept on crawling back to my head and I started being rude to him, he asked me what was wrong, so I told him what I had found. How bad it made me feel. He promised not to do it ever again, but it is not working for me.
The promise is not enough, I can't even tell what would be enough...to go back in time so what was done can be undone? Impossible. I wanted to be supportive - I reached out to my fondest memories of him and when we met and how wonderful it was - but sadly, it only brings questions about his doings when I was living in lululand. The reality is that I was never good enough for him. It makes me sad. Is there hope? How can I forgive? I don't know what to do!!! I have lived in a bubble, thinking of an endless love. He might love me but it is not the same as desire. I guess everything changes with time but...I was hoping for more. I feel in competition with all of those images in his head and I am in clear disadvantage. I must have very low self esteem, but the fact that he was playing with himself while watching pictures of my friends and family members does not help a bit. It makes me feel very self conscious to have my friends over when he is at home now. What can I do better... what I have done or not done to allow this. I understand that he has to stop on his own. He must want it. I refuse to continue living my life constantly wondering if he is watching porn, mentally cheating on me... At the end of the day, it is his body, it is his brain, and his thoughts. I cannot help him writing this, I realized that I have lost respect for him, now, that is pretty sad.

 

i_wanna_get_better1, thank you so much for your post, for taking the time to respond!
Now, I am trying my best to do my part and be supportive by stopping the accusatory tone in my voice. The worse is the feeling of betrayal. I acknowledge that we are talking about my feelings and not his...as he is peachy. He sees no wrongdoing - does not understand the magnitude of my pain and jealousy. I am afraid to admit that I might not want him in my life anymore - even though he was or is my best friend. The fact that he had pictures of my female friends saved as his private cup of honey makes my blood boil. I think I could understand his desire to look at beautiful bodies...I would have happily participated...but the fact that he had used my friends to play his fantasy games... I have my own issues and my ability to forgive/forget is non-existent - that is something that I have to work on my own.
I will give him time to show me that he is the man that he can be. But not too much time either...maybe to the end of the year. I think that for my own good, I need to stop snooping around and acting like his nanny or private sherlock holmes. I will concentrate in my life, building new friendships, exercising and studying. I refuse to become his victim. Do you think that I am being selfish?

 

Hello Jolie, I find in the forums the support that nowhere else can be found - at least here I don't feel like a martian who is walking in earth without being able to tell my reality: the man that I fell in love with has been masturbating and fantasizing looking at the pictures of my sister, my cousin, my niece instead of having sex with me...for years!!!
We have been friends for about 10 years but just got married 2 yrs. ago. Yes, the little respect I had left for him is scaping little by little through the windows. I am using all my will to be civil and cordial and not a bully who treats him like a piece of crap - which is what my heart feels like doing. We have no health insurance - so no, therapy is out of question, plus, he would not talk to "people" about these issues. He acknowledges that he has had a problem - as he puts it, "I had a problem" - but he said it is in the past ... (maybe in the past week because his computer still had porn sites sited as "frequent" searches, even though he had not even noticed). I think I could live with porn in our lives - what I cannot accept or forgive is the betrayal - the fact that he was masturbating to the sight of my family members and friends - people that we know and people that I love. People that come to our house...From now on I will always wonder about his thoughts and his doings...and I am worried that this will never change even though he might.

 

Thank you i_wanna_get_better1, that idea of the letter is great and is a must. It will be good for both of us - it will be proof that I am not crazy just acting up like a spoiled child - there are reasons for my feelings. It will be on him then. If he develops ED again - that will be his answer - it will be a clear response. I do not want to fail yet another relationship and lose him as a friend :'( I will do the letter and give it to him, hopefully it will help. Or perhaps deep down I have already made a decision that I am trying to mask with the "giving him time" thing. :|

I felt like a roach when I watched his collection. It made me feel so undesirable and things around us trigger those feelings in me - his presence sometimes is enough for me to feel out of place. I need to remember that his doings do not have anything to do with me.

 

Wonderful! Thank you so much!

 

Thank you Jolie, it does seem like I have made a decision already, uh? I want to be fair. Plus, I do not want to trash another relationship like if it's nothing. I am afraid to wait it out and then find out years down the road that his addition has only escalated and is even worse than now. He keeps emotions hidden very well - like his childhood abuse, very well hidden too - years of being emotionally abused by his mother... I am sure it was a contributing factor of his shyness and at the same time was the subconscious outlet for him to try this kind of scape. He needs therapy. I will search to see what we can find in this area. Going to therapy will be proof that he is looking for a long time solution.