typing my struggle away

12:10, August 3rd 2020
Did I even try hard enough?
Learning about nofap is something that I am incredibly proud of. Probably top 5 things I am happy to have learnt.
But somehow I never managed to pass the famous 30 day mark. It is something I am dreaming of. I want it really badly but I never really really really tried to achieve it. Where would I be now if my life depended on it? Let's ponder. You know, it is not like I would die if I relapsed - but somehow it is. I pay for pleasure with my happiness and future but it is an invisible currency.
I am somebody who always tried to go his own way. I am like that but I realized that it can be easier if I use a working formula. I found this post: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-top-tips-for-leaving-pmo-behind.35201/

For those who are unaware of my plan: I want to try NoBrainer's way and see where it takes me. The following lines will answer the questions that should be answered.

 

The why: Why am I doing this? Because I see my true self when I am on a streak. I see my true nature and the person that I want to be when I am off my bad habits. Because the person who I want to be is behind the bars of my addiction.

What does my addiction cause: My addiction is holding me back, it is filling me with self-hate, disgust, pitty, and the feeling of losing. I am 21 years old, turning 22 in November - man it is scary typing that out. Time is running away and I am constantly postponing the moment when I finally beat my addiction and win this battle. I am living an illusion - I could not be here someday, do I want to live by then or still live this groundhog day-Esque life? It hurts typing that out, especially because I typed my age and because I just watched an interview with Wozniak where he said that your character shows by the age of 20. I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE ME!! I really feel the self-hate and disgust while typing. But at the same time, I feel like I am truly confronting myself with reality.

What have I learnt so far: I learned of all the positive benefits that a successful streak fruits. I learned that I am happier, more determined, and more confident when I am on a streak. I learned that fighting it is my key to the next level in life.
I learned that I have a hard time controlling myself. I learned that it is a true FIGHT when I face my urges.
But I learned that the fight does not last long. The most 2 minutes. I can fight the hardest urges by socializing with my family. But I never did, sometimes my urges get crossed by my brother coming inside my room. I should use my surroundings.
I learned that social media is the culprit of a lot of suffering in my life. My relapse starts there. It makes my mind rumble and wastes my time. I need to cut it out during my recovery, but I love the attention I get on there. But no, I need to be reminded of the things my addiction caused.
I feel tempted when I am not productive. PMO has become a way of me treating my feeling of being unproductive. The feeling of wasting time cripples me because I start to think that it is already too late. But it never is. For example, I could have slept now - it is 1 am. I was about to say "it is too late", but yet I am writing my diary and it is helping me a lot.
I believe this section is really helpful and it needs to be extended.
Little summary: Nofap makes me happier, urges do not last short, family helps, social media makes it harder, being unproductive makes me feel bad, feeling bad makes me want to relapse and feel good, the bathroom is a place of temptation, I forget about my plan sometimes, I need a strategy.

What do I want to achieve: that's a big point. I want to answer that as clearly as possible. I want nofap to give me the motivation and consistency to work on: my physique, studies, expansion of social circle, romantic interests, career, communication, and charisma.
Studies: I am studying medicine. Yet my grades are not good - my last one was a D. I love the subject and this is a one time opportunity in my life! I want to make the best out of it and one part of it is being a great student. I want to understand the topics. Another part of that is, that I want to expand my social circle at my university. I want to know more interesting people with whom I can build a relationship. This is the only time that I am surrounded by that many interesting and interested young people.
I finally want the dream body: this means making good dietary choices and working out systematically. Like this experiment. Don't try to go your own way every time - use a working path. You have a diet plan and a workout plan. Just follow them to your best abilities.
Romantic: I tapped into the moments of intense female attraction and I LOVED it. It is something unprecedented and I want to enjoy that feeling for longer. I want to feel it again because it makes me feel better about myself. I want to experience more and I do not think I did enough.

//let me continue this thread tomorrow.