Hi all, I've recognised a year ago that I have a problem with porn addiction after suffering from ED with a girl I was sleeping with. I tried to quit on my own but keep relapsing, despite being in a (long-distance) relationship for 8 months now, the first serious relationship I've ever had. I'm a 29-year old guy from the Netherlands, currently in the final stages of finishing a PhD in Germany. A year ago I would have introduced myself as an out-going guy without any real other problems other than my porn addiction, but the past year has taught me that I'm dealing with several psychological issues that probably play a role in my addiction problems. I am very active (running at least 3 times a week and going to the gym twice a week, playing piano as often as I can and reading books). I've been bullied a primary school, though not too bad, and as a consequence, have been suppressing my emotions since I was 4 years old. Given that I've got some autistic tendencies, I've always had trouble making friends, though I eventually succeeded at primary school, secondary school, university and at work. At age 15, I was diagnosed with epilepsy, which got so bad at age 17 that I was hospitalised for 6 months. I've hovered at the brink of death for 2 months, but refused any psychological help afterwards (which was very stupid in hindsight). It took my brain about 4 years to fully recover, and I had to fight my way through the last year of secondary school and the first 3 years of uni. I could do this because at this point I was filled to the brim with anger at how unfair life was, why this had to happen to me etc. I was only able to let go of my anger gradually over the past 2 years. To sum up, with the help of my girlfriend, I've noticed that I have avoidance issues (from suppressing my emotions for the past 25 years), commitment and abandonment issues (from my stint at the hospital, where I was abandoned by all my "friends" except for one), I'm depressed, had anger issues, am a severe perfectionist and have autistic tendencies. Most of these issues were pre-existing I think, but were exacerbated after my time being hospitalised. I've hurt my girlfriend due to these issues already, and I am seeking help for them, but I want to stop this destructive addiction while being waitlisted. As to my porn addiction, I've watched "old-school" porn (magazines) since I was 15, but it didn't escalate until I was about 21. At this age, I ruptured my ACL and meniscus playing football (soccer). Football had always been my emotional outlet, where I could vent my emotions through playing, and all of a sudden, I had no outlet anymore, and a lot of free time. High-speed internet porn was on the rise, and I started watching more and more, though it was still contained due to living with my parents until I was 25 (too lazy to get my own place). It escalated further when I got my own place in Germany when I started with my PhD in 2015. Having no fixed working hours, being alone a lot and dealing with several psychological issues led to an escalation. I would sometimes not show up at work for a whole day because of my addiction. Because of my commitment issues, I basically slept around for years, never engaging in any meaningful relationship, though "risky behaviour" had increased in that department too (needing risky places for arousal etc.). Having a girlfriend did help, but not to the point I can quit my addiction, and I feel like I'm cheating every time I relapse. While I recognised my addiction a year ago, I've been struggling with it ever since, and can't stay away from it longer than 45 days. I've decided to share my story here, and hope to get some help and feedback. I've felt alone basically my entire life, with a lot of things, but I noticed that if you share things, you notice you're not alone. Maybe this is what's been keeping me from successfully getting rid of my addiction. Sorry it got so long.