Another bloody reset, sheesh. Wasn't feeling great after work and didn't keep an eye out for the chaser effect.
Yeah, I am on day 0 again too. I reset last night probably around the time you did, and now I am feeling crappy and irritable. But we can become Pokemon champions, I believe that. Best, Mathman1994
Thank you, you too! I am on day 2.5 again, and in 7.5 days, I will be a Pikachu again. Best, mathman1994
Still Day 1 complete for me, but 24 hours is better than nothing. I've been resetting a lot lately and I hate it. My energy levels are down and my social interactions are becoming more introverted. It's very important that I fix this soon.
Day 0 - In fact, been day 0 for 6 of the last 7 days. However, I had this realization which I am posting here (Long post, excuse more profanity) In the last 7 days, I have looked at/binged on pornography 6 of those days including PMOing briefly after group today. I realized something in that PMO session: 1) pornography is really weird. Like the scenarios don't make any sense, and when you tease them apart, they are downright creepy. For instance, who is the POV supposed to be? Obviously there is nothing intimate about pornography, it is just really fucked up. 2) I have always had the "right"/ability to look at porn. Just because I am working with a new coach who emphasizes weaning off versus cold turkey does not mean I have any more freedom to binge than I did before, I just thought I did because in my NoFap recovery, I have been quite repressed. 3) my coach says most men completely give up porn by week 8 of 12 (I am on week 3) and he acknowledges that not everyone is viewing that entire time. So if that is the case, then yes, I have the right to binge, but I also have the right to go no PMO, and if his program is more than just wearing out the addict so that they no longer like pornography (and I have to imagine it is or it would not have such a permanent basis in the recovered men), then choosing to give up in a "cold turkey" manner that acknowledges my freedom to go back, should be just as valid. 4) So acknowledging the above, I can say "fuck it, no PMO" and I could easily be just as successful as if I said "fuck it, I am going to binge because the program says it is okay". I have a choice in the matter. As He-Man would say, "I have the Power [over pornography]". I am not its slave. It is my lesser foe. I am a mathematician, writing, teacher, and Christian goddammit, being a pornography addict is such a small part of me. Such a weak aspect of my life, and I have the choice. Of course I can look at pornography if I want to. No one took that power from me ever, I just thought they did and thus I made pornography stronger than me. 5) My binging this last week has taught me that I have a choice in life. To PMO or not to PMO. I have always had that power, it just took me looking at myself in the mirror after watching a particularly bizarre video for me to realize that I don't have to recover. No one is making me. But I want to recover. I have the choice to relapse whenever the hell I want, but that does not mean I have to do it. I have the choice to go car jack someone right now and run over pedestrians (dark example), but just because I have the choice to do so does not mean I have to. (And I am getting as morally ambiguous as possible to prove me point because when I say "I should or should not do something" I am giving someone else's morality power over me instead of forming my own). I choose not to commit grand theft auto and vehicular homicide because I believe it is wrong, and I can choose to not PMO anymore because I believe it is unhelpful/unhealthy. I think my biggest issue was this concept of rebellion. I had spent the last week PMOing out of some sense of rebellion, and the good thing that came out of it is that I am no one's slave, least of all pornography. 6) Lastly, we all have choices. We have always had our own choices and though others' words may influence our morality, we ourselves get to choose what is moral and what is not. Pornography might be immoral in some people's eyes, but we have to decide if it is immoral in our eyes or not. No one else can make that decision for us, and the problem is, I was letting others make that decision for me, and it took a week of binging on some hardcore stuff to realize that I am the master of my own destiny. Whatever happens is between me and God, and fuck everyone else... With that, I reset my counter to 6pm this evening. Not because that is the last time I relapsed, but because it seemed like a fitting time to change. Best, Mathman1994
