Ultimatum

He harms himself because he’s an addict. It doesn’t make any sense to us who are not addicts. At all. Please know, you are not alone. We have all heard exactly what your boyfriend has told you. They “ promise” never to do it again. They really believe that and mean it. They hate it and they love us more than anything in the world. They’ve never felt like this about anyone. They can quit this time because “ they can’t stand to see how much they hurt us”. You cannot trust or believe anything an addict says. You must trust changed behaviors. I know. I’ve been through it long enough. I also get “ we have a special relationship like no other”. Except that he’s an addict. Except that he continues to act upon his addiction rather than seek and implement real help and change. I mean, 33 years with my husband. I’m sure every time he said he would stop he meant it. Until he got real help, and fully committed for himself, he just couldn’t do it. Finally, I have witnessed a full transformation in my husband. He’s a different man. However, he has had tremendous help. He has put in huge amounts of time and energy to transform his life and free himself. Your boyfriend must want to be free, for himself. He must be willing to change his life. You cannot love him enough to make him stop. You cannot do the work to get him free anymore than you could if he were an alcoholic. Take care of you! Focus all that time and energy on you. What do you want to do in life ( without your boyfriend) what are your dreams? You are so young! I guarantee if you start improving your life by yourself you will get past this with or without him.

 

Hello Blue,

I am deeply sorry you have to go threw this. I can only speak from the side as an addict but I can understand the way you must feel. What you have to go threw literaly sucks. There is no other way to describe it. I find it very kind of you to support your boyfriend so much, because many of us would wish for something like that! Nevertheless, I still believe that we as addicts must go the path of recover on our own. What you describe seems to me that he has realized that he has an issue but the severity of his addiction and actions are still unknown to him. Between the time I firstly spoke out that I may have a porn addiction until the moment I found the answers what I was looking for took two years.

1. I couldn't find the right help. There are still a few places and therapists that deal with sexual related addictions. I went two times to urologist to get treatment for symtomps related to my porn consumption. I asked if porn could be the cause of my ED and low sensitivity during sex but both urlogist did not see the real reasons for my issue and just perscribed medication for me. The last option I had was to go to a couple counceling therapist who had knowledge in the field of couple sexuality as well. He was still no expert in sexual related addictions but he was the first person that was able to help me out.
2. Secondly, of course it takes lots of time to be able to admit to yourself that you have an issue, an addiction. I also did say easily 'I think I have an issue and I want to stop' to one of the closest persons at that time but in reality I was far away from accepting that. It is hard to admit to yourself you are a failure in the eyes of society. It is hard to admit to yourself that you are an addict and people will reject and judge you for that. It is simply scary. What does the mind do? It wants to protect you from that and keeps you in the comfort zone.

I am sure that in his state he is not able to see how much his actions do have affect on others. He maybe is even just able to get through his own suffering! I agree with you that he should seek out for help! I did too and it changed my life. Addiction is usually just the symptom and not the cause. I hope he will succeed and make the right dessicions for his sake and for yours.

I hope you know that my goal of my lines are that you maybe can get some answers about what is going on in his head. I have been left in the unkown myself quite often and I always found peace in answers.
We are all responsible for ourselves and most important we have to look out for ourselves. Addiction may be the cause for faulty behavior but should never be an excuse for it.

If you need anything else we are here for you!

Kind regards.

PS.: Here is a link to a great podcast that could be very interesting for you:

 

I am so sorry for what you’re going through. Your feelings that you have shared are exactly what I’m going through as well, even the long distance relationship part. It’s so difficult, and I feel everything you’re feeling. I hope you’re doing okay today. May I ask, how far apart are you and your boyfriend? Long distance is so damn hard in general, without porn addiction invoked. And with, it makes it that much harder. I’d like you to know that you’re not alone. I am here for you if you need a friend, or a listening ear. Keep your chin up, girl.

 

If he has relapsed three times in a week, he's not relapsing. He's actively choosing to act out. He is not in recovery. He's not even sober.

You have drawn the line and put your boundaries down. Stick to them. If he isn't willing to do the work now knowing he could lose you, you know what you need to for yourself.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are strong.

 

From experience, I just want to be real with you. He’s not facing the problem yet. You are afraid of the problem, he’s not brave enough to face it....you are in for disaster. If you think you are strong enough to wait one year...two maybe more years for him to hit rock bottom or become sick and tired of himself and his lifestyle, then start doing your research and start working on your coping abilities.

if you don’t think you can survive that, then start finding closure so you can move on and wish him well. If you stay, it will change you. That’s a guarantee, but in what ways is up to you. It is very painful, and resentment may make you physically sick, but you can learn a lot about yourself in that breaking. It’s possible to take any experience as an opportunity to grow, with patience and time. Whatever happens, be true to you first and foremost. Know that you are perfect the way you are physically, do not take his choices personally. It’s a battle within. You are not obligated to see him through it.