Unable to get a relationship so I turn to porn

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Ghost79, Sep 15, 2017.

  1. Ghost79

    Ghost79 Fapstronaut

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    This is basically what it comes down too. I would like to have a relationship not only for sex but to have a companionship, a good friend in life and to receive affection.
    I'm 38, never had a serious relationship. I had sex only with escorts but that felt pretty awful after they leave, it made me feel empty.
    I did have a few dates and managed again to get a new few ones with women next month, but they all seem to lose interest in me after the first date :(
     
  2. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    you are unable to get a relationship BECAUSE you turn to porn. Stop the cause and you'll see the results.
     
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  3. Ive been in relationships but, my porn addiction affected them, and I have also been with escorts and strippers. What I came to learn is that women aren't blind to our sexual lust. We crave sex a little more than a normal person. A normal guy who is not addicted to porn, can show genuine interest in a woman, beyond the sex they share more, and that's what I've lacked, and perhaps what you've lacked.

    Your only solution is to try and be ok with being alone until you reboot, and then try again by meeting women and dating, with a rebooted brain, and see the difference.

    At least that's my hope.
     
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  4. holcha07

    holcha07 Fapstronaut

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    The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Get that right, and the rest will hopefully follow.
     
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  5. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I know that feel, I try not to worry about being alone but sometimes it gets to me, trying to distract myself only works to an extent. I know its just a platitude but all I can say is to never give up, if you do then you'll never succeed, and while it may be soul crushing to face rejection and loneliness its worse to not even try, and to always wonder what if.
     
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I'm female in your age range and let me start by saying dating these days sucks. It's hard work and involves a lot of rejection. I mean you gotta go on 30 or 40 dates sometimes and be okay with people saying no. Porn is easier and never rejects you. But if you keep it up you will have no desire to meet women and if you do you will likely be unable to perform. Men who use tons of porn treat women differently they don't realize it but they do. My suggestion is to stop all porn and masturbation for 90 days then do online dating. I suggest E harmony they are less of a meat market and match you better. Tell yourself you will go out with whomever they match you up with whether they are your type or not. Many men who are heavy into porn look for women that look like porn stars and so the only women they will go out with does usually end up rejecting them cause she's really hot and can have whatever man she wants. Go for good looking girls but not porn looking girls. Pmo addicts tend to be hyper critical of women's looks and think they deserve a 10 and will not settle for less. Go on at least one date a week. At first it will be awkward and you will be nervous but it will get a lot easier I promise. The more you stay as you are the more your life slips away. I did online dating for years so I'm familiar and my ex who is a pmo addict did exactly what you are doing for 8 years and then when he met me he had sexual dysfunction and continued using porn and lying. He also wanted his first kid at 47! You can change good luck.
     
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  7. It's true dating these days is harder. People now have higher expectations, sometimes unrealistic expectations of who they meet, and expect their partner to meet a bunch of criteria they listed. I think real relationships are organic, you like someone because of who they are and perhaps there are things that bother you and maybe things you don't like, but the overall person, the human being is so good for you, that you ignore those bits of flaws that person may have.

    However, these days people are looking for the "perfect" match, both physically and psychologically, and that person simple does not exist.

    Some people will always be more compatible than others, but no one will ever be 100% perfect.

    This is why I always think that when dating, you have to empty your expectations, just have zero expectations and meet this person, get to know them completely and then decide if you can have a healthy relationship.

    Instead people make their decision by simply looking at a picture.
     
  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    You are so right. People overlook many very good partners based on looks. Looks fade and if you are well aware there is always someone smarter or prettier at the swipe of your finger you just keep looking and never focus on one person. The more choices you have the less likely you are to chose. Before people would date people within a certain mile radius because otherwise how would you meet? But now everyone has so much more access. My advice on EH was based on this it allows you go focus on other things than looks. You take an extensive test and I figured if they matched me I was going to give them at least one date. It worked for me. Many of the men I've been long term with I would never have looked at based on pics alone. When I did match and the other sites I was bombarded with emails say 30 a day or more. I came up with the theory that 90% of the men were emailing 10% of the women and getting angry when no one responded. Yet there were 90% of women getting little to no emails! The men said the attractive women were being superficial. But when asked why maybe they did not email average women they said they were not going to settle for less attractive women! I used to tell my male friends if you would not approach her in person don't message her and expect a response. I don't think men have any idea how many emails we get I showed some male friends that were astounded! But it's not any better on our end. I would say around 70% of those that wrote me never read my profile. They were 30 years older or a lot younger. They lived far away, they smoked etc. 10 percent were just crude sexual comments, 10% were nasty follow up emails about why I would not respond and how horrible it was and the rest well at that point I just looked at pictures I was so exhausted. But I ended up picking the player men and probably missed a lot of great guys because of it.
     
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  9. Such an interesting subject here...I've tried online dating from time to time. I won't deny the fact that I go straight to pictures before reading profiles. It's just the way society is today. Looks are the main focus. I've been on a handful of dates where I had a really great time with the girl, but had absolutely no physical attraction to her. That's what made it so hard because at the end of the date, I'd say "thanks for coming out tonight. I had a great time with you". Then I never talked to her again. Then I sit around thinking there's no way I'll ever meet a girl like that with the looks to match. I continue to set myself up for disappointment. I do find it amusing when I read profiles of the more attractive women where they say "don't bother to message me if you're just trying to get laid" then they probably go for the first player that comes along and end up in bed with him on the first date. It just seems like we're all losing in the game of online dating. The less attractive will be ignored. The attractive will get played, and the players will continue to feed their addiction. Sorry..just venting here.
     
  10. EddyFriend

    EddyFriend Fapstronaut

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    Tony Robbins says: Heal the boy and the man will arise
     
  11. BeautyForAshes

    BeautyForAshes Fapstronaut

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    "Love yourself or nobody will"
    - J. Cole

    I suspect it's probably not just PMO. Women can sense mental weakness in a man and they generally hate that. They'll generally feel either contempt or pity for you. Your story can make a grown man cry, but regardless of your short-comings, you can make a whole "180" degree turnaround.
     
  12. BeautyForAshes

    BeautyForAshes Fapstronaut

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  13. Got to Overcome

    Got to Overcome Fapstronaut

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    I agree with those who mentioned the importance of abstaining from porn. We all know the benefits of doing so, but I think it's especially important when trying to meet women.

    I recall once hearing a woman say that she can smell porn on men. I see where she's coming from, as it does have such a huge effect on our self-confidence and ability to interact with women without objectifying them in our minds or outright staring at their body parts.

    So definitely make sure you're 100% committed to abstaining. Besides that, I'd recommend a commitment to grooming. Be clean-shaven or have a neatly trimmed beard. Dress well, make sure your nails are clipped rather than bitten, keep those nose hairs trimmed, etc. If you look good, you'll feel good.

    Are you good enough at any particular skill to teach classes? If not, develop yourself so that you'll be able to. A man in position of leadership is something that many women appreciate. More generally, learn as many different skills as possible, as it shows you to be a man who's capable of taking care of both yourself and others. This will also improve your confidence, the importance of which can not possibly be overstated.

    And once you're out on a date, make sure to be as good of a listener as possible. Never talk over a woman, talk about yourself as little as possible, and when she's talking, actually listen to her. Don't just try to nod your head in appropriate places but actually listen to what she's saying. In breaks in conversation, make comments that show you've been paying attention and are actually interested in her as a person. Obviously, this will be easier with some women than others, but the point is that you make the effort.

    Anyhow, I know it can be tough, but just stay positive and keep developing yourself and I'm sure you'll find the right person.
     
  14. What's wrong with being single? After 38 years you may be more comfortable doing your own thing. I've dated on and off for 20+ years and have chosen to enjoy the freedoms of bachelor-hood. But for happiness you gotta quit watching porn. It's destroying our minds!
     
  15. I've looked back on the women I've chosen in my life, and most were just an easy way to get laid. Insecure women, with a deep troubled past, most of them were raped when very young, and somehow this attracted me, because they were easy to manipulate. You just offer them comfort, love, and in exchange they give you everything.

    Of course this is a double edge sword, in time they would just get over me because all I offered them was a temporary comfort, in time they would realize they didn't love me, all they wanted was to feel safe for a while and pretend they are in some sort of bubble of safety.

    They just seek novelty, a new guy to cover them under the illusion that they don't need to address their past and they can live in complete denial.

    I based my decisions on sex, which is one of the many reasons I want a reboot.
     
  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I don't think there is anything wrong with being single if that makes you happy but here it does not appear to. What I see a lot of being single myself for a good part of my life is men in their mid 40s who suddenly realize they are not happy being single and are ready for kids and a family but struggle to find someone to do that with. Life is not never ending. So my opinion is if you want a relationship you need to actively date and it's hard work! But it's just like anything else in life practice makes perfect. Dating teaches you a lot even if you don't meet anyone.
     
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  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am a woman and yes this is it. Confidence is a huge attractor.
     
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  18. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I agree online dating sets it up to be about looks so it's hard not to be that way. I think it would work a lot better if men only emailed women who were looking for them. That way the woman would have a lot less emails to weed through of men that were not at all what she was seeking and could focus on the good ones. And other women would get emails. So if she says her age range stops at 40 and you are 50 just don't bother. For that 10% of women getting all those emails it's like a full time job trust me. The advice I give (to my female friends too) is if you go on a first date and do not find the person hideous but also don't want to sleep with them, but you had a great time talking with them and genuinely like that give that up to a 3rd date. You would be surprised what happens when your attraction grows. Most experts say a 10 on compatibility and a 6 on chemistry or attraction is better than the reverse. Chemistry and attraction fade and don't maintain relationships. It's not settling it's just reality. In the days before online dating this played out all the time. People met as friends and more developed. When you are seeking a life partner looks are a very minor part. I was there I did it too but just cause a guy makes me blush he's so attractive does not equate to him being a good life partner. The movies tell us that and we fall prey.
     
  19. zx125

    zx125 Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to this. I am a few years older than you but it was only when I started nofap that I realised I was using it as a substitute to a real relationship. I suppose it makes sense, if you can have a relationship why would you need to fap? I too would like nothing more than to have a real relationship with a woman, and connect emotionally, as well as sexually. You are not alone in how you feel.
     
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