Hey guys! I'm Chris. I guess it's time for me to start a journal. I realized I'm an addict around summer 2018 and since then I've been struggling with this whole issue. I wasn't quite successful with that until October 2019. I don't know what exactly happened but it was quite a turning point in my life. I started to act responsible for my own life. I changed everything, I went to the gym, I'm eating healthy and I read "YourBrainOnPorn" twice. It helped me alot. My streaks are getting longer and each time I'm in reboot, I learn so many new things about myself. So many feelings undiscovered. To make a shortcut - I relapsed this afternoon after a 3-week-streak. I'm frustrated because I didn't just relapse - I binged. And I have this thing about femdom porn and some years ago I started browsing escort ads and chat with them about my fantasies. I'm doing this not only because it turns me on - the answer goes much deeper. I feel some kind of relief talking to them about my darkest desires because I never told anyone about it. There were some girlfriends who knew things on the surface. But no one out there knows my real me. And that hurts sometimes. I'm in a relationship for almost two years now. Right now I'm feeling like an asshole because I'm not the man I want to be for her. I want to be honest with her. But I can't. I'm too frightened. I've never been the guy who were able to talk with girls about sexual desires or those real deep emotions. But now I know that it's the only way to let someone in your heart. I know that someday I have to talk to her. About my desires and my addiction. I'm so scared. As I said, I changed my life and I don't think that this relapse will turn everything around. Maybe I needed it because it showed me again that I really have to talk to her. Right now I feel pure love for her - since those October days our relationship is getting better and better and in those long streaks I felt feelings for her I never knew. I don't want to destroy that. I want to live my life. I want to be able to love her. I want to be able to have sex with her. Well, I guess all I can do is just do it. This time for real. Feel free to give me advices throughout my reboot. I won't update this journal on a daily base but from time to time. Thanks for reading.