Unable to talk to her about my addiction

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by lowland, Jan 24, 2020.

  1. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    Hey guys! I'm Chris.
    I guess it's time for me to start a journal. I realized I'm an addict around summer 2018 and since then I've been struggling with this whole issue. I wasn't quite successful with that until October 2019. I don't know what exactly happened but it was quite a turning point in my life.
    I started to act responsible for my own life. I changed everything, I went to the gym, I'm eating healthy and I read "YourBrainOnPorn" twice. It helped me alot.

    My streaks are getting longer and each time I'm in reboot, I learn so many new things about myself. So many feelings undiscovered.
    To make a shortcut - I relapsed this afternoon after a 3-week-streak. I'm frustrated because I didn't just relapse - I binged. And I have this thing about femdom porn and some years ago I started browsing escort ads and chat with them about my fantasies.

    I'm doing this not only because it turns me on - the answer goes much deeper. I feel some kind of relief talking to them about my darkest desires because I never told anyone about it. There were some girlfriends who knew things on the surface. But no one out there knows my real me. And that hurts sometimes.

    I'm in a relationship for almost two years now. Right now I'm feeling like an asshole because I'm not the man I want to be for her. I want to be honest with her. But I can't.
    I'm too frightened. I've never been the guy who were able to talk with girls about sexual desires or those real deep emotions. But now I know that it's the only way to let someone in your heart.
    I know that someday I have to talk to her. About my desires and my addiction. I'm so scared.

    As I said, I changed my life and I don't think that this relapse will turn everything around. Maybe I needed it because it showed me again that I really have to talk to her. Right now I feel pure love for her - since those October days our relationship is getting better and better and in those long streaks I felt feelings for her I never knew.
    I don't want to destroy that. I want to live my life. I want to be able to love her. I want to be able to have sex with her.

    Well, I guess all I can do is just do it. This time for real. Feel free to give me advices throughout my reboot. I won't update this journal on a daily base but from time to time.
    Thanks for reading.
    Nugget9 and That'sJustDandy like this.
  2. Hexham C

    Hexham C Fapstronaut

    If you need to tell someone to help with your recovery, I'd tell someone else first (find an accountability partner or a friend) because it's a huge burden for a partner to deal with.
    John__ likes this.
  3. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    Hey Hexham C, thanks for replying.
    The only person out there who knows about my issue is a good friend of mine. He's studying abroad right now and when I visited him last year, I told him. It really changed things for me but unfortunately he didn't really understand my point I guess.
    That's what I'm afraid of. That people don't understand me or think I'm absolutely weird or crazy, because porn isn't so bad - at least it's what the mainstream still thinks. My gf asked me a few weeks ago if I would mind watching porns with her.
    I guess it could be interesting to do it with a girl but let's be honest - I want to stay away from this shit for the rest of my life. I'm not interested in watching porn in a controlled, safe way because for me, there is no safe way. It's bad for me.

    I'm thinking about seeing a group - guys who fight the same issue. Maybe a therapist who knows how to deal with it. I really want to life the life I could live if I quit.
    How did you guys tell it to your girl?
  4. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    I guess another big problem is that I know that my addiction has so much more issues under the surface. I won't be free by quitting porn forever, though it's necessary to do that first. There are some things on my mind that have to be healed, and I don't know all of those issues yet.
    What I'm trying to say is, that Porn is just a variable in this case. I could be addicted to everything, in the end it wouldn't be that different. But Porn is so hard to handle for your partner - I know for sure that she will be totally hurt. Because of that I'm still hoping to manage this on my own or with help from my friends, though at the moment I don't really think that my friends are the right persons to tell this. Which makes things worse, because it probably means, that they aren't the kind of friends I want to share my life with.

    I thought about telling her I once was an Porn Addict, years before we met. It would free my mind a little and she would know, that PA was and is an issue for me. But on the other side it would be a lie. And I don't want to be a lyer anymore.
    I read that there are two options: your relationship will fall apart or it will go stronger.

    I think we really could make it but I'm feeling things for this girl I never felt before and I really don't want to destroy things if there is a chance that I can manage it alone without hurting her - and being pornfree in the end. A good husband with a cleared up mind and life.
    I'm thankful for advices from you...
  5. Hexham C

    Hexham C Fapstronaut

    To be totally honest, I haven't told my SO. I'm afraid she'd see me differently. Once I tell her I can never untell her.

    Maybe tell your gf in a casual way? Instead of calling it an "addiction", maybe just say that watching porno can be like playing too many video games & gets obsessive for you - and so you now avoid watching it entirely?
    lowland likes this.
  6. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    I can totally understand that.
    And what you mentioned could be a good solution for telling her at least that it's a problem for me without telling her everything that goes with that.
    Hexham C likes this.
  7. Jonas 2:10

    Jonas 2:10 Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone,
    right now I am dealing with the same issue. Found girl I love for the first time in my life. I cant live my sexual life fully because of my PIED. I cant even tell this girl because we are not together for that long and I think I would scare her off. Its tough.
  8. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I agree, you can avoid the use of the word addiction and trade it for something more casual.

    For the OP, it sounds like his girlfriend gave him a great opportunity, one that he can even use now, to bring up the subject. Just revisit the conversation about porn and say that it has been a source of trouble, and you have to avoid it completely. Beyond that, I would add something like "it's a bit more complicated than that, and I'm unsure of how much you would want to know", then she is in control of how much is disclosed and that is a good thing too.
    lowland and Hexham C like this.
  9. Love life family

    Love life family Fapstronaut

    I've been married 10 years. My wife found out about my porn addiction about 1 year in.
    It has been hell.
    The thing is...you cant hide it. Youre a horn dog and you want to see what you want to see and one day shes going to catch you.
    You can quit, but ive never gone longer than 30 days.
    Life was amazing during those 30 days and I grew as a person so much but something in me always forces me to find porn at all costs and get my rocks off.
    My wife is stronger than most and while she has never been ok with it, she doesnt quit.
    She doesnt really think i can quit at this point so its like a weird stalemate where we are hoping for a better future but it doesnt seem likely.
    I wish I could get a handle on it but as soon as my mind starts imagining sexy stuff...its over.
    Good luck man...hiding it is bullshit. Its just as bad as telling her the truth and her leaving you cause youll always know its all bs.
  10. John__

    John__ Fapstronaut

    Hi, Chris!
    There are some things that I don't think you should put on a partner/wife. Porn is one of them. Women are masters of complicating everything. She won't be able to help you solve your problems, she will only add more. If you want to fix this issue, then look within and tackle it yourself, or dump your gut emotions, pains, dark secrets on 1 friend who would never betray you.

    In the idealistic fairytale relationship that we all pictured when we were growing up, we thought we were supposed to tell our partners everything, but we learn as we get older that there are certain things we must carry and solve alone for the sake of our partners. It is because we love them, that we do this. I 100% believe that you can tackle this and fix this without her knowing and that you will find absolute peace in who you are once you along the way. After all, your dilemma is that you don't like who you are and you know she wouldn't like who you are, so if you fix who you are, then you will find peace. I guarantee this.

    Edit: I would add that the only time I think it would be okay to tell your partner is if she doesn't try to appeal to you sexually (and succeed at times - even if it pales a little in comparison to the perfect women you see online), because if there is no sexual appeal, then you are tying your own hands, rejecting yourself, complicating your own life, creating your own problems, and the relationship is doomed to fail anyway.
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2020
    lowland likes this.
  11. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    Hey, I think you're right. This really could be a great opportunity. But I'm still afraid to go under the surface because once you're in there, where do you find the point to stop? I'd want her to know that I've been struggeling but I don't want her to know all those details who are painful even for me - it would be horrific for her.

    Hey John!
    Feels good to read that. But maybe just because it is what I want to hear - that I can fix it without hurting her by telling her?
    I don't know. After all I've heard about neuroplasticity and after all those crazy changes I've been through the last years, I think that one can really change himself. Maybe not 100 % but I'm sure I could build the life I want to and be the man I want to be.
    It's my addiction holding me back.

    What did you do to tackle those things inside yourself?
  12. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    Hi Chris!

    I'm a significant other who has been active on this site for exactly one year, and during that time I've read hundreds and hundreds of stories from women in relationships with pornography addicts. What I've learned from those accounts is that ladies are pretty awesomely equipped with handling the porn issue itself, when it's communicated about clearly. I've yet to see one woman leaving a relationship because of her man confessing to her about pornography addiction, and being 100% transparent about it. Never read about it on here, not even once.

    In stark contrast to that, I've read hundreds of accounts from women finding out on their own, and being so distressed from it that the relationship eventually ended, either instantly or after years of continuous lies, horrendous fights, distrust, disgust and loss of respect. That's not unusual whatsoever.

    Women seek truth and security above anything else, and if a man is open about painful parts of his life, she knows that he is brave and honest and that she can lay her life in his hands. Yes, she will absolutely be upset if you tell her, but she will not be broken. She will still respect and love you. Over time, your bond and sex life can grow so much stronger, too.

    Whether you choose to fight it on your own, consult a specialized therapist, confide in a friend or rely on support here on NoFap, it's of vital importance that she doesn't find out about it from anything else, or anyone else, but you. That would destroy her; your confession will not.
  13. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    Hey Lilla_My, I get your point. That's one more point I'm afraid of - that she somehow will find out about it.
    I'm gonna tell her about it. There's no easy way out I guess and I'm not the guy who can live with a lie. I just don't know where and when. But I'm gonna sit down and work things through in my head.

    I have to admit that I relapsed again. I'm ashamed to tell you that but I'm lucky to have this kind of support. After my last relapse I felt so many withdrawal symptoms I never noticed before. I experienced the chaser-effect, urges and strong fantasies.
    Unfortunately I gave in. But fortunately I'm gonna take things serious now. I don't want this to destroy my life.

    - I'm home alone
    - I'm stressed
    - hangovers!
    - experiencing the chaser effect

    I already made myself a bucket list. Things that I could do if I'm experiencing strong urges. Those are things like trying a new coffee shop or doing some sightseeing in my town. Going to places where I meet people. Taking a hike or exercise.
    I didn't take it very serious the last times but now it's enough.

    #1 - never ever be home alone while you are online
    #2 - if you experience some urges while home alone: WORK ON YOUR BUCKET LIST!
    #3 - work on your coping skills for stress
    #4 - focus on your reboot, eat healthy and excercise
    #5 - work on your problems (right now I'm into the Shadow Process)
    #6 - work on your communication (open up to those you love and socialize while you can)
    #7 - avoid drugs and stay clear

    I'm using BlockSite on my laptop and Purity on my smartphone (which I can highly recommend). But the problem with BlockSite is, that it worked for my Chrome but not for my explorer - so the last times I just sneaked through it and used Internet explorer. Finally, I just deinstalled it. I know I can't relie on blocking those triggers but making it as hard as it could be for me to get there is a very good way, especially in my reboot.
    If you have any advises for some stress limitation, please help me with that. I'm into meditation since two years and I'm going to the gym two times a week.
    It sounds crazy, but during those longer streaks, my life felt perfect. And I felt perfect - I was so proud of myself and maybe I set myself under some pressure. Meditation and gym didn't work as stress-reliefs. So, please tell me what you do to calm down when things get rough.

    It's time to be responsible. I already changed so many aspects of my life - it's more about getting used to the life I'm dreaming of.

    Thanks to all of you.
  14. John__

    John__ Fapstronaut

    I broke free many years ago. The first thing I focused on was primal physical expression. From years of viewing P in my early teens, I had subconscious shame and guilt that I first needed to overcome. This caused me to have neurotic holding patterns that prevented me from physically expressing myself to the world or to my partner. You know what I'm talking about. It's similar to what happens when people have anxiety - they just feel frozen or limited. Anyway, I started working to break through these holding patterns by getting in my car where I could be alone, cranking up some heavy music and yelling and beating my chest in a primal way to release energy, break up those holding patterns, and start to tap into my primal being again. This is something that I still do at least once a week, not because I still have issues but because the world we live and operate in (as people with desk jobs, or in healthcare, or whatever) ties the hands of the primal dominant man, so we aren't able to fully express ourselves or our energy as we evolved to

    After that, I did some bioenergetic meditation (look for a video on youtube by elliott hulse) to help break up those holding patterns, as well.

    Other tools I have used are meditation through observation (go to a fast running stream and spend time focusing on the sound or the sights), working out, cold exposure, wim hof breathing, and now Tuvan throat singing.

    After breaking up holding patterns, the most powerful tool that I then used to quickstart the reprogramming of my brain was the combined chewing of nicotine gum and the consumption of L-tyrosine. L-tyrosine is used to make dopamine. Nicotine gum stimulates the release of dopamine. By taking them together on an empty stomach while engaging in a new habit that I want my brain to want to do, it starts to kick start the reprogramming of my brain. It's also nonaddictive for me as I can stop using it and not feel groggy or anything within 10 days. If you used to smoke or ever had any drug problems, I would recommend not using this method. However, like I said, the science is there to support that this can be an excellent tool.

    Other things that can help are: kava supplement, Theanine supplement, avoiding caffeine pre workouts and stimulants, working out, maintaining a healthy diet, avoiding food allergies, >6 hours sleep, waking up earlier and getting a jump on life, avoiding procrastination, meditation, and visualization (if you are anxious about something the next day, then visualize the scenario and how you want it to go the night beforehand.

    Good luck! I know you can do this! :)
    lowland likes this.
  15. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    Hey John!
    I'm glad to hear that you are free. Your post sounds interesting because I never really heard of those primal ways to break through your patterns.
    Right now I'm eating healthier than I ever did in my entire life. While I'm eating lot of fruits and vegetables and less meat, I'm supplementing Vitamine D3 + K2, B12 and today I started supplementing fish oil for Omega-3. I guess it's a good idea to help my brain while it's rebooting and rewiring.
    Cold showers are helping me since I started doing them around november and it's great. I really should focus more on meditation...

    EDIT: I got the feeling that caffeine has a huge impact on my libido and makes it harder to resist those urges and fantasies. Well, it's my own decision to resist them - but it makes them stronger, that's what I'm talking about.
    Did anyone else notice something like that?
  16. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    With all due respect, from having been of your mind once, I think the ability to be open about many difficult issues is what sets marriage up for long long term success or failure. I was definitely a guy who thought that been fully open was a fairy tale. I still struggle with what is worth telling or not, but I have no fear of being open on any topic. And I say that with a wife that has anxiety issues!
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  17. John__

    John__ Fapstronaut

    A marriage can survive long term, but that doesn't mean it is thriving. Just because you can unload anything on a mate, that doesn't mean you should. Just because your mate may appear to handle it, that doesn't mean that it was a wise decision to dump it on them. You should never be afraid to tell something to your partner, but you should be strategic with what you tell them. You are 100% guaranteed to create conflict and cause disharmony in the relationship by telling your partner you have a problem with porn. Regardless what they say or do to support you, your partner will now be fighting their own biology and natural instincts by staying with you - an incompetent male. Why would you be so selfish that you would to do that to them?
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2020
  18. I've been with my partner for almost 11 years, and struggling with this for a long time. I struggle to talk to her about this. And my shame for it, and the fallout of my previous relapses/her discoveries in our relationship means I'm frightened of talking about sex with her.

    It's hard, bit I'd advise you to a) do so, and b) be honest. I'm bring hypocritical because I find those things very hard. But I may have collapsed a wondeful relationship because of not doing them.

    So I guess I'm an experienced hypocrite...
    lowland and Lilla_My like this.
  19. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Selfish is hiding a sexual life that directly affects your spouse. Selfish, is hiding an addiction and altering your spouses reality. Study after study shows that the most damage to the relationship comes from the lying, not the porn use itself. It comes from stumbling on your spouses secret life. It is devastating and sooner or later it will come out. A spouse knows something is off. YOU, the addict, think you have it hidden and protected, but it is a rotting decay that touches everything in your life.
  20. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    I wonder if the truth lies in between the thoughts in here.
    Imaging that me and my girlfriend - and I hope that someday she will be my wife - could share literally everything and talk about anything feels great. But once you talk about something, you can't make it unspoken. And words can hurt, even if they don't deliver what we really mean.

    Yes, I think we all should be able to talk about certain things in our relationships. But maybe there are things that won't change anything. By mentioning them people could get hurt in a way that's not necessary.
    What we are going through could be the hardest lesson on this way - to be honest with the ones we love. At least for me it's the hardest right now.

    Thanks, That'sJustDandy! So you didn't tell her yet? Did she notice anything through the years?

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