Unable to talk to her about my addiction

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by lowland, Jan 24, 2020.

  1. John__

    John__ Fapstronaut

    55
    183
    33
    Nice misdirection... Your whole comment is assuming that the person makes no effort to stop immediately, and continues to engage in sexual ventures their partner doesn't know about. If this fella stops altogether and fixes his own problem without exposing himself to his woman as an incompetent mate and triggering her subconscious to find him sexually unappealing and unsuitable as a mate, then he doesn't have to lie about anything (because he is no longer doing anything... derp) or feel any sort of guilt and he won't be causing her to struggle against her instincts either. It's unhealthy for your mental health and your relationships if you get too wrapped up in ideologies and forget that at our most basic level we are animals with instincts.
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    1,640
    2,316
    143
    Except for the fact that he’s been lying for two years, escalating, and unable to stop. She deserves the right to know who she is in a relationship with.
     
  3. John__

    John__ Fapstronaut

    55
    183
    33
    Why can't he stop right now? Today? I'm telling him to do that; You're enabling his addiction by giving him an excuse to draw it out and bring someone else into his nightmare.
     
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    1,640
    2,316
    143
    I don’t know... why can’t any of you stop right now? Today? I ask myself that every time I read that another one has relapsed. Perhaps because it’s an addiction and they hide it? They can’t be open and honest and get the help they need? I’m not sure how telling someone to be honest is enabling an addiction.
     
    Lilla_My likes this.
  5. It's all came out ~2.5 months ago, and I'm around 1 month clean. She discovered it, I didn't deny it - in the past I've denied when presented with proof... But I think everything is out in the open now, but it's been tough for me to admit to some stuff, and been a drawn out process.

    Yes, she noticed stuff. But I lied and concealed repeatedly. Which is basically gaslighting her :/
     
  6. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Obviously, couples don't in practice talk about everything fully openly. We usually can't articulate our thoughts well enough even if we wanted to and most of the time conversation isn't on "everything" but only a sub set of topics normally.

    The difference is that porn hits to the heart of some relationships. Not all, some disclose the porn use and it's not a big deal, and sometimes it is. But, when it is, the non disclosure makes the situation worse.

    The middle ground however is not to "save" the SO from the truth. The middle ground is to bring up the subject and see if the SO wants to discuss in detail. Some do, some don't.

    The other middle ground is obviously quitting porn with some success and then telling your partner. It's the option that almost always seems the best to the PA. I think that it's better to disclose as soon as possible, but I know I'd have a hard time so it's easier to say than do.

    Also key to remember is that your partner isn't told so they can keep you accountable, you get someone else for that. It's just about limiting the damage to trust of the porn use.

    The thing is, if the porn use isn't a big problem for your partner then disclosure isn't going to hurt much. If the porn use is a big problem, disclosing sooner is going to rebuild trust better. I'm still not saying it's easy, because it sure as hell is not, but coming clean is the right thing to do.
     
  7. John__

    John__ Fapstronaut

    55
    183
    33
    I'm on here because I'm taking on a no sex and no MO abstinence challenge with my fiancé prior to our wedding day:rolleyes: (just to build excitement and sexual tension and to facilitate spiritual discovery and beauty in the traditional religious wedding ceremony), and my posts are to share a different perspective - that manning up and taking care of business is still a thing and that a lot of you people are not only creating but also perpetuating your problems. So many of you are just going around patting everyone on the back and telling everyone to use their words, rather than taking this back to biology, masculine and feminine energy, primal instincts and needs, hormones, neurotransmitters, sex, and shoving the point home that if you want to have great sex for the rest of your life then you need to fix your issues (regardless whether those problems are porn related or have a different origin).
     
  8. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    Hi Chris (@lowland ).. I must admit that I'm in the camp of "fix this behind closed doors" with @John__ . And yes, I also appreciate this is a total cop out and avoiding the total disclosure and honesty route, which is by far the most honourable way to go. But as a few have said, once it's been said it can't be unsaid.

    Having been in to the femdom stuff myself and engaging in all sorts of messed up shit, when I started my no pmo journey it led to a greater understanding of why I'd gone so far down that rabbit hole. Things I've now linked to my escalating porn use have only been discussed with one person, my therapist. Not in relation to porn but from things years ago. And I absolutely can not bring this out to my wife for the damage it would do out relationship, as well as the relationship with other parts of our families.

    So for me the only way forward is fix myself, become the better person, allow my wife to have the husband she deserves, and carry that secret and burden myself.
     
    lowland likes this.
  9. ronironi

    ronironi Fapstronaut

    15
    13
    3
    Been reading all of the post and I am on the other camp, the camp of "talk about it asap with her". Porn has been an issue between my wife and me for a couple of years now it has been the giant pink elephant on the room. She really doesn´t like Porn and I always thought it was for religious beliefs (she is very catholic) and also that PMO was absolutely natural and that I needed it and that it was only my stress and anxiety outlet. But 2 weeks ago something changed (still trying to determine what) that made me realize that there was actually a problem and that I needed to stop PMO for good because of the problem it has been causing me, my life and our life as a couple.

    She was on a business trip, my last PMO was Thursday night and I picked her up from the airport on Friday night went for dinner and as we sere having dinner she knew something was off and asked what was wrong, I managed to get the strength to tell her that I realized I was an addict and that I was sorry and willing to stop. From there it has been a roller-coaster of mixed feelings for both: happy, encouraged, liberated, exited, etc.. but also anxious, regret, shame, but probably the strongest guilt. But at the same time me and my wife started walking together towards resolving this as a couple, hasn’t been easy but two weeks in I will certainty do it again. We are now better than ever having conversations we have avoided for years and understanding each other like never before.

    Here are some of the deep insights I have got from this:
    1. She knew all along, she knew when I was coming out of the bathroom just after PMO, she knew If I did it the night before we had sex, etc. I thought I was hiding it from here bur in reality both of us did not want to talk about it.
    2. Our sex life was ok (3 or 4 times a month), but to get to an O most of the time (95%) I would have to close my eyes and imagine a porn scene. Which she always realized I was doing and she hated it but came to terms that this was how I was.
    3. I always made a second glace to women, and as she says when we entered a room and she saw a girl with large breasts she knew I was going to stare (this has been one of the most shameful things for me because i never thought I was that obvious) and even though I thought I was being discrete she realized I was doing it and probably the other girl as well which made her feel terrible, it was that bad and has been one of the most difficult behaviors I been trying to change.

    Regarding her these are some of the feelings she has shared with me, since she is also understanding her actions and reactions to my addiction:
    1. She felt guilty at the beginning of not being sufficient for me and because of that I turned to porn. We have discussed this and come to terms that she has nothing to do with my addiction and certainty she did not caused any of it but it has been a burden she has been carrying for a while.
    2. She felt she was never going to be able to satisfy me since in porn I looked at women with a better body, larger breasts and doing all sorts of things, this really turned her down.
    3. Since she was not going to satisfy me, she also realized that she has not taken care of herself as she should, which also made her feel angry with herself. But all of this happened because she had subconsciously dropped the towel on me and stopped trying.
    4. Even though she loves me deeply she started to think that eventually this was going probably goint to be the reason to put us apart and end our marriage

    At the end, even though I don’t know where you are on you relationship, how confident you feel you can talk to her about this o how she will take it I don’t se how someone that loves you will not be there for you once you have taken a step into solving a problem that can impact both. But if y you do here are a couple of things that I believe you need to make sure are clear:

    1. She needs to understand this is an addiction and that the impacts it has go beyond the moral agenda MO can have, and that it affects our social, emotional, professional and couple life. My wife never saw it as an addiction and since we have read and understtof how it works she has been a lot more empathic and understanding with this.
    2. A clear statement and will to end it since she needs to beleive that you want to end this.

    My wife is again away on business so I write her every night telling her I am still away from PMO, her words last night were: “ Resist because seeing you taking control of your life is irresistible”

    Sorry for the long post……
     
    lowland, anewhope, GID2020 and 4 others like this.
  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    1,640
    2,316
    143
    Yes, your significant other always knows. And it’s devastating.
     
  11. I really like this, thank you for sharing :)
     
    ronironi likes this.
  12. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    Agreed, it is a great thing that you have that level of openness and courage to have taken that leap of faith. I guess I'd only say that the decision needs to be made on an individual basis, for the best of the relationship, and understanding the nuances as each scenario will be different.

    Maybe one day I will tell my wife it all, when that time is right. But for me, as harsh as it sounds, now isnt that time.
     
    That'sJustDandy and John__ like this.
  13. John__

    John__ Fapstronaut

    55
    183
    33
    @ronironi I am thrilled that things have worked out so well for you so far! I hope your wife continues to find you irresistable.

    As others have said, I think Chris (the OP) is in a little bit of a different situation, as his relationship is still early.

    @Jonnyb4 despite you downplaying the value of carrying this burden by yourself until it is solved, I actually think it is the more noble thing to do. I can't imagine the stress it puts on a partner, mentally and emotionally, especially once it registers in their subconscious that there is a more competent individual out there to mate with- Imagine the internal conflict that a lot of women must go through when they make this realization.
     
    That'sJustDandy likes this.
  14. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    If it were 'just' porn addiction I honestly would have told her. I know, JUST... I don't mean that in a negative way as I understand the impact that addiction can have.

    My issues are the escalations of the pmo use that I feel would only serve to hurt, but also the underlying root causes which were long before my wife and I got together.
     
  15. John__

    John__ Fapstronaut

    55
    183
    33
    Oh! Right. I remember now; you detailed this in your original post. Well, that's tough, man... You know the root causes though, so you have a foundation to work from. Man, if you just keep moving in the right direction while re-investing that freed up time and energy in all aspects of your life, I don't see how you can't mend this and find peace. I'm sure your therapist is helping you to sort through everything and is pointing you in the right direction. All the best to you man.
     
    Jonnyb4 likes this.
  16. My partner wanted to know great deals of detail when this came out - really in-depth, and more than I would have done without pushing. Even with it, I was defensive and resistant.

    Point being, this is one of the factors that may have killed our relationship - I lied, then didn't come clean.

    I'll grant I didn't talk due to fear and shame rather than anything we might call noble, but I just thought it was an interesting counterpoint to share.
     
  17. SpaceGirl1

    SpaceGirl1 Fapstronaut

    10
    31
    13
    I’m the spouse of a porn addict, that spiraled into sexting, hook up sites and eventually escorts. I’m also a recovering addict myself with my addiction of choice being alcohol. If I may respectfully offer my view from an addict’s side and a view from a spouse of a porn addict without offence. As an addict who is 8yrs sober I would like to mention that the one thing that has kept me on top of my game is accountability to myself and complete honesty to my spouse about my progress. I simply cannot afford to lie to him because one lie with eventually turn into bigger lies and before I realize I will fall and fall hard. In order to help yourself succeed tell your spouse the truth about your addiction and your relapses. From a spouse of a porn addict my advice is to tell your spouse. It’s very hard when your spouse knows something isn’t right but you are in denial mode. Tell her because surely her self esteem will take a huge hit. She will feel unattractive and embarrassed as she listens to other women complain about how their husbands always want sex and she will sit silently wishing you had that same desire for her. Lastly when you don’t tell your spouse the truth you take away their right to make an informed decision about their life. She may very well leave you but that is her decision to make, not yours. Or she may stay and actually live the real you who is human and has human struggles to work through. I would rather know my spouse knows the real and complete version of me than the fake half real version I chose to show during my addiction.
     
  18. ronironi

    ronironi Fapstronaut

    15
    13
    3
    Hey @That'sJustDandy I am sorry talking about it was a factor that may have killed your relationship and I can certainly understand how difficult going into detail would have been. I agree with you in terms of not being the best idea to discuss every little detail of what we do as part of this addiction, by doing so we would probably do a lot more damage than good. Especially if you think on how the escalation works and how little by little we go deep into things we never thought we would do but that we eventually accept and go deeper, talking to her about this is like trying to get her on board a car that is already going 100 mhp while she is standing still.

    Having said that, I still believe that telling your wife about the problem is important so she can understand where you are and work with you, not to heal you and all your demons, but to heal the relationship and understand what kind of things you are going through. She can't be your therapist but certainly she can be your biggest supporter especially if she sees we really want to change.
     
  19. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for this point. It's articulated beautifully. Kind of like the whole idea of "If you love someone, set them free". And the "Free" in this case is that they need to be free to make decisions with FULL knowledge of what is going on. Besides, spouses ALWAYS know anyway, and a lot of us spend our time blaming ourselves because we don't understand why the PA is acting the way they are.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2020
  20. lowland

    lowland Fapstronaut

    16
    11
    3
    Hey ronironi,

    thanks for sharing your story! I'm lucky that things have turned out right for you and your wife. I'm sure you can do this!

    Right now, I found a new book about the whole issue with some very deep psychological questions. I want to work with that book and find some things I didn't want to face all the time. While doing this, I already prepare myself for finding the moment to talk to her.
    Next week my friend who already knows about my issue comes back and I can finally talk to him face to face.
    For months I've been struggling with the question if I should see someone or get a coach/therapist. After my tries, I'm finally willing to see someone who knows about this. Talk face to face about some things that happened.

    Thanks for sharing this, too, SpaceGirl1. You're right that she (and everyone) deserves to know the truth to make decisions. Especially when it comes to relationships - those are life changing decisions and we ought to know the truth.
    But every opinion in this thread seems to be right from its own perspective. After reading all of your helping thoughts on this, I think that it's the best idea to talk to her, telling her that I'm having this issue and tell her about the science behind it. For me, it really helped reading things like YBOP because it all becomes so clear. By the way, I'm afraid what porn use does to the next generations. Thinking about my own children (probably they will never be born when I can't stop doing this shit...) related to this porn use starting with age 10 or so, could make my cry.

    Nevermind, I'm willing to talk to her and let her into my mind. But I'm not gonna tell her about everything because it would be more she needs to know and would make things just worse for nothing. Maybe after we've been through that I will feel ready to talk to her about those things but right now there is no need for that. Right now I'm focusing on fixing my problem and let her know about it.

    I'm excited seeing that this thread is so alive and full of different opinions on this issue. It really helps me right now finding my own way through this.
    Thanks for that!
     
    SpaceGirl1 likes this.

Share This Page