Unbearable Loneliness... for a moment

Last night was very interesting. I was super close to posting last night while in the middle of what felt like an unbearable loneliness episode. Out of no where this feeing seemed to show up and the feelings that came with it; sadness, no one loves me, I am worthless came running in the door behind it. I started my death scroll on YouTube hoping to find a content that was sexual enough that I could tell myself, “that’s basically porn and I’ve basically stumbled at this point, let’s just go all in”. This is where things got interesting, I became aware of the pattern and was able to break out of the cycle. However, breaking this cycle did not make my loneliness and the friends brought with it leave. I forced myself to sit in silence for 5 minutes with nothing on and think about these feelings. Some of these feelings, I am worthless and no one loves me, are not true and unwarranted. The loneliness is warranted and needed to be understood. As I sat there I dug through my thoughts. Yes I have friends, but none at the moment are meaningful enough where I can have in-depth emotional conversations and not be looked at as a weak male for showing emotions other than anger and perhaps some happiness. Ok, so I’m lonely, now what? Well, “I’m lonely” is not true either. My feeling lonely does not make that my all encompassing being. I am someone that loves conversation and building meaningful relationships (which takes time). So although I feel lonely, that is not who I am. As I analyzed these thoughts and feelings I began to become okay with them, instead of trying to kick them out of my life like in the past. These emotions are trying to tell me something very important, I need meaningful relationships, which is so true. However, I was perceiving these feelings as lies about myself that needed to be gone so I did not feel anything. The feeling that followed was peace. No, there was no big firework show where I kicked doors down and felt like I dominated my feelings or won a battle. Instead I sat on my couch with my loneliness and was content.

 

Is this a quote from a book or movie?

 

Over and over and over and over this process, this courage to not fight feelings nor act on them, pure gold. Peace is somuch less sexy than fighting battles, there's a lot less personal glory in itand that's one thing I like about it .
Courage to not fight feelings, man I wish I was taught that as a kid. A bit sad that I was, but also incredibly grateful for the way you worded your response. I was definitely raised based on male stereotypes such as don’t show any emotions that can be perceived as weakness. Peace is not near as sexy as fighting a battle, but it is so much more powerful. Thank you again for these words.

 

Your knowledge and ability to explain the process of this addiction is impeccable. Bravery is the perfect word for this because everything society teaches us about feelings is the complete opposite of what we should actually do. If we don’t like a feeling then we should suppress it or go to war with it. It takes an enormous amount of bravery to step outside of the social norm and lean into discomfort. Wonderfully said!