Unbroken

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by B3unbroken, Jan 22, 2019.

  1. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Well I’m back. Again. At least for a while...

    I apologize to my friends on here that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to. I just felt God was telling me to step away for a while. Get closer to him, stronger in my faith. That has been great for me. Not saying everything has been entirely peaches & cream or easy peasy the past 8wks. We’ve definitely had some bumps in the road. Boundaries were broke, tears shed but I can proudly say that I stuck with following through on my consequences. Not as a punishment or revenge but as an act of loving myself. Having a standard for how I will accept being treated.

    I’ve been consistently meeting with a CoSA group since August. It’s refreshing. I am surrounded by women/men that can relate with the turmoil of feelings we SO go through. The train wreck, the obsession, the anger, the hurt. We cry, laugh and support each other. Most of all we are on a journey of healing together.

    I know there is stigma around the idea of being “codependent” but I was relieved years ago when I discovered what that was and how I’d be able to change my life because of the information I now had.

    Codependents aren’t bad/hopeless people. They are usually good people that want to help others. Unfortunately at the expense of themselves. They put themselves secondary because they get their fill and worth through saving/helping others. By feeling needed. They want to be in control. Not because they are overbearing and dominant but because they believe they see a solution, a light, that others may not see and want to direct them there. Codependents are great friends, volunteers, etc. They strive to be perfect but they may be trying to bring out perfection from others as well. And that is not our job. That is not staying in our lane.

    So what is so bad about these traits? A codependent ends up losing themselves or never really knowing themselves. They are so busy taking care of others that they neglect to take care of themselves. They get taken advantage of easily because they are so willing to help anyone. Then they feel victimized when things don’t go the way they wanted, people didn’t treat them the way they wanted, or they weren’t appreciated, needed, etc.

    Balance. You can be a good person, you can help people and you can love yourself all at the same time. Knowledge is power. Power to change. Power to surrender that which is not our job to control anyway.


    Step 1: Admitting we are powerless...over others...(and in this case their compulsive sexual behavior)
     
  2. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Hi @GhostWriter! I’m back because I missed everyone and I hope to inspire healing for others along my journey of healing. It’s a process. But I’m growing and learning to be a better me.

    We’ve actually had many conversations about that. Yes it absolutely is. It’s a fine line that separates the PA/SA from their Counterparts. And many SA/PAs are also codependent. My husband has even expressed his recognition of having many codependent traits. People pleasing, caring too much what other think, trying to be perfect (or appear that way), helping people at his expense, not having a voice, etc. And I’ve also taken the SA evaluation to see if I was also a SA because I know I’ve used my own sexuality as a tool for validation and self worth.

    There is use, abuse and addiction of anything (gambling, sex, drugs, porn, shopping). We’re all potential addicts of something. We’re all just broken imperfect people trying to navigate through life, to find purpose, meaning and fulfillment. It’s learning healthy, constructive ways of doing this that is the tricky part. :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2019
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Welcome back!!
    And as always - do you first.
    Hope, you will find whatever answers you seek here....
    And, good luck!
    As always,
    -Kenzi
     
  4. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Step 1: Admitting Powerlessness

    Letting go...is scary!

    I’m not in control of anything. The more I try to control anything, the more out of control it becomes. My life becomes unmanageable. When I let go and have faith, I KNOW that I will be okay, whether or not my marriage is.

    It doesn’t matter how many articles I send my husband to read or letters I write pouring my heart out, expressing my pain. I cannot control what he does, says, reads, writes, chooses. I can only control myself and I can barely do that...

    Oct 27th was his last relapse. This was tough because he actually used P after about a year. It’s strange but this made me let go just a little more.

    I suffer with obsessive thoughts, worrying if he will relapse, be tempted, have triggers, and trying to get him to do all this recovery stuff to prevent one from happening. I was checking up on him constantly. His internet history, his phone, his messages, his location. I kept trying to “find” something and catch him lying because it would justify my craziness. I blamed my compulsive craziness and insecurity on him because...well if he didn’t lie to me and hide a secret porn addiction from me I wouldn’t be so crazy. I wouldn’t get anxiety every work trip, I wouldn’t be on depression medication because I felt on the verge of crying all the time. Living a life of worry is no life at all. This was his doing and his fault I felt this way! Right!?!?

    Maybe, but I didn’t have to stay there. That’s me not taking personal responsibility for myself, my thoughts, feelings and actions. I was keeping myself in captivity because of someone else. What he’s done isn’t right or just. But why was I punishing myself for this!? It’s crazy! Why did it always feel like I cared more than him? Why was I working on this harder than him? That made me angry. I had so many negative emotions because of someone else. How was this fair? I didn’t deserve this so why was I keep myself in this self imposed prison?

    His relapse was a reminder that no matter what, I am not in control of whether or not he relapses, recovers, lies, cheats, tells the truth. Those are his choices and he has to live with the consequences of them. I am only responsible for me and my choices. It’s true my choices could be a result of his decisions, but mine to make.

    I’ve submitted to the fact that I am powerless over this. Over him. I cannot help him, I cannot save him, I can’t make him want to fix this. I can’t make him..anything!

    I accepted powerlessness and detached from the fear of the unknown. I let go of trying to predict or control the future because of my fear. I’m choosing sobriety for myself each day.

    I surrendered to God (my higher power) and put my myself, my husband and my marriage in hands that are much more capable then my own. That’s the only thing I can do to help husband. Pray for him. I also prayed for help in forgiving him for the pain he’s caused me. I forgave. I continue to forgive and I try to move on. Let go. It has been a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

    *note: I have to go back through the steps and continue working them. It’s not a one and done process of healing. I will make mistakes in my recovery and I am okay with that.

    Step 2: Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity...
     
  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    CoSA, is your SO in SA or SAA?

    I know a good percentage ascribe to a betrayal trauma recovery, too.
    How do you see that fit in?

    I did find the codependency
    a part of my issues.

    I’m so glad to read
    you are step focused.
    Considering encouraging
    my SO into a 12 step mtg.

    I’m in SAA, but hear how
    some mtgs for spouses may be gripe sessions devoid of recovery?

    That may be fear
    on the part of that spouse?

    But Alanon had been good for me.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2019
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  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Welcome back, @B3unbroken ! So happy you doing well!

    I do think SA/PAs can be codependent, just as I believe SOs can be codependent alongside their betrayal trauma. The problem I have with the codependent model for SOs is that for many therapists, that is the first line of treatment while not even addressing BT. Many automatically slap the codependent or coaddict label on an SO for the simple fact that they fell in love with a PA and that is simply poor therapeutic practice. While many SOs are codependent (and please know I dont feel that is a negative thing!), most are not. Those who are not are often emotionally harmed more by that model. The nature of sex addiction and the ones that love them tends to run a bit of a different course than alcohol or drugs. That is why I always caution SOs to be careful with that model and to seek out betrayal trauma therapy first, or at least alongside cosa.

    I hope that makes sense. My personal feelings are more, find what works for you and go with it. It's different for everyone.
     
  7. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    I believe the Betrayal Trauma model is very important as well. Those are also steps that I have incorporated in addition. Daily self care, support network of safe people who relate, understand and encourage. I believe it’s his responsibility to work his stuff, I get upset with him when I see him slacking or backsliding and have boundaries in place for that. I don’t think couples counseling is helpful yet. But I know my PTSD can take me down a rabbit hole that makes me miserable and I think the COSA model helps me learn to work through that part. Helps me to stay positive. My therapist actually only sees me for maintenance now. She doesn’t feel I struggle with my codependency.

    We were seeing my husbands therapist as a couple and I ended up feeling unsafe and misunderstood so decided not to continue. But he did mention he heard negative things about certain CoSA mtgs being bitching/bash sessions which I don’t believe is helpful. I think you have to vent to get it out and move past it but it can fuel negative thought patterns. And we need to learn to not dance with those negative feelings for too long. Our group used to be a CoSLAA group and changed the model for more structure. We focus on getting ourselves healthy and try not to trigger each other. Not ever Group is going to have the same feel so I think you need to find the place you feel safest and a good connection.

    The journey is similar but personal for everyone.
     
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  8. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely! We actually say that in the meeting too. Everyone’s feelings and experiences are unique and personal to them, take what is helpful and leave the rest ;).

    I agree the SO should not ever feel blamed or at fault. Codependent or not it NOT your fault and you shouldn’t take responsibility for someone else’s choices (that’s codependent..lol).

    Personally I just find the codependent part helps me focus on myself and develop a stronger relationship with God which then makes dealing with the trauma part easier.

    Hmm..I think I can agree with that. Although I have an internal struggle of wanting to yell, scream, cry and point out his shortcomings. But I’m learning to sit back, be apathetic, and let him see it for himself. It always works out better when I let it go like that and let him figure it out on his own.

    Thank you :)
     
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  9. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Step 2: Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity..

    Sanity is that even possible? This whole thing can honestly make you question your sanity and most definitely your reality.

    So I am working on facing my reality...and reality can shift in waves.. daily...

    • My husband has a P and M addiction
    • He’s also an Intimacy Anorexic
    • I am am not in control of his recovery but will support and encourage him as long as he’s working it. Because as a married couple we are supposed to be on the same team. Fighting for our family not against it.
    • My hard line is physical cheating, I know I am not willing or able to stay in the marriage at that point.
    • I know he is working recovery when he goes to meetings, journals, shares with me, reads recovery books or bible, goes to therapy, does devotions, does intimacy exercises to build our marriage up
    • I need to care for myself and be content with me and my life outside of my marriage

    So what do I do with these realities?

    I pray. I made a beautiful space/nook in our finished basement into a “War Room”. If you haven’t seen that movie I highly recommend it!

    upload_2019-1-23_13-16-49.jpeg upload_2019-1-23_13-16-49.jpeg

    I don’t get there everyday but I try to make a point to be intentional about spending quiet time alone, worshiping, praying and doing a daily devotional. I cannot express the peace and joy I get from this. If all else goes wrong with the day I know that this one part will be the most perfect part. It centers me and prepares my heart for the day. I pray out loud presenting my requests, desires, wants and needs. I ask to be freed from my worries, ask for pure thoughts and desires for my husband, I pray for peace of mind. To feel loved. To find strength & feel strong. To conquer. To overcome.

    This might seem insane to some people but believe me it’s the most sane I ever feel. When I put my trust in the truths I learn through reading God’s word. It fills me with life and peace that this whole Betrayal can drain you of.

    You can have peace in the storm! You can have sanity in this chaos.

    “Don’t be anxious about anything but in every situation by prayers & petition with thanksgiving present your requests to the Lord” - Philippians 4:6

    “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave or forsake you”. - Deuteronomy 31:6

    Can you see how much peace, healing and power you can have when you can just accept these truths?


    Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2019
  10. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    I didn’t want to hijack someone else’s thread so I’ll respond here.

    I can agree and disagree. That is shallow to an extent, especially for a woman has had your baby, her body is not ever going to be what it was. Age works against her and so do hormones.

    But regardless of that, I do take care of myself. I workout, I get my hair and nails done, I love make up, I love sex. I like to feel pretty and sexy. For me not him. Although it’s nice when he appreciates it. I get hit on and he doesn’t even care. My coworker tried to kiss me and he didn’t have much of reaction to that.

    I build my husband up in many ways. I encourage him to reach and follow his dreams. I make him feel wanted, appreciated and sexy. I’m working a program myself because I want to be the best version of me I can be. Happy with me. And I am. But I’m not always happy with him.

    None of this actually has to do with me. He has to fight his demons and work on his recovery. I can always see when he’s not because he becomes someone I don’t want to be around. Which sucks bc he’s actually a great guy.

    We’re on the same team and I’m willing to fight with him for the marriage. But I’m also fighting for myself and my happiness and I will be happy with or without him.
     
  11. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    When IA rears it’s ugly head.

    We talked about putting the “Sex schedule” in place that is suggested in the I.A. book. This week was mine. He’s been driving back and for training all week.

    Monday I felt very connected, he was being sweet, lovey, touchy, looking me in the eyes and smiling, kissing me. It was nice. It made me feel close. I didn’t initiate that night though bc he had training the next morning and he needed the sleep.

    Tues. I was picking up kid3 when he got home. He called me and first thing he did was complain and nitpick about kid1 not doing this or that. Kid1 was at work and mind you is a really good kid. That put me in a funk and drained me, ok sucked the life out of me bc I already had a headache. Later he asked what was the matter and I was honest with him (calmly). He just blankly stared at me, no feed back, no acknowledgement, no apology. Then at bedtime he mentions how I’m wasting my week. No I’m not I don’t feel a connection right now. I have a headache and I don’t feel resolution and earlier.

    Wed he was lovey in the morning before he left so I thought it would be a good day. I was excited bc my computer showed up. I was reading about karezza and considering proposing we try it again. Except when he got home he had a headache and I could tell not the best of moods. I went to the gym with kid2 and didn’t come back for 3hrs since I had to pickup kid1 from work. When we got in he was a little bothered that we all still needed to eat but we discussed the day prior what we were having and he likes to make that dish. So he says to pull out the left over ham. Kid2 asked if could have a hotdog so my husband continued to repeat himself from the other room saying to me “babe-we’re having ham, pullout the leftover ham”, now I had already acknowledged him and pulled it out, yet he continued to repeat himself about 3 to 5xs until I snapped. Then he gives me a look like how dare I?

    It’s one of those things he does that drives me up a wall. He does it to his coworker too and it drives him insane too. Most of all it makes me not like the person he’s being. I don’t want to be around him and it sabotages and chance for intimacy. Which surprise is the I.A. motive. To push people away.

    I refuse to let him treat or speak to me that way. I’m pretty easy going until provoked. And that’s exactly what that was.

    It’s funny I know he did recovery work on Mon and his attitude was great. Tues & wed no recovery work and he was a jerk.

    Then I’ll be the bitch for not letting it go, unresolved. I will not “play” okay until it’s discussed. That’s just the way I’m wired. I won’t push him to talk it out but he will not be putting his hands on me and we won’t be playing lovey dovey until it’s resolved. Because that behavior is not okay.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2019
  12. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Thank you :). I will, my heart breaks for anyone going through this. I have to tread lightly though because sometimes reading about the pain and suffering of others can bring me back to an unhealthy mindset. Just like positivity is contagious so is negativity. That’s part of the reason I had to step away for a while. I will certainly support them and uplift them the best I can though!
     
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  13. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    Hi there. I saw your new name on another thread and wondered if it was you...
    I'm so happy to see you are doing so well. your peace emanates through your words.
     
  14. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    I believe it’s good to take care of yourself for your own physical and mental health. So within reason I agree. That said I also wonder about how One is supposed to keep themselves attractive as aging, potential illnesses, childbirth and rearing, etc. cannot be avoided.

    I also question how realistic it is to aim for what a PA, current or former, finds attractive given it’s been based on fiction for so long. Crazy amounts of makeup plus lighting and stylists, not to mention filters and photoshop, make any kind of actress or person look far different than they do waking up or going to bed.

    I want someone who finds my natural state to be at least somewhat attractive as well since it’s, you know, ‘real.’ And I feel like that’s a big goal of overcoming PA: appreciating what’s real as opposed to a fantasy.
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think this is great!
    Glad to see you around again too!
    *Hugs
    I think it's certainly achievable, it just might take some sorting through .. Otherwise are you well?
     
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  16. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    I am happy/sad to see B3 back amongst us. So :) :( :). That’s pretty much how I feel for anyone who finds themselves here. I mainly lurk since my place is more nebulous in the community, no longer being tied directly to PA other than as a member of our Ptastic society.

    I’m working on me too (seems to be a theme). This crap really puts many things in perspective. Not happy about how I got ‘enlightened’ but am grateful for the kick in the butt and the tearing off of so many blinders, however unpleasant the feeling was. No more matrix for me. :) I refuse to reference the pills and their colors given the reference has come to be used, though.
     
  17. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Hi again :) and absolutely agree with all of that!
     
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  18. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Thank you friend! I missed you all too much to stay away for good :D
     
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  19. Glad to have you back.
    Nice avatar btw
     
  20. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Thank you ☺️ truth!
     
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