Unbroken

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by B3unbroken, Jan 22, 2019.

  1. Do you have interior doors that use a real key? Or do you have older locks that don’t have the ability to unlock with the wire or a screwdriver?
    My interior bed/bath locks can be opened with a penny or fingernail or screwdriver... basically anything that can turn a slot. My new ones (we’re remodeling) have a little hole and a wire or skinny nail pushed in it will unlock it.
     
  2. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Nope this one was a key lock. Don’t know why we haven’t changed it since we don’t have the key but..
     
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  3. Well good thing you didn’t have to break the door jamb by kicking it in ;)
    Chuck Norris, hieeeYaa
     
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  4. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Lol well the only reason I didn’t have to is bc...the first time it happened hubs took a sledgehammer to the doorknob and it messed up the door jam. I had just FINALLY (after like 4 or 5yrs) spackled it...like an hr before all this lol
     
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  5. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Unmanageabilty - step 1 work

    A topic I just read about and am doing my homework on.

    So...

    When my situation (my life, people in my life) seems unmanageable or out of control, I instinctively try to manage or control the situation (or person) to minimize the damage or hurt that I could experience. Self preservation. Again it’s natural instinct.

    It gets unmanageable when I try to have power where I do not. For example controlling another person. Or myself and/or things around that person to cause that person to respond to my desired outcome. My way.

    The consequences of my trying to have power where I do not are:

    1. Disappointment - by setting my own expectations and timeline and not allowing them to grow in their own time, in their own way...I set myself up for disappointment. Then have anger around that disappointment.

    2. Waste of my time and energy. I waste time being concerned with someone else which takes away from doing healthy things for myself. Healthy productive uses of my time.

    3. Obsessive compulsive behaviors - obsessive thinking and prediction of future outcomes. Causing me to spiral into negative thought patterns or behaviors. Checking up on someone (waste of my time & energy). Going down a rabbit hole of negativity. Consuming me, I can’t concentrate on being my own person, a good parent or being present with my children or surroundings.

    4. Self neglect - neglecting self. Becoming depressed/anxious and worried about what another person is or isn’t doing. Letting another person dictate my feelings. Not focusing on me and what makes me happy or healthy individually. Independence.

    5. Neglecting responsibility - I can’t focus on household, work, children. I forget things because I’m consumed by something/someone I’m not in control of.

    6. Unhappiness/discontentment - By putting the fate of my future and happiness in the hands of someone else. “If they just do this or that I will be happy.” Looking outward will never satisfy.. you must get fulfillment inward.

    Truth is “I (or really God) need to be the source of my happiness”. Until I get it right there, then I will never truly be happy. My life will always be an unmanageable roller coaster because I’m chasing happiness instead of living it. I’m expecting someone else to make me happy when I can’t even make myself happy.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2019
  6. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Detachment/letting go - step 1 work

    I spent a good year and a half making myself crazy about my husbands addiction. I did a lot of reading and research about the subject. Watched videos. Read books. I was learning more then him. I was working harder then him. On something that was HiS not mine. It took away from my life, my peace, my sanity. I would send him stuff to read. Tell him what he should be doing to get better. I sent him therapists to call. I told him to get an accountability partner and when he needed one by. I was telling him how he should work his recovery. I was checking on him daily. And getting upset when he wasn’t doing what I wanted. When I wanted. I was annoying him and going in circles with myself. I was angry all time. Depressed. I had anxiety. I still get anxiety. And I kept doing the same things over and over and getting the same results. We weren’t getting better. He wasn’t getting further and I wasn’t happy.

    I knew I had to surrender to the fact that I was actually powerless over him, his addiction, his choices and our future. I needed to let go of my expectations of him and needed to have expectations of myself.

    I decided I wanted my happiness back and it was up to me to make myself happy regardless of what he is or isn’t doing. I stepped back into my lane and decided I’m going to work on myself and become awesome. I still have boundaries, there are consequences for breaking them. I’m loving myself. I’m surrounding myself with others who are on the same journey of healing. We’re past denial and taking responsibility for our happiness.

    The amazing thing is, when I stopped my obsessive behaviors around his addiction he actually stepped up his game. He started going to meetings, reading books, doing devotions, journaling. He goes to a new therapist...on his own. He was going to meetings. When he told me he wanted to seek a more fitting meeting, I didn’t get angry. I told him he needed to do what he felt would be best for his recovery. He decided he wanted a more Christian based program and reached out to a guy from church..on his own. Made plans to meet with the guy and met today. He asked him if he could be his accountability partner and the guy told him about a Christian based group he’s been attending. This is all completely out of his comfort zone..yet he did it...on his own. I support him when I see his efforts and I gracefully pull away and do healthy things for myself when I see him slacking. If he exhibits IA behaviors, I pull away again. When he sees or feels my distancing he asks me about it and I communicate to him what I’m feeling and why. He recognizes his part and apologizes.

    I know I’m getting better too. I’m no longer on depression meds and I rarely take the anxiety meds. Today he asked my option on something he was thinking about doing to help him while he’s away and to help with my getting triggered. I told him that it wasn’t my choice, that he needed to do what he felt was best for his recovery and his intentions behind it. I told him that my triggers are mine to own. They may or may not be a result of something he’s done. Regardless their mine. When he talked me through my last trigger, without getting defensive, that is exactly what I needed. I didn’t stay in it longer because he was keeping communication open and not shutting down or shutting me out.

    I’m letting life happen. I’m not trying to control it. Everything will turn out exactly as it is meant to.
     
  7. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Checking in -

    It’s been a crazy/busy/overwhelming week so far (and we’re only half through it). Been slammed at work, feel behind at home, etc.

    I’m just going to have to surrender to the fact that I can only do so much in a day or week. And be patient with myself.

    I’ve been having terrible shoulder/neck pain with awesome headaches to go along with it. I’m going to PT for it but I think it might just irritate it even more, which stinks. Monthly messages were doing pretty good. I think it might be time for that again.

    Plus I’m trying to get ready for my mini vacation :cool:. I’m definitely going to need it! Hoping to read more and do some recovery work on the long plane rides. Or just Netflix and chill...we’ll see.

    Been doing okay with my goals. I start a women’s bible study tomorrow night. I was asked to greet and figured it would be good to attend as well. Praying I’ll get a lot out of it.

    Nothing else to really report. Which is a good thing on this site o_O.

    Hope everyone has been experiencing peace and calmness in the storm. Hang in there!
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2019
  8. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Am I there yet!?

    I tried not dancing to the music. I let him know I was having anxiety. He said “we’ll figure it out”, all I thought was no “I’ll have to figure it out”. Told him I feel like a team of one right now. I’ve been fighting myself all week. It was a matter of time before the weight of everything became too much for me. I’m human and can only handle so much, yet I tend to try to tackle more.

    I just wanted to cry. Really I was trying hard to fight back crying but he came home and wanted to know why I was anxious. I didn’t want to talk about it until I calmed down and had a grip. Instead I lost it because I feel overwhelmed. I spontaneously scheduled a trip, yes, but I asked him to take off and make himself unavailable while I was gone. Instead he chose not to. Now trips are scheduled for when I’m away. I absolutely hate having to rely on other people. Part of what sprung on my anxiety switch in the first place. I’ve been taught & learned all my life to rely on no one but myself. My husband made me feel like we were a team and I could rely on him. I’m not feeling that way at the moment.

    Another thing I’ve been trying not to allow to bother me this week is knowing he had a “slip”. He hasn’t shared that with me. But I asked him before I left for bible study and he denied it. I just got up and left.

    When I got home he had everyone in bed and apologized for pushing me away. For not caring enough to block himself off the schedule for me. I thanked him for the apology when I felt he actually knew what he was apologizing for and not just doing it out of obligation. Then I waited for the apology for lying. It didn’t come.

    We sat, drank a glass of wine and conversed a decent amount. He said he was ready for bed and that’s when I decided to mention that I was surprised he still hadn’t apologized for lying. He looked puzzled. I clued him in..no relapses, no slips? He said he hasn’t had a relapse and so I called him on the slip. Then came the justifications of why he didn’t admit it at the time..blah, blah. I didn’t get angry and I won’t. I just said for someone who’s trying to work on becoming trustworthy, it was pretty natural of him to just blatantly lie to me. That clearly tells me where he is in his recovery.

    That stung, he just went bed. He feels it. He’s wrong. I shouldn’t have to call you on being a liar. You shouldn’t be one in the first place.

    I am not in control of his choices. But I’m not going to bury my head in the sand either. I’ll always call him out. Maybe not right away but I will.

    It’s just disappointing that he’s still at a place of lying to me. I hate that I don’t have a partner who can be completely honest with me. Makes me detach further because he just proved he’s still not safe for me. He’s still not trustworthy. I know he’s human and I think I have a lot of grace for my husband, especially compared to some, but come on already!

    Give me some credit. This isn’t my first rodeo so please don’t insult my intelligence.

    So disappointing...
     
  9. Sorry friend...that is really disappointing to hear. Sorry that he cannot humble himself. Sorry that he does not cherish you properly. :(

    ..

    36 hours to Vegas? I hope all the last-minute planning ans scheduling comes together for you. I know it will. Some much needed relaxation is just around the corner. Hang in there.
     
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  10. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Thanks he was humble for the first part and just knew he screwed up on the second part.

    I’m so ready for my mini vacation!
     
  11. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Leaving on a jet plane :D

    We went out last night with all his coworkers and their wives. A farewell to a close coworker of his. It was a good time. One coworker in particular is quite the wild one of the bunch. My husband was actually calling me the other day to tell me was going day drinking with this guy but I was in the midst of my anxiety attack so he knew it was wise to come home instead. Good call after hearing about all the strip bars the guy went to that day and night. He’s a shameless SA. Has an app to find all the local places and everything. It disgusts me that even exists. His wife seemed to not mind. They’ve been together like 21yrs, I guess she’s just accepted him for him.

    I understand I suppose. Once upon a time those places didn’t bother me. I thought I was the “cool” girlfriend for not minding and going along with. I felt secure or something. So I thought. Now I look at it as I didn’t know my value and worth at the time. I accepted less than what I deserved. I deserved to be the only girl my guy needed to see naked. I deserved to be the only girl my guy lusted after, touched. It’s interesting how much my perspective has changed in regard to what I find acceptable.

    So now I’m on my way to “Sin City”. I couldn’t help but smile saying goodbye bc I know how it feels to be on that side. I don’t ever think he really knows how it feels. To wonder or worry about what I’m doing. How I’ll behave. He probably almost wishes I’d misbehave so he’d be justified. I don’t think he trusts the friend I’m meeting. He compared her to the out of control coworker. She’s not even close. She’s not boy crazy. Sex crazy. Or shameless. And I don’t have an addiction that she would enable. She does like to take me to the edge of trouble but she never pushes me over.

    It’s nice to see him worry a little. It at least shows some care, a bit of protection or uncomfortable emotion for him. Makes me feel like he can relate with my feelings. He’s probably concerned about my distance bc of the other night too. Understandable. I’m present but I don’t actually feel connected. I haven’t been touchy feely or cuddly really. Even during sex I didn’t want to kiss him or anything. I just feel disconnected. It’s hard when I can emotionally trust him.
     
  12. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Home sweet home

    Had a great little get away with my friend. Her family were great hosts and took us to as many places as possible in two-ish days. Little sleep, lots of laughs.

    Turns out husbands overnight trip for Tuesday got cancelled so he was able to pick up the slack at home without us having to inconvenience our families any more. He even tried to make sure I wasn’t worried about anything at home, that he had it all covered. I appreciated that after my anxiety episode last week.

    The reunion home was nice but short lived. I keep getting in a negative mindset with him. He does things that just flip my switch and I get stuck there. First the not blocking his days off when I asked him to, then the lying about his slip, then mentioning he “might” be leaving a day earlier for a work trip to Mexico (when I damn well know it’s an absolute not a “maybe”). Then after being completely into him, playful, touchy-feely, flirty all day yesterday....he asks if I’m (going to stop working) to picking up toddler, which is fine. Until I realize he’s on the computer looking for things to do on the work trip. Mind you, our Italy trip is coming up right before then and still isn’t planned or all hotels booked. So again work stuff over marriage stuff.

    The atmosphere definitely changed after that. I let him know why. He thinks he puts our marriage as his priority..ahead of work. I disagree. Actions speak louder then words.

    So annoying. Just pushes and pushes me further away.

    He did meet with his AP this morning and his therapist tomorrow. But he hasn’t been consistent with his recovery work. He hadn’t been reading, writing or devotionals, he only did so yesterday because I called him on it.
     
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  13. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    So sorry. Hugs to you.
     
  14. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Thank you luv. It is what it is. Tonight I as even worse...
     
  15. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Not holding back

    I finally let it all out tonight. I just couldn’t hold back anymore. I stuffed my feelings for too long.

    I wasn’t met with understanding though. I was met with defensiveness and anger. He claims his anger isn’t towards me, yet he is completely shut down and uncommunicative. He’s sleeping on the couch. His choice.

    I told him he isn’t there for me emotionally when I need him so I will not be there for him when he’s ready. I’m so tired of this Merry go round. You either man up when I need you or don’t. And he didn’t. Instead he took it as me trying to start an argument. No idiot I’m trying to give you the chance to make it right...and you failed.

    I’m so over this bullshit. I’m exhausted with the bringing me back to square one with lying. Screw you!!!!!

    How dare you betray me anymore? I’m so over pretending and positivity. I’m over supporting someone who is obviously not willing. Who doesn’t support me when I need him. Glad he could sleep soundly and snore while I’m up pissed that he is such a douche.

    Told him have fun in Cabo don’t bother joining me in Italy. I’ll have fun by myself. I’m sure of it.
     
  16. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    can I come to Italy with you? Sounds like you have an extra ticket. :)
     
  17. So sorry friend.
     
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  18. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    @Susannah sure thing ;) only the tickets non transferable o_O. Lol
     
  19. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Just listened to this. It will be controversial. But it had some interesting points. Here it out til the end.

     
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  20. Kudos B3 on being willing to look at yourself even when you have reason to put it all on him.
    You will make it easier for him to make progress if he wants to.
    You’re really trying.
     

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