Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by B3unbroken, Jan 22, 2019.

  1. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut


    We both went to a freedom weekend at church. Always beneficial. I felt absolutely amazing last time I went and again, it just realigned me with the life I want to be living. Free from bondage of other ppls sins/choices as well as my own.

    It was a great reminder that none of us were meant to carry this heavy burden. And we don’t have to..

    Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
    ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    I know this to be truth because I’ve tested it for myself. The only time I get to the point where it seems I cannot handle all the stresses of this addiction or other aspects of life is when I’m trying to carry the load myself. When I’m trusting in myself to fix it all. And not trusting in the promises of God.

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11-13 NIV‬‬

    Not my job. My job is to pray about it, get filled w truth, believe and trust. And the beauty is that it doesn’t matter what someone else (aka my hubs) is doing, as long as I’m staying in my lane and doing these things, I’ll be just fine. Regardless.

    I’m human and I’ll get stressed & triggered again, I’m sure, but I don’t have to stay there.

    I don’t need to do that thing where I predict the future that hasn’t happened yet. Even if my prediction is based on past experience. I don’t need to try to control how much I get hurt because the more I try to play it safe, the less time I’m living free and letting life happen as it’s supposed too.

    Take heart in knowing...regardless of this addiction...you can be free. You can be happy. You can have hope.
    mcgrim, Kenzi, Trappist and 2 others like this.
  2. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

    Vacation and beyond...

    It’s been a while since I’ve updated. Life has just not slowed down!

    Vacation was more of an adventure then a “vacation”...but it was absolutely AMAZING! I’m grateful we went to the Freedom weekend before hand. I felt refreshed from that and I can honestly say I didn’t really have many/if any triggers. I didn’t really care to watch for things that would normally trigger me. I was just focused on enjoying myself and everything around me. That’s exactly what I did. We got along great. If anything he started to actually notice more & comment on how often/blatant men (and some women) check me out. He would point it out and initiate holding hands a lot. It felt good (like him chasing me a little). I’m sure he was still checking other women out too, but I honestly just didn’t care. It’s up to him to keep himself in check.

    I’ve been doing well keeping my own compulsive behaviors in check. I’ve even stopped keeping track of how often we’re intimate. I’m just trying to live life instead of trying to control it. Even in the sexual intimacy department, I’ve just decided to let it be what it is. It’s not the passionate, romantic, bonding experience I’d like it be..but it feels good, it’s fun and we both enjoy it. I’ve stopped putting pressure on the quantity. Maybe it’ll evolve into something more loving and intimacy focused instead of just sexual pleasure, but I’m not forcing it. We have healthy intimacy and bonding in other areas of our relationship. I’ll be patient.

    Getting away, just the two of us, was good for us. We had fun together and just enjoyed eachothers company. Reminded me of what I enjoyed about being with him in the beginning. What drew us together in the first place.

    Our Anniversary was earlier this week too. We’ve both been busy catching up with work and home life since we got back but he still managed to pull off surprising me with different dinner plans then I thought and a beautiful gift even though the vacation was supposed to be our only gift to eachother.

    So I guess since he’s been keeping up with his part, it’s helped make it easier for me to stay positive on my end. I’m sure vacation and all that helped but I’m in a good place right now. I feel free.

    Accepting freedom because someone has already conquered, has been a huge part of helping me move forward. I felt so defeated at one point in this journey and now I have hope and I feel refreshed. What a beautiful thing that today is all about resurrection. Coming back to life!

    Happy Easter Friends!

    You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”
    ‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:4‬ ‭NIV‬‬
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  3. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

    6 months..

    He’s been away all week for training. I’ve been covering everything on the home front.

    Still in a good place. Checked in with him on how he’s been holding up since it’s been over 10 days since we’ve been intimate. I know that’s nothing to some but for us it’s a bit of a stretch. He said today was a struggle but he’s holding out. Honestly today was a struggle for me too. His last full on relapse was Oct. 27th so today is 6mo to the day.

    I was cleaning out my mailbox yesterday and came across the email from when he started to do some digging and discovered IA. It’s interesting that while in the moment you can’t really see progression but over time, looking back..I can see he has really come a long way in recovery. He’s grown and I can see it. He can still fall all the same but he’s definitely more conscious and aware of himself.

    He pushed himself out of his comfort zone to FINALLY step up and take action. Reached out to someone who used to go to our church, on his own, to be his AP. Seeing a Christian therapist (although that’s been a few wks). Meets with both pretty regularly. He going to an intensive Men’s weekend his AP told him about. A year ago he NEVER would have gone to something like that. He would have somehow found any excuse for why he couldn’t go. Actually his shame alone would have held him back from the possibility. So there is growth. It always feels painfully slow, and trust me it has been, but at least I have hope now. He’ll probably have anxiety leading up to it and I’ll be praying for him to just push through.

    So those are the things I’m grateful for at the moment. Progress. I know God brought us together to do great things. Not to stay stuck in a whirlwind of pain and misery.

    This journey has helped me grow too. I’ve had to face my past, process unwanted pain, past and present hurts, forgive, ask forgiveness, address wrongs, stand up for myself, love myself, set boundaries, give grace, have faith and rely on God. I have to continue doing all of that whenever it constitutes. Most importantly I need to remind myself to stay free from chains of all this mess. My savior didn’t go to the cross for me to stay in bondage.

    So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
    ‭‭John‬ ‭8:36‬ ‭NIV‬‬
  4. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

    Almost 1 year...

    I haven't posted in about 6 months. I had to stop staying "stuck" in my unhealthy loop or roller coaster. I needed a break to really focus on my healing more. I'd say this past year there has been a lot of growth and changes in both my husband and myself.

    I've slowed down on going to my COSA group since summer was hectic but I continued with "Married & Alone" calls and my husband recently encouraged me to try the women's group that counters the mens group he attends. So far I love it. We're going through "Hope after Betrayal" book & workbook. Its tough to get back into this since I sort of took a "break" from it for months. I hadn't journaled or checked in w/ him. Nothing. He continues to see his therapist regularly, meet his AP when they can and attends his mens group. He's not doing work regularly, initiating the intimacy exercises regularly and I can see when he uses busyness and other things to cope but I haven't been on him.

    I've learned to take my triggers, feel them, think about them, then tell myself "nope, not gonna go there". Then I move on. I've moved on from this being the primary focus of my life. My obsession & demise. I'm happy that my husbands addiction no longer controls me. There's been a few other things in my life that have consumed me though. Similar to the way that his addiction did. It's like an obsessive compulsive tendency that makes me anxious. I will overthink and stress about things that are ultimately not in my control, just like my husbands addiction.

    Anyway, I took all the "lies" that this addiction and my broken past had fed me and I replaced them with truth. Gods truth. That my value and worth can only come from my Creator. I am valued. I am Loved. I am beautiful. He has good plans for me (regardless of my husband and his choices). I took those truths and I really accepted them. I prayed and meditated through Ephesians and allowed Gods truth to permeate my heart.

    More recently even sexually I'm getting more healthy minded. I went through a small phase where I wasn't and finding myself feeling a little guilty about that. I was always using sex to feel desired, loved and validated. Interestingly I haven't even really had a crazy appetite. I want to say we were only intimate 3x's last month and I was actually okay with it. I even turned him down a few times and didn't feel guilty or worried. Part of the reason is we go to bed too late, but also he's been crazy busy lately and I've been supportive of that but I haven't felt connected. If I'm not feeling connected or if he's initiating and doesn't kiss me, it's a turn off. I want real intimacy. I'm not going to force it though.

    Oct. 27th marks 1 year since my husbands relapse. I have been triggered a little this month. I think because it's approaching and old habits die hard. I'm so much better than this time last year but I'll always have intrusive thoughts, worries and questions from time to time. There will still be hard days. But they are less now and I handle them differently.

    I had the courage to write out and journal my feelings and my triggers. Then the following day I told my husband I needed to have an uncomfortable conversation with him. I asked if he fantasized or had any inappropriate feelings for a coworker. Its a fear of mine and an insecurity of my own, I know that, but I felt I needed to confront my fear head on instead of letting it take me down the rabbit hole of imagination and the world of things that never happened. I also asked if felt he flirts with her or seeks attention. If he feels he has an appropriate professional relationship. As expected he denied and feels he's alway felt nothing but professional. It wasn't a defensive conversation or reaction, the guard wasn't really up. I let him know what bothers me around his interactions and what I was hypersensitive to. Instead of dismissing or getting defensive he heard me out and tried to see it from my perspective. We talked about the progress since last year, him checking in with me periodically, and keeping the walls down and lines of communication open. I told him I'd rather have honesty even it hurt so it wouldn't have a chance to thrive int he darkness and potentially hurt me worse later.

    I'm not holding on so tightly now. I'm letting things fall where they may and because of that I'm in a much better place, free from the bondage of his addiction. We'll always have room to grow but we are becoming closer over time.

    Take the wins, leave the loses!
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2019
  5. Hello old friend .. Life. Continues. That is the good news .. and maybe a small sense of peace in that truth too.

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