growpotatoes
Fapstronaut
I've been going through hell the past few days, as I wrote in my journal: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/ocd-etc.275073/#post-2547320
Today I really wanted to die again. I just had enough of the constant obsessive thoughts and fucked-up images of myself mixed with anxiety and urges to masturbate. I decided to call my doctor, got an appointment for next week, but also a prescription for anxiolytics that I'll buy tomorrow. It did help a bit, I felt less desperate but still not out of the darkness.
I came home late, dreading the privacy of my small apartment. As expected I felt really oppressed and on the brink of relapsing once I arrived. Went to bed quickly, still battling with all that mental crap.
At some point I recalled that there is probably a strong link between sissy obsessions and low self-esteem (as pointed out in some posts I've read here). Do I have low self-esteem? Hell yeah. As low as can be. I can blame the quarantine all day long (gym is closed, etc etc) but, hey, I see people who are fine doing nothing productive, feeling great about themselves whatever happens. THIS is a strong basis. It guarantees that you won't be screwed if some life event gets in the way of your schedule.
Now I wondered if talking to myself with positive words could work. The power of words on the psyche is obvious. So I just did that. Told myself that I am a worthy man and similar statements with true conviction. BAM, out of the dark in a matter of minutes. Back to my normal self. Finally I'm breathing again.
You see, before going home I did my push-ups routine like a warrior. It helped a little but not much, as the underlying mechanism was still operating.
If you have the same issues as me, based on what I've just experienced I would say: forget about no-porn, NoFap, whatever sport routines or challenges or going "cold turkey", before you actually process the root cause. We should feel self-worth NO MATTER WHAT. That's how mentally healthy people function. On occasions they may feel bad about something they did, but not on a fundamental level.
I'm scared now, because I'm not sure if it's gonna work again or if I was just lucky this time. I've got so pessimistic over the years. But at the same time, it makes so much sense. I don't know why my mind has created all that crap, and I don't care anymore (I've lost so much money and time in therapy trying to figure out). Just need to know how to jam a solid stick into that wheel of madness.
Today I really wanted to die again. I just had enough of the constant obsessive thoughts and fucked-up images of myself mixed with anxiety and urges to masturbate. I decided to call my doctor, got an appointment for next week, but also a prescription for anxiolytics that I'll buy tomorrow. It did help a bit, I felt less desperate but still not out of the darkness.
I came home late, dreading the privacy of my small apartment. As expected I felt really oppressed and on the brink of relapsing once I arrived. Went to bed quickly, still battling with all that mental crap.
At some point I recalled that there is probably a strong link between sissy obsessions and low self-esteem (as pointed out in some posts I've read here). Do I have low self-esteem? Hell yeah. As low as can be. I can blame the quarantine all day long (gym is closed, etc etc) but, hey, I see people who are fine doing nothing productive, feeling great about themselves whatever happens. THIS is a strong basis. It guarantees that you won't be screwed if some life event gets in the way of your schedule.
Now I wondered if talking to myself with positive words could work. The power of words on the psyche is obvious. So I just did that. Told myself that I am a worthy man and similar statements with true conviction. BAM, out of the dark in a matter of minutes. Back to my normal self. Finally I'm breathing again.
You see, before going home I did my push-ups routine like a warrior. It helped a little but not much, as the underlying mechanism was still operating.
If you have the same issues as me, based on what I've just experienced I would say: forget about no-porn, NoFap, whatever sport routines or challenges or going "cold turkey", before you actually process the root cause. We should feel self-worth NO MATTER WHAT. That's how mentally healthy people function. On occasions they may feel bad about something they did, but not on a fundamental level.
I'm scared now, because I'm not sure if it's gonna work again or if I was just lucky this time. I've got so pessimistic over the years. But at the same time, it makes so much sense. I don't know why my mind has created all that crap, and I don't care anymore (I've lost so much money and time in therapy trying to figure out). Just need to know how to jam a solid stick into that wheel of madness.