Unconditional self-esteem??

There is a balance in how we should view ourselves. But it should be based in reality. Don't be a self-hating person if you have a reason not to be. And don't be arrogant and narcissistic either. But you have to give yourself reasons to like yourself. If you do nothing and are lazy all day, why would you feel good about yourself? But if you do things you are proud of, capitalize on that pride and let it uplift you.

 

The trick to gaining actual self esteem and self worth is to adopt a lifestyle that you can be proud of. All of this self improvement stuff seems like a load of bullshit from the outside, but you never really understand how empowering it is to break down the barriers in your life until you actually try them out. The place you are at right now is within a dark cloud inside of your mind. It feels like your reality because the brain is such a powerful thing. It's not until those clouds start to clear up in your mind that you start to see things clearer, and that is all up to you.

Doing nofap has been the hardest thing I've had to go through in a long time, and I've failed so many times in the past. However, after I accomplished my first few days, I started to feel proud of myself. After the first week, it started to get much easier, and after the second week, I noticed so many changes within myself. After accomplishing the one simple task of not jerking off every night, I felt so inspired and empowered that I looked for more and more self improvement strategies like a domino effect. It became kind of addicting in a way. It's only been a month since starting my journey, yet my attitude is 100% different than it was before.

The most helpful tip I can give you is to try out cold showers. I can not stress to you enough how much they help me on a daily basis. Breaking past that mental barrier, and taking a plunge into ice cold water gave me the most empowering feeling ever. My brain would scream at me to make the water warmer, but I ignored those thoughts and focused on my breathing. When you're in an extremely uncomfortable position like that, your brain isn't full of anxiety and depression - it's completely focused on one thing. After getting out for the first time, I felt like I was in complete control of my own life, and that my mind could accomplish anything. It sounded crazy at first - until I tried it out myself.

 

yes there should be that. It’s called self-compassion rather than self-worth. Have compassion for yourself, no matter what.

 

The problem is the very idea of esteem is a valuation, which means it IS conditional in nature. If you have some idea of what a self is supposed to be then it's inevitable, not to mention most of the time this gets talked about nobody questions the very basic framework and assumption it is based on.

I agree with your idea of this non-negative baseline, but that is not a matter of esteem. This is important for different reasons. You will ALWAYS judge if you frame things in terms of esteem. We have this bullshit assessment of some people being higher than others, even though people are just different. We value an actor in a different way than we value a scientist, etc. So one some level it is just qualitatively different, and even with these two examples we can qualify it further by the type of acting and the particular field a scientist does research in, you wouldn't necessarily write off things that aren't hard sciences for example just because that's its nature and that's what they have to work with, even if some people are purists like that.

Also if you look closely, some people have a kind of willful ignorance that is behind their self esteem. They may be understandably proud of certain concrete accomplishments, but completely ignore how they may be sort of assholes in other respects - certainly if society at large respects their set of pride basing criteria they are not going to be bothered by it.

My take is since it's based on value it's relative, and because it's relative it's relational in nature. That means your value is determined by the value you bring to other peoples lives, which may or may not be reflected in their conscious assessment of you because 1. they may or may not be aware of it, 2. they may or may not appreciate it enough and 3. they may or may not even see it as a value, which is similar but not identical to the other two points. I mean look at this whole Nofap thing, if people are not aware of all that it involves it'd be like WTF, you're losers. Never mind that there are a LOT of people coming out and saying it's an issue and the positive value it can bring to peoples lives, that will be their perception of it.

So it just depends on social context. You might as well be asking what is it to be a man or human being. I guarantee you a lot of the qualities are things much of the population will be completely oblivious about, but the key if anything is don't be oblivious to it yourself. If you buy what society at large is selling it is VERY easy to be down on yourself.

PS I don't rely on the affirmation thing, it has its place but ultimately that has a fairly weak effect. If you point to factual things and use that as a REMINDER though it would be different. The factual nature couldn't be disputed so it isn't like you have to keep repeating it for it to be drilled into your head.

 

i dont know if this will help you but i assure you how much of a c*nt you may think you are theres someone out there who is a bigger c*nt (me) I say this as whatever u feel like you done wrong will always be forgiven by someone and understood by someone. I understand you are having a hard time struggling with your urges and i understand you want to give up. But if you do give up have you really even tried? Maybe you are a selfless soul like me, maybe you want to help others with problems, but you can only do that if you are alive. You may not be happy with how you are now but ur better than what you was you are trying to make a change and sometimes you need to hit rock bottom befort the only way is up. I want you to look up now and see the big mountain to climb, you may slip a few times, but think about the achievement where you can help others, perhaps u want to visit the world or have real fun ... you can only do that by going out an experiencing the world. Its very very easy to give up and think whats the point im a loser blah... but you need to focus and write down things you are grateful for everyday things u take for granted without realising, breathing, having internet, being fortunate to even be able to get addicted to online porn because in a way its a blessing because some people dont even get a chance to experience an escape. I'm not wishing the addiction on anyone btw im just saying starving people in africa who aint got internet aint got time to even comprehend a moment to masturbate and u'd probably think they are the lucky ones lol. but they have no chance for fun as they are always surviving and thats the trick u need to keep surviving and remember u have ur eyes ur hands ur legs ur able to walk i hope ur able to see or type or hear or taste think of the simple things and remind urself of these. keep working out the other day i actually looked at myself and thought i was good looking and its okay to be ego tisical in a way . AND TRUST ME I HATE HAVING AN EGO. But much like you probably do i need to hear im okay im beautiful, im wanted im a good person even though ill never be convinced. But i am lucky like you to even get to hear or see that in messages im here to tell you. You are beautiful, i dont need to see you... there is always one quality which will make u stand out above the crowd whethers thats physical or skin deep. Personally i apprecaite your resilience as you could be dead right now i respect your inner strength i wish i had that and i admire you for that. I assure you are a good person because u are trying to get help and ur breaver than me because u actually got the help u need. Well done you. Keep up the hard work okay and please message me if you need any postivitity in your life! x