Under investigation

Hi. Male, Uk, late 30s.

Despite thinking I had my compulsive issues with porn beat in the past, I find myself at rock bottom. Increased stresses and pressures at work and home caused me to seek escape in an online world of pictures and chatroom fiction that anaesthetised the anxiety and stress. Taboos were pushed further and compulsive behaviour took over. Despite not looking at indecent images, chatroom conversations have resulted in a police raid to search for such images. The irony is I was only ever attracted to the detached, forbidden aspect of the stories I made up. I have never, and would never, look at awful illegal images and I have zero attraction to children. The thought is sickening. That is not to say I have not been monumentally stupid.

I am suspended from my job while they investigate, as I am a teacher. The investigation could take more than a year. I am back living with my parents in a tiny spare room. Even though the police will not find indecent images, the ageplay, incestuous fictional chats will mean I am also likely to be struck off as a teacher in a public misconduct hearing. Relationship has broken down and will more likely than not lose our house we had just bought together.

Part of me feels like the end result of this will be overly harsh. We seem to have lost sight as a society of common sense when it comes to fantasy and reality. But another part of me recognises that I got myself into this awful mess and somehow need to dig myself out. Would love some support along the way.

I wish I'd never been part of that first generation to be exposed to internet porn .

 

What! You too? I thought I was the only one