Unhealthy attachment

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Chefb87, Jan 7, 2021.

  1. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    Afternoon everyone !
    Not sure if this belongs here or maybe in the dating one but here goes..
    I've recently realized that all my life I am so easy to get into an unhealthy attachment to woman. And if feelings grow more and more, it can lead into almost an obsession. I'm realizing that whenever I've had really strong feelings towards a woman, I find it extremely hard to stop thinking about them all day. I will be glued to my phone with anticipation that they will message any second, I'll even open up our previous conversation, and admire their profile picture and reread past conversation. I feel like my life goes into limbo and my life gets easily revolved around that person.
    I don't think I know what healthy feelings are, and I don't think I know how to control and be a little more disciplined when it comes to all this .
    Does this resonate with anyone ? And is there any tips ?

  2. ThePeakWae

    ThePeakWae Fapstronaut

    It's because you are "automatically" enslaved to her, the problem is the automatisms you devellopped, if they are negatively impacting you, you need to change, how to? first Acknowledge it's a devellopped automatism and either learn to regulate it or replace it to a degree.
    NF SINCE BIRTH likes this.
  3. MrHalfMask

    MrHalfMask Fapstronaut

    That's a tough one. If I read correctly, it looks like this has happened more than once. If so, how have previous obsession(s) ended? Maybe you can use some of that experience to help end your current obsession(s).
    IbrahimViking and NF SINCE BIRTH like this.
  4. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    Looking back, I feel like it's been this way when I develop strong feelings towards someone . I'd say since highschool
    It usually ends in major anxiety , my daily life turns into really looking forward to the next text message to come through etc.
    NF SINCE BIRTH likes this.
  5. It resonates with me. I have been doing the same a lot. If a girl doesn't answer pretty fast I start feeling rejected. Obsessing over women is not a good thing. You need to love yourself to the point where you feel like you could share some of that love.

    Dont check you phone all day. In the early stages the communication can be a little slow so just accept that. If you do that you will also be more likely to send her one text too much and drive her away. Then you panic.

    Thats a recipe for disaster. Girls are wired different than men. They like mystery. If you come on too strong they will be turned off. If you confess your feelings too early you will ruin it. Keep it light and flirty. Dont be afraid of giving her space. She needs time to miss you. If you dont give her room to breathe then you kill the spark.

    You need hobbies and good habits to keep your mind of women all day. I also obsess over women from time to time but it is unhealthy and counter productive. I would suggest you read some books on the topic. No more mr. Nice guy is a great one. The art of seduction isn't too bad but it is more complicated so you will probably have to read it twice.

    Good luck! It sounds like you easily fall in love but make sure you know a person properly before going there. Everyone have dark sides. You should try to find them and think if these strong emotions are really that rational. or if you are even compatible with a girl. Most guys are attracted to good looks but can often ignore a girls negative personality traits that will give you a hard time later on.
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  6. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

    When a trigger hits (or I can't let go of a thought), I try to remember to B.R.A.C.E. (from the FreedomFight.org, great website for recovery if you haven't already come across it).

    B - Breathe deeply (4 seconds in, 4 seconds out) for a minute or so
    R - Remember the truth (for me it's reading scripture, but just remember who you want to be and the truth about what porn really does to you)
    AC - Accountability Call (call or text accountability and let them know you're struggling. Bringing light to the struggle can diffuse the power it has over you)
    E - Escape (leave wherever you are that made you tempted immediately)

    One of the keys they talk about is to practice this even when you're not tempted, 2-3 times per day minimum. You train your brain to start to react like that when temptation hits, and once it really does, your first reaction will be to BRACE instead of submit to the tempting material.
  7. Good advice and congrats on almost 90 days :)
  8. GeeJ

    GeeJ Fapstronaut

    Yeah, it can be a pain in the ass.
    Over the years I have gotten better at separating myself from this.

    It usually happens when I get emotionally connected with people it doesn't always have to be a relationship though.
    It has gotten better but it is not gone I was made this way. I continue to improve in this area.

    Question: Do you also get really upset and hurt if they hurt you. Like bad pain (emotional pain).

    Sensitive guys. Aww, man.
    Gef.71 likes this.
  9. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    I absolutely do. I feel like I put way too many expectations on it. And if it doesn't go the way I was fantasizing. I feel devastated!
  10. GeeJ

    GeeJ Fapstronaut

    Its weird. We are both 87s. LOl.
    I know, I do this sometimes.

    I got upset my friend wasn't around about a month ago it hurt so much.
    Chefb87 likes this.
  11. It didn't happened to me but a close friend of mine was exactly like this.

    until he decides to become more comfortable with his own presence than that of others. That he decides that his own well being is more important than that of others. Even if it means rejecting people. You can't like women or people in general if you don't like being alone. When I say being alone I mean no distraction. No music, no phone. Just being there with yourself and enjoying your own compagny.

    So the next time you're talking to a woman you're like "I don't care if she rejects me I like who I am anyway" :)
    put yourself first. You don't need women. It's just your brain playing tricks on you
    IbrahimViking likes this.
  12. Hey man,

    I get what you're saying. There are times when I think about a certain girl a lot. I think it's ok to have a little crush on someone or think they are cute, but one thing that helped me realize that constantly thinking about the other person is bad is the fact that; if you don't express it it's likely girls don't know you even like them. I think this is similar to the friendzone, where guys, myself included, will act friendly towards women hoping for attraction but they just see you as a friend, you either stay friends and conceal your feelings or get friendzoned. The behavior you're asking about is similar to that where this girl has no clue of your daily thoughts. Also, obsessing over a girl tends to focus only on physical/aesthetic elements of her, not to accuse you of objectification, but it's good to ask yourself if you really know this girl well or if you're just coming up with an unrealistic image. The sooner/better you act on your attraction the better your reality will blend with your dream, so if you're into a girl try and schedule a phone/zoom call to hang out or something like that, you'll get better feedback from her than hoarding a vision of the future that's less likely to happen. Also some consolation on rejection, if a girl doesn't like you, realize that A) not entirely your fault and B) you being in a relationship with this person would only make you unhappy. The thing about relationships is that they only work if both sides are into each other, this is probably hard to put into practice and especially if it's you that's being affected, but if a girl doesn't want to be with you it's pretty impossible for the relationship to even exist. There's no "winning" someone over at that point, I could be wrong, but I'd say your time is better spent working on yourself and building up your social life, than focusing on a few targets, be that girls or whatever you're thinking about. This is something I struggle with at times to so if you have any thoughts/comments, I'd appreciate them.
  13. IbrahimViking

    IbrahimViking Fapstronaut

    Congratulate yourself on the fact that you are aware, and can see this mini-obsession tendency in yourself. That is already a sign on improvement. Once you are aware of something, you "have" it, you no longer are it.
    I advise to explore this further - ask yourself what you think you will have if she answers. What does it mean about her? What does it mean about you? What do you think you will "get" if she answers? Watch yourself, since you already have good self-awareness. Use your "mini-obsession" as an object of curiosity and you will detach from it further. You might discover that what you really want you can give yourself even if she doesn't answer. Or that the fact that she replies, doesn't guarantee that you "get" what you really want. (E.g. feeling good about yourself). No matter what you want, if you dig deep enough in genuine query, you'll see that you just want to feel better. You can feel better NOW, you don't have to wait for some chick to give yourself permission to feel better about yourself.

    Impressed with sound advice you got from other members. But if I may add my personal experience, the "girls like mystery" and "scare her with a message" might, in theory, have validity if the girl is not very popular. Perhaps... But even then, I am not sure. I'm in love now, but when I was dating, I'd receive a hundred messages a day (it's very different for us girls), and, frankly, I wonder how many were the "clever" ones trying to play hard to get - I surely didn't notice and instead made friends and went out on dates (ahh pre-corona times...) with those, whose presence I noticed daily and could remember. If you are the only guy in her life, then, I can imagine, playing hard to get might possibly work, but you would know that you manipulated her. How long is that gonna last? Anyway, I'm not a dating expert but I don't see how this is a sound strategy if she is chatting with other dudes while you are trying to :D look aloof.
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2021
    Spirituss likes this.
  14. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

    I believe we all obsess a bit over the people we care for. This normally tends to be more of a thing during the initial courting stages. This is because you are unsure where the relationship is going so if you like someone, most persons will have some anxiety during this period. For most men it is quite easy to come over as being needy during this early part of a relationship. This is often a turn off for most women.

    My question is does this behavior carry on well into the relationship? After the honeymoon phase most persons will move past this initial anxiety and obsession over their partner. Is your behavior applicable to actual relationships or just women you would like to have a relationship with?

    I have seen on the forum and in other sources that as PMO addicts we place women on pedestals, this behavior may also be an extension of that habit developed from watching porn. You may also be placing too much value in the relationship. I have found that as a persons you need to have your own life outside of a relationship. In can not be all about your partner. Having friends and hobbies etc. are key to achieving balance. To me this is also important for keeping me sober. In the past I have found that I will relapse when a relationship comes to an end, because I have built an unhealthy dependency for my partner. You need other support systems in place, not just your significant other.
  15. Women don't like mystery. They like honesty.

    A guy who accepts his emotions and expresses them is very attractive. in the eyes of that woman but also in his own eyes. He doesn't lie to himself. He doesn't try to project a certain image because he doesn't accept who he is.

    Personally, I have been approaching women I like on the street since I was 19 years old. The main thing I've learned is that I can't control how the girl will feel about me. All I can control is the relationship I have with myself. Accepting to doubt, to be afraid. Accepting my imperfections, expressing them fully.

    Expressing to a girl our emotions, feelings, what does that communicate about you?

    - This guy has the courage to show who he is instead of letting his ego take over and showing a certains image of himself (the alpha confident man, lol.....)
    - He's not afraid of losing me. If it's not me, it will be someone else.

    Be kind to yourself. Don't overanalyze situations. Trust what you feel, accept it and express it. There is no one way to do this. There is your way of loving yourself before you love someone.
    These thoughts surely come from deeper insecurities. Being aware of them as said @IbrahimViking is already an accomplishment.
    Look at yourself and ask yourself if you really take yourself into consideration. You have the right to say no and have your own values and boundaries too. You have the right to be complete as a person without needing anyone or anything.

    A friend of mine once told me 3 years ago, "You would do anything to make this woman love you, even question who you are."
    It hurts to look at ourselves but that's how we move forward
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2021
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  16. MrHalfMask

    MrHalfMask Fapstronaut

    Thanks. I think I've felt similarly before, though we may view anxiety differently. Would it be okay to share anything else that is contributing to the anxiety? Is it a fear of rejection or something else? If that's too private then you don't have to share that.
  17. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    I think there a few different reasons why this anxiety comes up. Love addiction ? Co-dependancy, fear of abandonment?

    I just picked up a few books about love addiction, and attachment issues. I look forward to understanding this part about me !
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  18. MrHalfMask

    MrHalfMask Fapstronaut

    Those are great steps to take! I think you'll find that whatever fear is causing the anxiety though not fun isn't as bad as you think.
  19. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    Thank you !
    It's almost more exciting for me. Because now I have discovered something else I can work on myself. I just thought porn/sex was the porblem. But as you heal and recover. The more and more you see. I look forward to understanding myself more !
    Gef.71 and MrHalfMask like this.

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