University life, in hindsight

I know a number of people on NoFap are at or going into university. Although it's been many years since I first graduated, I've taught part time, taken many night classes, and my wife teaches at a university.

I was on campus today and was reflecting back on my undergraduate experience.

I remember it felt very stressful and at times very lonely. Socially, I felt like I had to keep pursuing girls and I was ashamed of my virginity because my roommates and many friends were sexually active. I felt very self conscience and I'm sure often appeared pretty desperate, which I'm sure girls picked up on. I would retreat to MO to feel better about myself and deal with emotions.

Today, I see things differently. For what it's worth, if I were to do my university life over I would:

- Relax more about trying to "score". I was far too eager and I'm sure missed out on some great relationships because I was too busy focusing on how I could get sex, rather than just meeting people. I realize now there was no rush to lose my virginity and this goal had made me really nervous around girls because I always had a hidden agenda.

- Broaden my idea of who is attractive. Back then, I had a pretty narrow view of what qualities made a woman attractive. Today, I looked around and was struck by how many beautiful and interesting women there are of all types, shapes, and sizes. Porn had taught me a very biased view of women, and it is so liberating to appreciate how wonderful real women are.

- Accept rejection and move on. Every time I felt rejected, I would retreat into MO and stop going out for awhile. I now realize that I was losing out on time I could have met someone else. I know rejection hurts like hell, but sometimes relationships really are a numbers game. I would have done my best to just get back out there and keep meeting until I found some connection.

- Joined more organizations as a way to socialize, instead of relying on clubs and bars. Sharing common interests would have been a much easier way to meet people.

- Worried less about my future. I had so many fears about choosing the right path, the right career. In hindsight, life has many unexpected twists and turns and you are not stuck in one role. Most of what I worried about, didn't wind up mattering at all. The one exception was PMO. I wished I had confronted it earlier. It progressed into a disease that took more and more away from my life. But most other things just fell into place.

Thanks for listening to an old timer. Wishing you all success in your studies, life, and recovery!

 

@CheshireCat2323 - Thanks! Yes, unfortunately college costs have gotten crazy. If you already have trade school and an associate degree there are definitely different options. And I appreciate how it becomes more challenging when you have other responsibilities.

Part may depend on the type of work you pursue. You mention you get focused while inventing or innovating. This is a great insight! There are multiple things you could do. Engineering is indeed one path. That was my initial background. I've found there is still some bias in some companies for a degree if you are doing more of the traditional engineering like mechanical, electrical, environmental, etc. I've found computer programming and related are a bit let strict on degree.

But you could also do independent work or start your own business doing some combination of trade and engineering work. If you have talent you can further develop it with seeking out others and there are now many even free online courses on many topics.

Another related direction you could consider, given your fine art foundation, is looking at design, specifically industrial design/applied design/product design for physical, or user experience design for software. It is along the spectrum of engineering and innovating, but is a bit more focused on the human interaction side vs. the deep mechanics of making something work. Once again, there are a lot of relatively cheap and free online courses, as well as continuing to take one off community college courses. This might blend some aspects of your artistic/aesthetic side with solving real world problems.

I honestly believe that opportunities are opening up for creative people who are willing to take risks and try different paths. I still strongly believe in education, but I think it is quickly evolving from a fixed thing to get over and done with, to something that you can more organically find to fill in your own knowledge and skill gaps over your lifetime. While there is still a legacy of some employers wanting formal degrees, passion+talent+persistence can take you far.

Feel free to message me if you have further questions and I can try to make more specific suggestions.

 

How do you know if you are creative? You create. Simple. You start making things, art, music, whatever. You don't have to be super talented but you should learn from what you make and get feedback from others. You may find you are better at some things than others.

You don't have to be an artist to make art. You don't have to be an engineer to make new things.

Your job is not your only opportunity to be creative. Some people try things on the side first. They keep their job or studies and try to be creative in their spare time. Eventually you may find something you love doing and are good at. But trying things and action is more useful than trying to just think about it.

Good luck!