unwrapping rubber bands from my penis

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Azeez, Feb 7, 2021.

  1. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    I may be the rarest porn addict. I did unhealthy rituals, when my brain found perfect Lesbian porn secenes to fap after searching & downloading tons of porn videos. First i look for plastic cover or balloons, next rubber bands then ritual starts. I wrap plastic cover around my penis, sometimes use balloons and insert penis. then i tight the cover with rubber bands. I tight so hard, my penis should stay numb. wait for the perfect time, Bed time. I took my ear phone and smartphone jump into bed, throw away my pants and rub my penis on my bed. forget the pain caused by rubber band, so much tight even blood spill out. never stops rubbing till i fap.
    I know it is harmful to my health. but i never stopped, truth is i couldn't stops. I am that much addicted porn and Masturbation. I watched nofap videos, i plan my days, journaling, self-talk, i dive deep into my addiction. I have movies, series and cartoons addiction. I used illegal sites do download which is filled with popup porn ads. my hands and brain are not in my control. l lost my willpower, memory, creativity. I was busy escaping from my responsibilities and problems. I never dare to face.
    I am a silent guy. l talked a little,only if someone ask something. I never tried to go outside and explore. simply sit inside my home and watch others having sex. I watched child porn man, child porn. what kind of monster i turn into. my brain forced me to have sex with my sister, my little sister. I think i am crying...
    once i took blade stare on my hands and nerves. struggle for a while not to cut those nerves and ends up my life. a suicide attempt.
    10+ years still struggling to recover from my porn addition. I could only make 3 - 7 porn free days after that i lost myself and back to wrapping ritual again. I am tired, even i couldn't hold paper cup my hands shivers . l am so much weak and afraid that my life ends fapping. or i have to ends my life before porn kills me.
    But i don't want to die. that's why i am here. maybe you guys can help me.
     
  2. Hi @Azeez, well done for joining NoFap. We're here to support one another, no judgement, for the only qualification to be here is the desire to stop living out the pattern of sex addiction. Each story is unique yet equally covered in shame and guilt. We're not here to blame each other but take on the responsibility needed to heal and fully recover. You will find good advice here, recovery and accountability partners if you wish so, yet the work is up to you, you need to walk the path. There is no quickfix, no shortcut and the only way is through the storm and inner turmoil. Stay tuned, read and share and prosper. It's good you are here.
     
    tmsx and Oliver Gunter like this.
  3. Kamal_2018

    Kamal_2018 Fapstronaut

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    You will return to your first state and recover from these rituals and addictions, I am sure, be courageous and stay here with your brothers and they will support you with love, modern neuroscience confirms that whatever the degree of addiction the brain is characterized by plasticity and will repair itself by itself, if the addict stops Addiction, read about how the brain works with porn addiction, and you will know that it is chemical hormones secreted in our brains that cause us these symptoms that we feel, be brave and strong and we are with you to support and help you
     
  4. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    Thanks brother for your support. I teach my brain bad stuffs. each and every time he asked me for drugs( dopamine ), i gave him. when i ever i say no he defeat me by showing porn scenes. I am tired. I care him, give him good advices. but it never worked. I have to be more sharp and strong. No means NO! I DON'T WANT PORN, I DON'T WANT TO SHIT MY LIFE BY WATCHING THEIR BOOBS AND PUSSY. lF I DON'T WATCH PORN AND IT KILLS ME, THEN LET IT BE.
     
  5. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    @Azeez you do realise that now you are a sex offender, and need to turn yourself in ?

    Aside from consuming child porn, you raped your younger sister.
     
  6. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    I didn't raped my sister. my mistake i didn't complete my words. my brain forced me to do so. but i didn't. because my status part doesn't like her. we have childhood fight and i try to squash her eyes with my hands. from that moment to till now i never talked to my sister, even i never touched her. but my brain was hungry. he want to suck and lick her boobs and pussy, the Lesbian stuffs. I couldn't blame my brain because i fed him with tons of porn every day.
    I had a weird kimd of meditation practice. porn meditation, watch porn videos observe the craving and let it go. only one rule don't fap just observe. i spend almost 12 - 13 hours only watching porn. hoped that help me to stop masturbation. but the worst happened, that needle turned into a hook, now it's so much hard to pull out.
     
  7. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    How do ? It doesn't make any sense to dissociate from the whole incident. It still makes you a dangerous sexual predator, who needs to be taken care of. Having fantasies about a close family member is just as disturbing as the act.
    Watching child porn is also terribly and utterly repulsive, I wonder how you feel about that now ? Because I think there is no excuse for that behavior. I cringe everytime I read a news article about an innocent child who had been raped and killed, or left alive to face a lifetime trauma.
     
  8. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed Yesterday and Today morning. I cried for a while and felt death is calling me. No, not today. I evaluate myself what's wrong? Till 8:30AM to 5:30PM I am safe. I am working in Oil Refinery, smartphones are not allowed there. yes I have strong urges and I couldn't find any pixels that satisfy my need. so I watch it grow and let it go. 5:30 to 12:00 the Devil always in my hand. simple popup pics autopilot brain and ends up fapping.
    Today I made decision to quit smartphone entirely from my life. Actually smartphone is the root cause of my addiction. but hesitate to quit, because I used smartphone for learning Nodejs ( backend web development ), journaling, Nofap site, watching movies ,series, cartoons, almost for everything. Life without smartphone would be much much difficult for me. but I have to sacrifice. I am using my laptop right now which is in public zone every one can watch me. Hope this new strategy work.
     
  9. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    Today I had two choices, One to watch shylla jennings lesbian porn videos. another forget about smartphone and learn JavaScript Theories which is difficult because my brain don't like Theories. And I choose the second, Feels good. I had a habit of using smartphone after my work and watching Marks Quoppet Universal man (I suggest everyone to watch it, especially Man of series "Awsome"). But today I decide No. because I found my brain is tricking me. when I was working suddenly from nowhere shylla jenning lesbian porn stars pic flash on my head. If I had that devil in my hands I definitely relapsed. so I decide to watch it later after work. "No you Don't have permission to use Smartphone." "No you are not a sexual predator, You are a good guy." so, I decide when I reach home I put my Smartphone far from my desk. Focus on learning JavaScript and writing noFap forum. And here I am typing NoFap forum, my phone is far away form my desk. I take some notes of javaScript try to understand little bit, I don't like theories. but I like to solve problems, and I was die hard fan of mathematics. I got O ( outstanding performance ) grade in mathematics, 4th year of mechanical engineering degree and that was the most FANTASTIC moment of my life.
    Porn meditation changed everything, I lost my memory, mathematical skills, even now I struggle to add and substract two number. I couldn't do mental math, I have to use my fingers to count. my brain hates counting. What a disaster.
    Anyway, I would like to thank she-dernatinus for that "Sexual Predator" words actually that strikes my heart. Today I proved I can live without smartphones and decide to continue.
     
  10. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    One piece of advice - set up a blocker on your phone to at least slow you down. Apple has some stuff built in and there are other apps are well that work relatively well.
     
  11. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    I didn't had much urges while I am working. After my work I put smartphone far from my desk. that I hate to touch now. I read some of nofap forums and learn a little javascript theories. suddenly I remember, I need a porn blocker on my laptop. I download some of blockers and check it whether it works or not. I tried it first by visiting 18+ movies site. nope, I can open the site. I delete the blocker and tried the next "simple porn blocker". It blocks all porn sites, but still I can access 18+ movies site "katmoviesHD". just as afraid, I heard the devils call " Take your smartphone, Let's check new adult movies. that's not porn". I didn't do nothing simply sit and wait, observe my mind. " No,...no...Smartphone...Lets try to Block the Images, that help a little." and block images + ads. First thought always wrong.
    I found something interesting, If you evaluate almost everyone's relapse chart 3rd or 7th day definitely relapse. 7th day would be sunday and I am not surprised. but what about the 3rd day?
     
  12. tmsx

    tmsx Fapstronaut

    Don't just block websites, block keywords also.
     
  13. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    And It's done, Thanks.
     
    tmsx likes this.
  14. SREENII

    SREENII Fapstronaut

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    bro..during my teen age, i also tied my penis with rubber bands thinking that it will control the ejaculation...but it didn't worked and next day when i was in my school, i experienced severe pain in my penis and i felt like i want to urinate, but couldn't do it..i don't know how i returned my home that day bearing that pain..it's a very dangerous practice, please don't do it...also i was a hardcore addict for almost 11 yrs..i had passed through severe stages in my life..now i'm free from masturbation for the last 500 days..we should never loose the hope and don't quit..that's the key to success
     
  15. tmsx

    tmsx Fapstronaut

    Congratulations on reaching more than 500 days. I hope I can get there soon
     
    SREENII likes this.
  16. SREENII

    SREENII Fapstronaut

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    thanks bro..may god bless u
     
    tmsx likes this.
  17. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    Today I decided to dive deep into the Dark Ocean. Ocean that filled with Hate, Anger, Trauma and Porn.
    I was grown by watching, my father tighten mothers neck against the wall and suffocate her. her legs floating in the air. I was so shocked and scared a lot. they fight each other for nothing, for some small ego issues. that was my first trauma. how she release her anger, she beat me a lot. she heart me by pinching and pealing skin out of my body, I cried no use. sometimes beating with burning sticks and throwing, I cry and ran far as I could. one day I was so much scared and hide under steps holding frond of coconut, crying, shivering, couldn't inhale my heart beats that much. I was scared, afraid, and become silent. I beg for love and care, Instead I get those red marks on my skin, blood stain under my hands. but someone helped me to smile, Cartoons. become an addict. what was root cause of my porn addiction, my dads porn dvds and magazines.
    Story of anger. I didn't like my mother and ignored her. Once I tried to kill my mother. I was shouting: " Give me some knife, I am going to KILL HER. " didn't have knife with me if I had may be that happens. I was so much angry childhood trauma, plus struggling with porn addiction, relapsing again and again, i lost myself, tired of living. my brain was filled with anger. Another incident, fight with my friends. I was an Atheist, I post a comment about atheisum in our whatsup group. they didn't like it, especially muslim friends. they began to harass me calling shemale, and threaten to hit me if i don't follow them. I said, am just a human being, not muslim, hindu or christain. they never stopped. porn addiction, religion Anger takes over my brain. I call bad words. shouted: "If anyone of you threaten me again i am going to kill you all, your family and I am going to jail. jail is nothing for Introverts. I definitely kill you all." I used dirty words and I that's it. End of Friendship.
    This is how porn changed me. Filled me with Hate and Anger. One purpose, kill someone or get killed. I was turning into a criminal, a sexual predator.
    Now I am regaining my consciousness and learning little by little about patience. I watched mingyur rinpoche videos, one of them inspired me. his fathers story, two peoples fight each other and they complain to him. rinpoche asked: "why you beat him." replied: " because, I was angry" rinpoche: " who is I ? ". who is I? If i cut my hands and legs, Is I is there. what if i cut body? I exists or my head is I? Actually what is I?. answer is I isn't there. all we have is a body and we gave name, address, religion to recognize us. what's leading us is Emotions, craving to food and sex, happiness, sadness, anger. we never tried to teach ourselves to control anger. keep meditating. when anger take control, give your brain a job. focus on breathing, or a sound. I practiced mindfulness meditation, If someone shout at me, even if they call bad words I try to calm myself " they don't know how control their emotions, feel sorry for them and forgive."
    I forgave my mother and father. they don't know how to control their emotions. they only learned to release it, not distract. I not angry because they gave me food, shelter and education. I forgave my friends, may be i make them angry. let's try to respect religion, but not to believe. If I am not an Alcoholic right now, because i was a religious person and prohibited to use it.
    I was too much afraid to write this forum. I already shared a bad story of child porn, now a murder attempt. you guys going to hate me a lot. but I expose myself, because you guys should know how porn kills your humanity, inner peace, respect, love and care.
     
    SREENII likes this.
  18. SREENII

    SREENII Fapstronaut

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    @Azeez bro are u from kerala?
     
  19. SoundsGoodToMe

    SoundsGoodToMe Fapstronaut

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    What a load of horseshit.

    "my brain made me do it"
    "I couldn't help it"
    Blah blah blah....

    GROW UP!

    Life is about choices and all of us, at some stage, chose a life of porn. We now know what a poor choice that was and we're doing something about it.

    but all I get from your messages are selfishness and self pity.
    You chose to look at porn...and then chose to watch child porn!
    You think that's acceptable? You think that because you've tried to commit suicide and you're crying about it, that somehow that means you're forgiven and that everything's okay.... because it's not!

    you need to start taking responsibility for YOUR actions and YOUR choices.

    if you want help...find help.
    If you want to stay miserable and selfish.... do nothing.
     
  20. Azeez

    Azeez Fapstronaut

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    ok I clear myself. I didn't search child porn on google and watch rape scenes. what happened was a mistake. I was browsing through Xhamster for my favorite lesbian videos. actually i didn't like straight porn ,boring. but that day i decided to watch one of it. I found of video tag named "my neighbour gives me a blowjob". I saw a guy visiting his neighbour, she looks like a child about 12 or 13 giving blowjob. I still confused she is 18+ or not. because I don't think pornsites like xhamster will release child porn videos, It is illegal. site specifing she is a teen. may be she is a "short person", I don't know. but I watched it, that hurts me a lot. believe me or not that's the truth.

    "my brain...blah blah blah" stuffs, because I am practicing self-talk. I know I the one who is responsible for what I am now, but blaming myself never helped me. that makes it more worse and worse. Self-talk really helped me a lot.
    guess what happened yesterday by reading your comments I relapsed. I was so weak and tired after my work. I chose porn most those times, but I thought no when I reach home read some of nofap success stories and share my thoughts, learn javascript. when I open up my forum and read your comments, man that demotivated me a lot. I was like I am bad, so lets be like that. I couldn't control my thoughts, rise hate and anger inside. my head was burning. I want porn and some rubber bands. "NO rubber bands, today lets fap without it" and I did it. thanks for your motivation.

    you know, I already did found the real Help, the Fapstronauts. your stories inspired me a lot. I read Roady's inspiring stories and then i decided to write my own. I expect support and motivation from the fapstronauts, but what I get in return is Blame. that's why I afraid to expose myself.
    If you guy's didn't like any of my stories or if it is hurting, just leave the page and focus on your recovery. Demotivating some one doesn't help them, even if they are a murder. some where deep inside they are good. Inspire them, support them, give love, care, Hope, teach them about how awsome is to live this life. Instead keep blaming and blaming.

    I made my mind. now itself its not a Challenge for me, its a Revenge, Nofap Revenge. And I am good at "Revenge".
     

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