Update: ~1 month since d-day

Hi all,

Outwardly, things are looking up. But I have been struggling a lot in these last few weeks.

I've got a lot on my mind. He seems pretty confident that he has not PMO'd in over a month now, and I have no reason not to believe him. But I am so haunted by our very recent past that I struggle to believe anything at all. I believed things were okay, only to feel like a fool when I learned how bad things were. He is getting better at correcting himself when he fibs, or at least admitting it when I point it out. It does seem like he's being more vulnerable and transparent.

I've gotten a clearer picture of our relationship in this last month. It is clear to me that in this last year, I took the relationship very seriously while he still acted like he was in high school. Which makes sense, because I'm convinced that so much of this stems from his need to grow up (I've detailed that more in other posts). According to him, he thought he was mature and "on my level" when it came to relationships, but he was wrong. Did he cheat? Technically, no. But he did talk to women that made me uncomfortable, he did hide interactions from me, he did put a lot of focus, energy, and attention into other people that should be reserved for your partner. He found loopholes. He did not ask for numbers, he did not go out on dates, he did not share anything intimate with them. But he had a mindset that, "This relationship is going to fail like all the others, so I don't want to make myself too vulnerable. Better make sure I have females to talk to when this goes south". All the while he was totally naive to the fact that he was the one CAUSING the relationship to go south. He sees all of this now, and indeed he was the one to lay all that out for me. He said he's so upset with himself because he's realizing he barely even put effort into getting to know me on a deeper level. There's so much he doesn't know, so he's been asking questions and trying to learn. But knowing he did wrong and trying to change it now, does not erase the pain of what happened.

It royally pissed me off to learn about all that and I am still angry every day because of it. I kept my eyes, hands, words to myself. I was loyal and faithful. I dedicated myself to our relationship. All the while, he was immaturely dicking around. Not to mention PMOing and gawking at women IRL the whole time. So much fucking energy leaking out into the world around us, into cyberspace and other girls, that should have been for me. That he SAID over and over was just for me.

Meanwhile, he's improving and getting all the kudos for it. He's doing well, while I had to be dragged through the mud for him to even REALIZE that he had a problem. I'm so angry. He asked what more he could be doing for me, and I told him: If there is anything I'd like to see, it would be you getting down into this mud with me instead of waving from a safe distance and pretending to offer support. I know... I know he's earnestly been trying to understand and help me. But that's a far cry from being willing to get down into the muck with your partner and truly FACE the blood, the bruises, the broken bones from you dragging her along this whole time. I'm mad at myself for being that martyr and allowing myself to be dragged. Never again.

I'm learning to express my anger, something I have never done before. I'm learning to assertively express myself instead of being passive-aggressive. And I do believe he is learning, too. We are both working to correct old patterns, old assumptions. But this is a slow and frustrating process. I have been forcing myself to be "okay" for his sake so that our relationship isn't all doom and gloom. But that didn't work and led to outbursts. So now I'm just letting the feelings happen and being as open as I can. I don't like being angry all the time. I hate being resentful. I hope that passes soon.

I joined in on a session with his therapist a week ago and we learned some things. I can write more about that if anyone is interested.

Love you all.