I have not posted for a while, but I read through the posts and visited often. I wish to share a bit of an update on what is going on in my life at the moment. After the last big fight in January, when I caught my SO Moing again (I came back in the morning because I forgot my phone, I heard him and was so upset that I left without actually seeing what was he getting off on this time/ and by now I never found out since he is claiming he was thinking of me and not watching nothing) he promised he will never do it again (for the 6th time). So long story short, he is supposed to be 90 days PMO free. Now, some things have improved during this time, he is more focused on me generally, he cut the oogling greatly and I gave him credit for it, he manages to stay hard/ but still requires stimulation before sex. So it looks better than before, he does not get so mad when I ask him about it and he calmly says he did not do nothing. Lately though, I have the little voice in my head and that gut feeling that something is off. It could be that I was hurt so bad and was lied to and gaslighted way too many times to be able to be trusting, he is generally behaving well, we have a better closer relationship, but sex, sex is still very much detached, he is still very ritualistic, needs his perfect situation, perfect circumstances and is back to showing signs of old fetishes. I am confused, and cannot wrap my head around it. I don't know if he is just going through the phase where he has flashbacks and maybe cravings that he transfers on me, or he is back at it again. I am tired of being a masturbatory aid instead of having passionate and loving sex. When I try to address this, he gets upset and accuses me of wanting to make him uncomfortable to make myself comfortable, in other words I pass as selfish. I am getting more and more tired. I have a busy and stressful job, I take care of so many things, I work really hard every day. The last thing I want is someone who constantly deceives me. I am one step from giving up. Thank you all for your kindness and understanding. And thank you for listening.