(UPDATE)wanting to die

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by TB4, Jun 12, 2021.

  1. TB4

    TB4 Fapstronaut

    155
    88
    28
    Im 15 and I've been feeling this way since years
    The only reason im not dead yet is because my religion forbids it,and because of that im never gonna attempt suicide that i know for sure,but with each passing day the feeling gets worse,maybe its a result of my continuous relapses maybe not,felt this way on my highest streak and before I discovered nofap,i absolutely hate school and i just don't understand why we exist, religion says i used to be an angel and i sinned and now I'm here to atone,but tbh even that doesn't give any hope,i don't want to go to heaven i just want to stop existing,i assume i have severe depression but not as if my parents care,and my entire life until now? Absolute trash, didn't have any friends till 2ish years ago (yes i spent the first 13 years in solitude) been overweight and therefore haven't done any sports,im good at studies but my neurodivergence (adhd) gets in the way so much that the higher grade i go to the more my grades drop,but my parents don't care about my adhd either, I've talked to a friend about this but not as if that's gonna solve anything,i wanna be rich and travel the world,but if i could choose to stop existing I'd definitely do that without a doubt,i really don't see the point of living and everyday just feels like torture,yeah some stuff brings me joy but does that matter? Why was this world created anyway,why was heavan created, why does god exist,im repeating the same point but just wanna die but i know for a fact i'll never commit suicide, I've been kept alive by miracles multiple times, and im not exxagerating on that one bit and my mom says its because i have a special destiny but I don't even know if i want that, help



    update- i wrote the orignal post on june 12th, currently its july 5th,during the time i got myself a professional therapist (I've only had one visit till now) and i recently started reading 'the boy crisis' it's really answering a lot of my questions and im loving it,i still wanna stop existing but i think its not because ny life is hard,but because i have nothing to live for
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2021
    CAKCy likes this.
  2. zeke27

    zeke27 Fapstronaut

    214
    226
    43
    I feel this way sometimes too... Honestly, I don't see a turn around for me, everything keeps the same
     
  3. You might find help here, but I think you should see a counselor. Probably free at your school.

    If you can get past the “everything sucks” mentality you can start making changes. But you seem pretty committed to that.
     
  4. TB4

    TB4 Fapstronaut

    155
    88
    28
    Well no in my country there's no counselors even if you're willing to pay there's none,and my mentality is everything sucks and I've accepted that,but even if i made changes,even if i pushed myself and turned my life around (I've already done a lot in the past years) my feeling to die will still stay the same,my wish to die isn't tied to my circumstances, there's people in a worse condition than me who have tons of hope and people in absolute bliss who've already committed suicide,its not the conditions, but the thought of existing itself,i don't want to exist I don't wanna wake up, but because i don't have an option Im making the most out of my life, financial knowledge,planning my own businesses,working out,learning human nature and social skills and what not,to conclude its not my life that's the reason i wanna die
    even if my life turns around,if i become the richest man on earth,i have everything i could ever want,would my wish to die go away? I think not
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2021
  5. The white pill in my signature link helped me when I felt the way you do. If you are going to maintain your current mindset, could you do it with a space after each comma?
     
  6. Thank you for deciding to share with the rest of us your anguish.

    I'm 60 years old and I spent a good part of my life having the same thoughts you do. I'm still asking the same questions you do and for many of those I still haven't found the answer. But I did one thing different that you: I allowed myself to be kind to myself. I allowed myself to live and appreciate moments that were pleasant, or even happy. I know now, that there is no non-stop happiness. Life is full of ups and downs. But there are happy moments. And I long for them. I don't want to die and miss out on them. For, some of them, have given me enough energy, enough power to go through the next moment which could be a down.

    You are way too smart and your mind is extremely overactive trying to guess the last page of a book you just started reading. Nobody... NOBODY knows what that last page has for you. Please don't leave your book unread because of your anxiety to know the end. Please allow yourself to read and find something positive in every page of that book. The good pages will make you feel good. The bad pages will have a lesson to teach you that will make you stronger to face the next downer.

    Please keep posting here... Even if you think that what you think is of no importance. EVERYTHING we feel, good or bad, is important!
     
    silentmike likes this.
  7. Max666

    Max666 Fapstronaut

    168
    183
    43
    Yeah I remember 15. Was the worst year of my life, hated the school and everyone in it, hated my appearance (especially my complexion), skinny, shy, etc, etc, etc. And you may have noticed all your fellow students are the same, right? or they're bullies (which means they're miserable). It's not a good place to be BUT it's just temporary and to end your life or anything over something that'll pass is pointless.

    And traveling the world and being rich is not what people who do that live for, they live for the opportunity to be good at something and work doing what makes them feel good about themselves which..ultimately gives them wealth. So you need to do something that makes you feel good about yourself and you're too young to start so it makes sense to figure out what that is and then study that subject so you can.

    End of the day you shouldn't live for happiness but for the things that give you happiness.
     
  8. TB4

    TB4 Fapstronaut

    155
    88
    28
    Well to start of i hate the school but couldn't care less about the people in it,from what i know my fellow students are ofcourse filled with insecurity,self doubt,self-hate,feeling of worthlessness etc,which im used to and have somewhat already overcome (apart from self-doubt) and I'm naturally built tall and sturdy and was never bad at studies so didn't have to face bullying, though made of fun of for being overweight but i couldn't care less about that either, and from what I've seen atleast there's almost no bullies in my grade atleast,and I've already said this in my previous replies but my will to die isn't tied to my circumstances,i know they're only temporary, both the pain and the happiness,its feels like im a 60yo trapped in the life of a 15yo emo kid
    What really peaked my interest was the second paragraph,i don't like doing anything actually,but if i need to im ready to do everything,i have a knack for businesses and entrepreneurship and several businesses ideas,idk how i'll execute them and the different stuff that effects whether or not they take place,but there's no "work" that i like doing,all i even enjoy doing is stuff that cannot be monetized or not to a large scale anyway,somebody once said don't be a philosopher if you're broke and i really liked that quote,i wanna change much of the world but if im broke I can't do that,now ofcourse saints can do it without money but not intrested
    Now the final paragraph- i'd say I've still yet to learn the true meaning of it,but there's nothing that i actually want of this world,the best of the riches,the most seldom love, highest form of fame,all of that is desirable but if i could stop existing i wouldn't not want to die because of that,end of the day everything that im doing or planning to do is simply a second option,because I don't have the option to die, I've had this thought for as long as i can remember and that's atleast 5 years,so basically I've been suicidal since 10,im not living for happiness nor for the things that give me happiness, (which long-term are none) im simply living because im forced to,idk if all of that made sense but that's my thoughts, really need more people's opinion on them
     
  9. Bon-Bon XO

    Bon-Bon XO Fapstronaut

    230
    211
    43
    The only thing I can think to is share a personal story, back several months ago, I had a knife at my throat, and I almost did it. My girlfriend with me on the phone that night is the only reason that I am alive today!
    I have gone through severe suicidal thoughts, I have looked up at a cloudy sky, walking on back road alone, begging for help, I thought that I was gonna do it, I have almost drowned myself, jumped out in traffic, cut myself, and slit my own throat. I need to tell you, there is joy ahead of you, you have barely lived your life, that's coming from someone only 4 years older than you! If you don't know what the point of existing is, this is it: Living, loving, being loved, pleasure, experience, fulfillment, etc. I know this might not convince you, but there is always a reason to exist. Please find your reason, better yet, your will to live! I don't know you, all I know is your age, if you need someone to talk to, reply to me, you can start a private conversation with me on this site, you can text me, hell, if you need to, you can call me! I have hit rock bottom so many times, I've lost count! I have exes who have attempted suicide, who are still alive today, thank god!
    Please find your reason to live, you will get through this, and I am so proud of you for starting your NoFap journey, if you succeed, you may or may not find your reason to live. Please find it! I love you, even though I don't know you! Thanks for posting for us!
     
  10. Bon-Bon XO

    Bon-Bon XO Fapstronaut

    230
    211
    43
    Please listen to this song, you'll thank me later:

     
  11. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I am on an awesome streak and one thing is to get rid of religion if that's what you believe. It's not doing any good and religion are just stories in books that humans think are real I guess. I am 49 and people don't get me and I don't have many friends exept for my gf who is my #1 in the world. I would follow her before any religion because I know she will be there for me. If your parents are jerky and relgion is everything maybe you should be open minded and stop using religion as a following.
     
  12. Bon-Bon XO

    Bon-Bon XO Fapstronaut

    230
    211
    43
    Dude, I'm atheist too, do you listen to George Carlin?
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  13. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I love George Carlin. I am agnostic, he is really funny and I haven't looked at his stuff for awhile but will revisit, thanks for commenting. I have been watching who's line is it anyway lately, but not maybe the best show all the time depending where you are in your recovery.
     
  14. Bon-Bon XO

    Bon-Bon XO Fapstronaut

    230
    211
    43
    I LOVE who's line, they're so fucking funny, god! (pun intended, lol) I am 19, btw, you are younger than both my parents, lol.
     
  15. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    How's your recovery going man.
     
  16. Bon-Bon XO

    Bon-Bon XO Fapstronaut

    230
    211
    43
    me?
     
  17. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    yea
     
  18. Bon-Bon XO

    Bon-Bon XO Fapstronaut

    230
    211
    43
    I'm doing good, but the worst urges started recently, I wasn't getting any for like the first about 40 days. But, even though I've peeked at porn sites, haven't relapsed yet.
     
  19. TB4

    TB4 Fapstronaut

    155
    88
    28
    Im sure you have your reasons to not believe in god but i don't share your ideology
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  20. Bon-Bon XO

    Bon-Bon XO Fapstronaut

    230
    211
    43
    And that's fine.
     

Share This Page