Utterly lost, suicide thoughts

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by greenishmoon, May 22, 2021.

  1. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Thank you all who responded and the ones who contacted me in DM. I am doing way better. While I still deal with an umpleasant way of living, your responses helped me to overcome a really dark moment.

    I will continue with therapy, sports and, most importantly, meditation, which is the thing that gets me going lately.
    ArazzoDiGiada, MeTP and The Passenger like this.
  2. Having an overactive mind that never stops thinking is a curse. I know because I have it. The only way I have found for moments of peace is to keep my mind as busy as possible. Working, playing, solving hard puzzles, reading, watching movies, even doing math just for the sake of doing it. When the mind is idle it needs work to do. And usually that work is consuming because it keeps judging you and your actions.

    Ancient Greeks said: "Idleness is the mother of all evil."

    Give your mind work to do. It will help.
    Toni7 likes this.
  3. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    That's great advice once channeled. But beware the effects of training it for automation and restlessness.
    I am struggling with a short and explosive attention span (15 years of internet since young age, I fucked up my nervous system).
    My job is helping me with that a lot. However, I get it really difficult to just get it idle. It seems to have a life of its own and most of the time I DON'T want to follow its demands.
    Sports and heavy physical consuming activities like swimming helped me with that a LOT. I should go back to it if pools are open again.
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  4. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Bros some days it all goes downhill. I am scared of keeping fucking my life up forever. Theres so much going on in my head, imaginary dooms coming on and off and I know they are fake but I it also feels like that's what I am.
    I need a restart button, I want my life back.
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  5. The bad news is that there is no "Restart Button". I wish there was one. I would have pressed it a few times by now.
    The good news is that you have recognized that your dooms are imaginary and fake. It's anxiety and it can be controlled with medication. Whenever I find myself falling in a bottomless abyss I know it's time to slow my brain down. When I was younger I could do it by just forcing it to change direction. Now, I take a pill and after a few minutes I am over the crisis. The struggle is to keep the medication under control because it is addictive and it may become a problem by itself.
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  6. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    I have a really hard time recognizing it, I've lived like this for many years. I've been under medication but that didn't do the trick. When I feel a little calm it's like there's no issues at all, but memories and images come again and that seem to be "my life" as something unchangeable. I was about to take pills two months ago but I kind of reject them, I need a deep change of mind. That doesn't mean I won't think about it, though, I don't know if I can keep anything going like this.
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  7. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    The good thing is that memories are only memories - they are just sign of what have been. They are dead and repetitive like some movie clips or photos. Yet they pretend to be alive.
  8. I take it you are way younger than me and since

    keep doing it! Romans said "Mens sana in corpore sano" (Healthy mind in a healthy body). So... Exercise!!!
    MeTP and brassknucks like this.
  9. You need to change your environment. Get to know new places. Travel. Meet new people. Maybe your past experiences influenced you. You are full of depression, anxiety and stress. What's causing them? You must know it! You're having anger problems too. You seem to isolate yourself. Change that. Remove the fear and stop thinking about the past. You need to change the way to think to Re-shape your personality! You can leave anywhere at anytime. Nothing to fear! Grow up.
  10. Hello greenishmoon, I don't have any advice for you, but I am sorry that you are feeling suicidal. I'm suicidal too, so I know how it feels and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Not that I have any, only myself. One would think I have so much to be grateful for, but there is so much conflict inside. I think we contemplate suicide because it feels like a way out, but I don't think it really is. People like you and I need to try and figure out how to work with what we have. There is a good life out there for us, there has to be.
    greenishmoon likes this.
  11. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    You have to want it for yourself. I am 49 and have had the same girlfriend for 19 years and without her help I would still be fapping. She is my life. Get a girlfriend and try to trust. I have a lot of issues with trust myself, and yes, you will not find that much help from people but some people are really kind if you give it a chance. I have been working out and on medical marijuana since last June and it's incredible. I was addicted since the age of 16 and it takes a long time mentally to get through the clouds and come through to a clearer mind.
  12. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    There has to be, indeed. Get well, man.

    Hi man. Sorry, but to want what?.
    I am finally starting to chat more with girls and to approach more often and that's going somewhere, I think. I wasn't talking about it in my original post but when my one and only relationship ended I stayed with like a brand that never faded. I'm not sure about getting a new girlfriend (I might try but I definitely don't think I can feel "in love" or anything alike right now, I'm just like in a nebulose. I would just do it for the sex part, which I never tried to until now).
    I don't need everything to be perfect, I would just like to be at ease with people and to feel okay with my life as it is right now, like, to appreciate things as they are and nothing else. To stop thinking bad things.
    I've been taking marijuana CBD oil lately. I can't tell if it has done anything but I'll keep on it. Smoking clears my mind in a way nothing else does but it also makes me extremely unstable and I enter like crisis mode so I won't do it for a long time.

    Since I wrote that post a lot changed and I'm in a better position. I'm also very confused but I want to try more things and to get some contrast on life so I can know more and more what do I want and to learn how to get it and love it.
    Nugget9 likes this.
  13. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    When I say you want to want it, meaning your life is yours and you have control. Whatever you do you do to yourself. No one is forcing you to watch porn, or work out, or to use that CBD. It's all you. No god, no outside eternal force. It's you and that is what I am doing and it's great. One day at a time, I'm glad you are doing better.
    I have urges to, but my girlfriend is always willing to take the time to spend with me .
    Be open minded. People will pull you in from all different directions for your attention or to join them in their misery. I am changing that in my life to and it's great. I'm a good person that likes to help the right people. The people that are trying to help themselves without hurting other people.
    Have a great day man.
  14. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    I think I lived most of my life letting external stuff control my desicions. Or blaming external stuff for what I do, like I have no word on it.
    I don't know if there's a God, I don't know if there's good or bad. I just know that, well, that I don't know. So maybe I'll just try to make the ride enjoyable from now on?.

    Thanks, man. I am really, really tired and I don't want anymore problems but only just to do what's best.
    Nugget9 likes this.
  15. Happy Man

    Happy Man Fapstronaut

    Read your post, glad you are moving forward with your life and getting better :)

    These thought's enter my mind as well. It's quite tricky because as soon as you get better, you sometimes feel down again.

    This also has effected me most of my life. I tried a whole bunch of stuff, but 3 to 6 months later, I'm down again. I done self help but you have to re condition your mind again, it becomes annoying lol

    keep us updated and when ever you feel down again. Post again and try and break down the reasons for it, maybe it could help.
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  16. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    That's the way too go. Just do what is best for you without hurting anyone and laying your head on the pillow at night knowing it was a good day.
    Happy Man likes this.
  17. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Nugget9 and @Happy Man . This post was like dead for me already but It's uplifting to see your responses.
    I am, as I see it, not okay. My mind goes way too fast, thinks way too bad. I can't stand seeing it work (and meanwhile I work, too...).
    However at least I can survive it now. I am commiting to keep doing stuff and trying to think positively (because it's the only thing I suppose will work).
    But also, why to "think positively"?. I would like to just stop thinking altogether when not necessary. It's pointless. All of life just seems to be there with no reason. If I could stop "being" and started "observing" I'd be saved. I can't even feel anything, everything's way too heavy and I don't know what's to be made. I am so thankfull to God or whatever exists for having the ability to SIT DOWN for 20 minutes and hear to my breath.

    I'm not trying to be too pessimistic here, though. I still have my job and I'm still alive and trying to work things out and I'm happy about not raging and breaking stuff and treating my family poorly as I used to. Objectively I'm way better than in the last six years for sure. Talking in theraphy is good for me also, even when I think my therapist doesn't do what I want.

    (I am realizing something very scary. That I have been, for most of my life, just expecting everything to be how I want. And when it's not, I don't go with it but try to force it to be. GOD, I need to stop making up stories.)
    Thank you all for giving me the chance to write down this.

    ¿Have any of you felt like they got another person in their head?.
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2021
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  18. Happy Man

    Happy Man Fapstronaut

    yeah there is 2 things existing in you.

    the first one is the universe or dark space, sort of like the universe when you zoom out of planet earth, all you see is darkness and stars. When you empty the mind with out thought and be in the now, you will access it. This is when you feel peaceful and happy. This is not in your head but in your body.

    the second one is a voice in your head. Your not even aware you are talking to yourself. 95 percent of the time, when you talk to yourself, it becomes negative and you become hooked, these are called away moves or negative thought patterns. It doesn't start that way, when you talk to yourself 3 to 4 minutes later, it turns negative and your not even aware of it.

    (3) The Happiness Trap: Evolution of the Human Mind - YouTube
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  19. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Oh I am aware, but it took me all this last year to see how destructive it is.

    I don't know about the terms of it but I have experienced it for brief and very long moments. Suddenly or slowly, though, I come back to "negative self". At first that two self perception scared the shit out of me. Right now I am like inbetween both, and take parts of both. I haven't felt much for the last several years, though. I had TOO MUCH stress.

    I began dancing more and swimming this month. I really hope for the best with that two new things added. However, I know that relaxation is not the only thing I am looking for. There's something like this force your talk about. I need to be able to step out of myself and look at reality, otherwhise life is just ME and I'm trapped inside of IT. A character.

    I'll look up that link you shared.
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  20. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Man this began to hit me harder and harder. I don't know if it's my chronic anxiety receding and suddenly everything feels weird (or if we're talking about the same thing) but I'm kind of scared. I think this is where I got using pot but totally sober.
    My mind wants to stop working and I want to "be there" but it is like going naked into the world. I crave it but it feels SO dangerous. Both are fighting inside searching for a balance right now.

    Do you get it?. I get very nervous when I'm alone with all that in my mind, I began to realize that I never understood anything, it was all in my imagination. "I" doesn't exists, man.
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