Verbal victory lap of honor

I completed my second goal today, although my counter is on the blink, I wrote this in the morning so I just thought I'd post it here as well, I'm over the moon that I have come this far with this.

This was a reply to “wrongs” thread but was to lengthy to clutter up his page so I’ll post it here as my celebratory day of achieving my second goal, a verbal victory lap if you will.
I’m starting to feel that way as well, I had a weird day yesterday, I’m trying to get together a group of people with a mental illness to start another centre in the area. I won’t go into to it as it is a lengthy and tedious process but the services in this area are only good for people who are total basket cases and aren’t designed to help people who have a higher functioning personality. I have wanted to do this for a while but was afraid that I would run out of steam, so I started the ball rolling yesterday.

The PM thing may not be “the” problem but the symptom of other issues. Porn was always a good way for me to let me be depressed. The place would be a mess and I would have none of my art projects extracted out of my head so as an escape from my present reality I would wank off to porn then feel like shit afterwards and look around and reinforce that feeling because the dish’s weren’t done the factory was a mess and I’d only have a few half arse attempts at some drawings or plans.

The reason why I was worried yesterday is because I am concerned that I might be drifting into mania, which has been a problem for me in the past. So I started to get depressed about my inability to sustain stable moods, and how I always give in to depression and probably do things in my life to bring it on like PMO. But last night I was in my factory and it’s showing signs of order and productivity as I had finished a project that I was working on and I couldn’t find a reason for the depression that was starting to sweep over me, everything was clean and a project finished. And then it occurred that I’ve lost something, something’s gone from my life, I used the analogy in last nights post that it was like a had just split up with a girlfriend and she had left.

And I think that is what it is, there was this part of me, that batshit crazy girlfriend in my head who always had sex with me, she’s gone and I’m left alone. It’s an unsettling feeling not really having an excuse to be depressed, it’s unfamiliar territory and I haven’t got a road map and don’t want to get lost in the frantic excitement of mania and even that is not really what’s happening because I am not up swinging to mania because I’m eating and sleeping well. So my usual mood describers aren’t really the right words for what I’m going through. Maybe I’m not lost at all, I’m just lost for words to describe what I’m going through.

The reason why I was feeling alone last night was because I was alone and I have always connected the feeling of being alone with depression. I had spent the day talking with a lot of switched on people with varying diagnoses of mental illness’s, the beautiful wild flowers that spring up in the desert of normality. It wasn’t until I was waiting at a bus stop that I started to feel lonely and with that feeling depression burnt my fragile flower that had gently bloomed throughout the day.
If I had PMO last night I would have to deal with the reality of the chemicals in my brain and I would have had a physical reason for depression not the projected mental image of depression that I was developing. I didn’t, I wasn’t inclined to as it’s not an option of behavior for me at the moment.

Doing art projects and cleaning the factory aren’t things to keep my mind occupied or distracted enough not to PMO, it was a discipline that was lacking in my life. Doing house work and hobbies are the normal things in life that an addiction to porn can rob you of and with that you start to feel guilty because you know you should be doing these things. The guilt, shame and depression that can come about from excessive PMO are real but these may only be symptoms and trying cure symptoms and not looking at the causes may be futile. Is PMO a symptom or cause? Because once you take it away other things arise and stopping PMO is just the first step. Rather than keep the thing alive by fighting it, I let her leave of her own accord, she left last night in a slow erotic dance out the door of my present life, never to return and drift into a fading memory of an insatiable crazy bitch dancing wildly before my eyes.

I know this is a lengthy post but this is my victory verbiage lap. Here’s my take on the jigsaw table that I painted. In some way we have connected our penis to our eyes with excessive masturbation to porn, the neuron pathways are burnt in. If the discoveries about neuroplasticity are true then it would seem like a good idea that you assign different tasks to your eyes as well as giving up porn. The table that I did could be seen that I was fantasizing about how something would look and then painted it so I could see it, all the while stimulating my eyes, where as before I would imagine the naked crazy women then use my eyes to masturbate. So, painting, drawing or what ever is not just a diversion therapy it may just be a way restore the eyes. You know that old adage “Masturbation will turn you blind” well it does, it blinds you to the real beauty of women and will keep their essence forever hidden like a wild bloom in the forest.