very first time here *journal*

T

The Shift

Fapstronaut
Ok so Hi Im a 35M married for coming up on 10 years with two kids. Ive Been with my wife for 12 years. For the first time in our relationship I admitted to her that I think I have an issue with porn. I can do ok for a while but then I go back to old habits. I hide it. It feels impulsive and almost like if I dont give in to the impulse I have anxiety like I'm doing something wrong.

I told her on Sunday and she was supportive but definitely hurt. I hurt her self image. I hurt her trust in me because of the secrecy. Most painfully I hurt her view of me as a husband and Father. She is an incredible woman and Im so lucky to have her in my life and I want to become a more complete husband that she deserves and a more present father that my kids deserve.

I Was introduced to porn when I was 8 and would say Ive had an issue with it since at least 14. In my most recent years my usage is not as often but the impulsivity of it is still definitely there as well as the tendency to binge. I also want to work on being flirty at work and barring myself from being inappropriate. I have not cheated on my wife but I let comments slide I really shouldnt like if someone compliments me or even as far as one woman calling me sexy all the time or some hugs that linger too long. Im a flirty person by nature and Im positive Ive said things that I shouldnt have my impulsive nature needs to end and my flirting and sexual nature needs to be aimed only at my Wife. The affirmation is most definitely my crutch and what I'm craving and I lean into it way to much and let conversations go to far almost always in the same time periods that I'm feeling insecure and thats when my urges to look at P are at the highest points. Those are the days I go back to the bad habits.

Im super concerned that if I cant break this cycle what else will I not be able to say no to?

I dont really know what to do next as this is my first go around with quitting. I have a program through my church called pure desires and Ive downloaded an action plan and what my goals are and some meditation/ bible study guides. If your not religious thats ok I welcome any advice anyway.

Thanks for your time
 
Hi and welcome. I think it's great you decided of your own volition to come clean with this and have taken responsibility for hurt caused. I think being open about your behaviour helps to hold yourself accountable.

Have you tried to quit in the past and, if so, how did that go for you?
 
Welcome - you are in one of the right places to help you start your journey of fighting this addiction. Focus on those long-term effects - you don’t want to lose the awesome things you have in your life right now.
 
Real Jerry Seinfeld said:
Hi and welcome. I think it's great you decided of your own volition to come clean with this and have taken responsibility for hurt caused. I think being open about your behaviour helps to hold yourself accountable.

Have you tried to quit in the past and, if so, how did that go for you?
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Hi thank you,

yes I have tried before. I can usually go for a month or two of my own willpower and then I usually hit a point where I just relapse without thinking how far I had come it’s really surprising to me how instant that happens. Then shame sets in and there’s a binge and then I get sick of myself and tell myself never again rinse and repeat.

I’m really hoping by finally putting myself in accountability I can fight this head on like I did with my drinking in college.
 
Day 6

it’s been a little closer to 3 weeks since I’ve looked at P or even M but I told my wife on Sunday so that feels like a better jump off point. That being said I know that timeline is gonna line up with some urges at some point soon. So I’m doubling down on holding my accountability firm.

I’ll be honest it’s been a mixed bag of feelings for me. I’ll have pretty high points and pretty low points since telling my wife. She expressed her concerns including that I haven’t been honest with her and she has zero clue what I even looked at or if I was a danger to our kids… that shit hurt because it felt like she immediately thought of the WORST possible thing I could ever ever ever do and Thank God I have never had that sick of a desire but that made me think she thought so low of me which basically put me in a shame cycle and it was a really low point and it broke me. After I took a day or two to stop making it about me, her response was a response of a mother to a guy who’s been lying to her for 12 years. She’s an amazing mom and I’m so glad to be a parent with her as the mother of my kids because damn what a fierce protector of our kids. She asked a hard question for our kids safety but she was still so supportive of me to get me back on track. She has no idea but she inspired me so much with her courage.
I’m gonna win this fight. If she’s that fierce of a Mama I have to match that energy to our marriage and as a Father. That’s how I feel now. Burn this with fire and replace that time and energy I used on p with effort towards my family. Rebuild my marriage and be brutally honest to rebuild my wife’s trust. Be an absolute terror of a protector of all my family. Be present be better. I know I’m gonna hit another low but I’m gonna ride this high and let it carry me and set up some failsafes to prevent a relapse.

I have my best friend that I’m trying to work up the nerve to tell what’s going on and ask him if he would be ok holding me accountable. I know it needs to happen as I have no right to use my wife for accountability if I have urges because I don’t want to bury her or hurt her any further, I’m just really anxious about it. Just need to rip the bandaid off. Today’s that day.

Thanks for putting up with this novel. I’ll try to not make them so long just had a lot of emotions the last few days.
 
I'm glad to see you're incredibly motivated, I think that bodes well. The implication she made is quite extreme so I'd be very forthright in rejecting such suggestions if I were you. I'm sure you were, but you can't let people build up false narratives in their heads or elsewhere about that kind of thing, that wouldn't be good. And I think confiding in someone you trust is a good idea also, accountabilty is a big thing and why many of us post here.
 
Real Jerry Seinfeld said:
I'm glad to see you're incredibly motivated, I think that bodes well. The implication she made is quite extreme so I'd be very forthright in rejecting such suggestions if I were you. I'm sure you were, but you can't let people build up false narratives in their heads or elsewhere about that kind of thing, that wouldn't be good. And I think confiding in someone you trust is a good idea also, accountabilty is a big thing and why many of us post here.
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I shut it down instantly. That’s something that was never even on my radar because it is so vile to me I was caught off guard. I would never hurt my kids and would destroy anyone that would ever even look at my children that way. That’s not a game to me and it’s not ok. My point in bringing it up is that it’s how much I broke her trust in me with the lies. She had to make sure our kids were safe and I’ll never stop loving her for that. It did make me feel like a scumbag and we had to talk through that one at length.
 
I don't know what exactly your wife told you. Maybe she really meant it just the way you are talking about.
But the way it was written...if you are a danger for children, if you could hurt them... The first thing that came to my mind were a lot of ways a porn addict could hurt his children indirectly.
First of all, they could accidentally see you watching porn, they could find videos in your history,, and so on... A lot of porn addicts here are the ones who acidentally saw something in their childhood, sometimes because of their fathers porn use.
Another indirect way of hurting ones children is being nervous, impatient and angry because of the porn use. My husband was like that, he used to yell at our children all the time with no reason.
Maybe your wife also meant things like this. Maybe not. However, these are also things to consider when having urges. Your porn use hurts the ones you love, it might hurt your wife, it might terribly hurt your children, even if you don't intend to.
 
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Starling said:
I don't know what exactly your wife told you. Maybe she really meant it just the way you are talking about.
But the way it was written...if you are a danger for children, if you could hurt them... The first thing that came to my mind were a lot of ways a porn addict could hurt his children indirectly.
First of all, they could accidentally see you watching porn, they could find videos in your history,, and so on... A loy of porn addicts here are the ones who acidentally saw something in their childhood, sometimes because of their fathers porn use.
Another indirect way of hurting ones children is being nervous, impatient and angry because of the porn use. My husband was like that, he used to yell at our children all the time with no reason.
Maybe your wife also meant things like this. Maybe not. However, these are also things to consider when having urges. Your porn use hurts the ones you love, it might hurt your wife, it might terribly hurt your children, even if you don't intend to.
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You’re absolutely correct. She also mentioned these possibilities. I’m wrong for not including those points of concern as they do add important context. Seeing as I was exposed to pornography at the age of 8 she was also very concerned about me accidentally exposing it to our children. I got so wrapped up in how hard that one aspect of our conversation hit me that I didn’t include the other concerns she had (there were many) and that’s not a fair representation of the conversation at all. Thank you for pointing that out
 
The Shift said:
I shut it down instantly. That’s something that was never even on my radar because it is so vile to me I was caught off guard. I would never hurt my kids and would destroy anyone that would ever even look at my children that way. That’s not a game to me and it’s not ok. My point in bringing it up is that it’s how much I broke her trust in me with the lies. She had to make sure our kids were safe and I’ll never stop loving her for that. It did make me feel like a scumbag and we had to talk through that one at length.
Click to expand...
First, hats off to you for your days of success so far and also in your honesty with yourself, the forum and your wife. Your original post was reassuring for me to read, because it reminds me a lot of my situation with my husband, minus the kids. Get all the support you can afford. I apologize if someone else has already mentioned a CSAT counselor, but that's a huge one. My husband has recently realized that a ton of his secrecy and shame has centered around his chaotic religious upbringing being mixed with active, diagnosed sex addicts living in his household and abusing everyone in it. Your church could be a great resource, or it could double down on things that don't help you move forward. It might help to find at least one other support network that isn't tied to your religion, just in case.

Second, I think it's important to keep something in mind, as part of your "why" to heal from this addiction if you want to protect your family and be deserving of your wife's trust while she tries to protect your children. The nature of addiction is to always escalate. Always. And it will escalate in a way that you won't see coming, and in a way that will feel normal when it happens. It won't feel vile, or disgusting, or wrong. It will just be the next new high, because addiction will be in the driver's seat. That's the way it works. Your wife was being pragmatic in asking, even if it was deeply upsetting to hear, for you and anyone else who thinks they have lines they would never cross.
 
The Shift said:
Ok so Hi Im a 35M married for coming up on 10 years with two kids. Ive Been with my wife for 12 years. For the first time in our relationship I admitted to her that I think I have an issue with porn. I can do ok for a while but then I go back to old habits. I hide it. It feels impulsive and almost like if I dont give in to the impulse I have anxiety like I'm doing something wrong.

I told her on Sunday and she was supportive but definitely hurt. I hurt her self image. I hurt her trust in me because of the secrecy. Most painfully I hurt her view of me as a husband and Father. She is an incredible woman and Im so lucky to have her in my life and I want to become a more complete husband that she deserves and a more present father that my kids deserve.

I Was introduced to porn when I was 8 and would say Ive had an issue with it since at least 14. In my most recent years my usage is not as often but the impulsivity of it is still definitely there as well as the tendency to binge. I also want to work on being flirty at work and barring myself from being inappropriate. I have not cheated on my wife but I let comments slide I really shouldnt like if someone compliments me or even as far as one woman calling me sexy all the time or some hugs that linger too long. Im a flirty person by nature and Im positive Ive said things that I shouldnt have my impulsive nature needs to end and my flirting and sexual nature needs to be aimed only at my Wife. The affirmation is most definitely my crutch and what I'm craving and I lean into it way to much and let conversations go to far almost always in the same time periods that I'm feeling insecure and thats when my urges to look at P are at the highest points. Those are the days I go back to the bad habits.

Im super concerned that if I cant break this cycle what else will I not be able to say no to?

I dont really know what to do next as this is my first go around with quitting. I have a program through my church called pure desires and Ive downloaded an action plan and what my goals are and some meditation/ bible study guides. If your not religious thats ok I welcome any advice anyway.

Thanks for your time
Click to expand...
The Shift said:
I told her on Sunday and she was supportive but definitely hurt. I hurt her self image. I hurt her trust in me because of the secrecy. Most painfully I hurt her view of me as a husband and Father. She is an incredible woman and Im so lucky to have her in my life and I want to become a more complete husband that she deserves and a more present father that my kids deserve.
Click to expand...

What's the point of telling your spouse? The outcome can only be that you hurt them and now they don't trust you. My feelings is fix this problem with at least a year away from the addiction, then if you want to hurt your spouse you can confess your porn issues, but why would you do that? I think confessing is about sharing your guilt and it's to make you feel better, but it doesn't benefit your spouse at all.

I'm not trying to be harsh or judgmental, but I think many people confess way too early and it doesn't accomplish much except hurting your partner.
 
nomo said:
What's the point of telling your spouse? The outcome can only be that you hurt them and now they don't trust you. My feelings is fix this problem with at least a year away from the addiction, then if you want to hurt your spouse you can confess your porn issues, but why would you do that? I think confessing is about sharing your guilt and it's to make you feel better, but it doesn't benefit your spouse at all.

I'm not trying to be harsh or judgmental, but I think many people confess way too early and it doesn't accomplish much except hurting your partner.
Click to expand...

Because lying and hiding it was only perpetuating the cycle and adding to the issue. If I want to fix this she’s my best friend and I stand a much better chance with her in my corner rather than me stressing about hiding things from her and quitting.

You can’t fight the Devil in the dark and expect to win.
 
makingsense said:
First, hats off to you for your days of success so far and also in your honesty with yourself, the forum and your wife. Your original post was reassuring for me to read, because it reminds me a lot of my situation with my husband, minus the kids. Get all the support you can afford. I apologize if someone else has already mentioned a CSAT counselor, but that's a huge one. My husband has recently realized that a ton of his secrecy and shame has centered around his chaotic religious upbringing being mixed with active, diagnosed sex addicts living in his household and abusing everyone in it. Your church could be a great resource, or it could double down on things that don't help you move forward. It might help to find at least one other support network that isn't tied to your religion, just in case.

Second, I think it's important to keep something in mind, as part of your "why" to heal from this addiction if you want to protect your family and be deserving of your wife's trust while she tries to protect your children. The nature of addiction is to always escalate. Always. And it will escalate in a way that you won't see coming, and in a way that will feel normal when it happens. It won't feel vile, or disgusting, or wrong. It will just be the next new high, because addiction will be in the driver's seat. That's the way it works. Your wife was being pragmatic in asking, even if it was deeply upsetting to hear, for you and anyone else who thinks they have lines they would never cross.
Click to expand...

thank you for the kind words and advice. My wife’s protection of our kids is one of my favorite things about her and I will always love her for that.

Growing up in a southern Baptist community I know what you mean about the guilt etc.

we have found a much more healthy church community who has put me in touch with multiple resources including this website and counseling outside the church on their dime should I ask for it. They got me through some PTSD struggles with my former career as a firefighter it’s an amazing resource
 
nomo said:
What's the point of telling your spouse? The outcome can only be that you hurt them and now they don't trust you. My feelings is fix this problem with at least a year away from the addiction, then if you want to hurt your spouse you can confess your porn issues, but why would you do that? I think confessing is about sharing your guilt and it's to make you feel better, but it doesn't benefit your spouse at all.

I'm not trying to be harsh or judgmental, but I think many people confess way too early and it doesn't accomplish much except hurting your partner.
Click to expand...
Concealing from someone that you are betraying them is a fundamentally selfish act. You're not saving them from hurt, you're saving yourself from their reaction. Using deceit to manipulate someone into loving or trusting you on a false pretense is not going to improve their opinion of you after you reveal your former habit. It won't do any favours for your own self-image either if you have to hide what you're really like to convince someone to love or trust you. It's bad all round. Little boys lie, men are honest.
 
The Shift said:
Day 6

it’s been a little closer to 3 weeks since I’ve looked at P or even M but I told my wife on Sunday so that feels like a better jump off point. That being said I know that timeline is gonna line up with some urges at some point soon. So I’m doubling down on holding my accountability firm.

I’ll be honest it’s been a mixed bag of feelings for me. I’ll have pretty high points and pretty low points since telling my wife. She expressed her concerns including that I haven’t been honest with her and she has zero clue what I even looked at or if I was a danger to our kids… that shit hurt because it felt like she immediately thought of the WORST possible thing I could ever ever ever do and Thank God I have never had that sick of a desire but that made me think she thought so low of me which basically put me in a shame cycle and it was a really low point and it broke me. After I took a day or two to stop making it about me, her response was a response of a mother to a guy who’s been lying to her for 12 years. She’s an amazing mom and I’m so glad to be a parent with her as the mother of my kids because damn what a fierce protector of our kids. She asked a hard question for our kids safety but she was still so supportive of me to get me back on track. She has no idea but she inspired me so much with her courage.
I’m gonna win this fight. If she’s that fierce of a Mama I have to match that energy to our marriage and as a Father. That’s how I feel now. Burn this with fire and replace that time and energy I used on p with effort towards my family. Rebuild my marriage and be brutally honest to rebuild my wife’s trust. Be an absolute terror of a protector of all my family. Be present be better. I know I’m gonna hit another low but I’m gonna ride this high and let it carry me and set up some failsafes to prevent a relapse.

I have my best friend that I’m trying to work up the nerve to tell what’s going on and ask him if he would be ok holding me accountable. I know it needs to happen as I have no right to use my wife for accountability if I have urges because I don’t want to bury her or hurt her any further, I’m just really anxious about it. Just need to rip the bandaid off. Today’s that day.

Thanks for putting up with this novel. I’ll try to not make them so long just had a lot of emotions the last few days.
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Those days at the start were the worst for both my wife and I emotionally. But we needed to have them because it proved to us both how strong we are together. My wife is my rock and she sees something in me that I don’t see in myself half the time. It sounds like your wife hopefully does the same for you. Take strength in that. This is your wake up call to change your life and your marriage for the better.
 
Day 7

I’ve been in a constant state of discomfort emotionally and mentally the last few days. My mind is buzzing I overthink everything and I feel exposed and just not really comfortable in my skin.

I’ve been really trying to connect to my wife emotionally and my mind is literally fighting my efforts. I know I’m just overthinking and struggling to be present for her but not be annoying too.

Last night she had herself a girls night and me and the kids hung out and watched baseball (go RedSox) and we played in the back yard and ate dinner outside when my wife got home we had a genuinely good conversation about almost nothing. But we poked at each other joked around and laughed and it was the best. 10/10 evening I wish they were all that smooth very thankful for it.

At work I’m really working on not reaching out for attention in negative ways. It’s actually been really nice. Usually I’ll make dumb jokes or be that guy who’s always loud center of attention kind of person. I do it to get attention and I don’t know why. Not putting on the *show* the last few days genuinely feels really freeing. Not making any flirty jokes or any of that other self affirming behavior is really making this easier definitely gotta be the new norm I love it.

grateful for an outlet like this to just process thoughts. In the mornings I’m sitting in quiet doing some Bible studies and just being present in the moment to filter my thoughts. The last two days are then when I post here after all that and it’s all been a nice outlet I didn’t know I needed. So thank you all for that!
 
The Shift said:
Because lying and hiding it was only perpetuating the cycle and adding to the issue. If I want to fix this she’s my best friend and I stand a much better chance with her in my corner rather than me stressing about hiding things from her and quitting.

You can’t fight the Devil in the dark and expect to win.
Click to expand...
100% accurate . Addiction thrives in secrecy. And if you have an ounce of love and respect for your intimate partner you give them the right to know what is happening in the relationship
 
The Shift said:
I have my best friend that I’m trying to work up the nerve to tell what’s going on and ask him if he would be ok holding me accountable
Click to expand...

Don't wait on this, the sooner the better. The opposite of addiction is connection. I know it's scary but it's essential, surround yourself with a support system, therapist, clergy, small group, etc.

I highly suggest carrying a journal to document your addictive cycles. This takes time to identify, as often is such an involuntary response we don't even realize it. Keeping tabs on those cycles is the best way to start combating them and building new ways of dealing with them.
 
The Shift said:
Day 7

I’ve been in a constant state of discomfort emotionally and mentally the last few days. My mind is buzzing I overthink everything and I feel exposed and just not really comfortable in my skin.

I’ve been really trying to connect to my wife emotionally and my mind is literally fighting my efforts. I know I’m just overthinking and struggling to be present for her but not be annoying too.

Last night she had herself a girls night and me and the kids hung out and watched baseball (go RedSox) and we played in the back yard and ate dinner outside when my wife got home we had a genuinely good conversation about almost nothing. But we poked at each other joked around and laughed and it was the best. 10/10 evening I wish they were all that smooth very thankful for it.

At work I’m really working on not reaching out for attention in negative ways. It’s actually been really nice. Usually I’ll make dumb jokes or be that guy who’s always loud center of attention kind of person. I do it to get attention and I don’t know why. Not putting on the *show* the last few days genuinely feels really freeing. Not making any flirty jokes or any of that other self affirming behavior is really making this easier definitely gotta be the new norm I love it.

grateful for an outlet like this to just process thoughts. In the mornings I’m sitting in quiet doing some Bible studies and just being present in the moment to filter my thoughts. The last two days are then when I post here after all that and it’s all been a nice outlet I didn’t know I needed. So thank you all for that!
Click to expand...

This sounds so much like myself - I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Glad to hear you had a good evening. Hang on to those moments of positivity because they are what you are working for all the time, and it won’t always be like this so you need to hang on to these positive moments in your memory banks.
 
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