Also just a note to add. I’m fully aware that this doesn’t equal that’s it you’re healed all done now. It’s just something I noticed and it made me happy to see that progress that fast! 40 days in is a blink of the eye. Definitely worth continuing and expanding on it and I feel quite rejuvenated with my commitment to stay focused and off PM
very first time here *journal*
- Thread starter The Shift
- Start date
Wilderness Wanderer
Fapstronaut
Could you explain what you mean by the bold words?
that my Earthly desires are entirely secondary to listening and following Gods Will. Or at least they should be. I’m working on it. I’m definitely far from getting this perfect. lol
as a man my desires to be noticed and respected and liked by everyone is not as important as Gods Will or what he wants me to do.
as a Husband. I have to follow the Lord first. If that means I have to cut off friendships or quit a job or anything that would impact my marriage one way or the other I need to seek God first and listen. For example if I’m offered a Job with a great Salary but it doesn’t align with Gods will I need to say no. The money would be great for our family sure and obviously it would be MY desire but I have to trust Gods plan and listen.
as a Father I need to make sure I’m not pushing my will or my desires onto my kids. I can’t decide the person they’re meant to be for them by say making them go to college or play a sport I like because “I’m your father and I know best” I have to raise them in God and trust that he will take care of them regardless of their decisions.
Basically I have to really push to turn to God first and foremost and then actually listen to his will or plan and not mine.
Day 49,
Working on getting back to reality after vacation. It was a good time but I missed my little ones so I’m happy to be home.
The second position I applied for has now run its course and I wasn’t chosen. This process has revealed a few things for me. Areas or skills I’ve avoided exploring for a while that I actually have a bit of a passion about. For instance I started a new degree a few years ago. Life happened and I lost my motivation for pursuing it and dropped it. I told myself it wasn’t worth the effort but I was mistaken. That degree would have helped me get this job. And I’m actually very inclined to it. Just my own mental resistance and self doubt in my way. I am also pretty passionate against this damn evil of human trafficking/online exploitation and there’s apparently there’s lots of ways that the degree (spoiler is computer information systems) could get me into that fight. While I’m disappointed that I didn’t get this job it has very much so given me great personal insight.
My wife has completely weened off her SSRI and is actually thriving thus far. She is such a strong person and I am so proud of her. She’s really diving in to her overall health and it’s such an inspiration to watch her go! Very proud Husband over here
hope you all have a restful day before the work week begins tomorrow!
be Blessed!
Working on getting back to reality after vacation. It was a good time but I missed my little ones so I’m happy to be home.
The second position I applied for has now run its course and I wasn’t chosen. This process has revealed a few things for me. Areas or skills I’ve avoided exploring for a while that I actually have a bit of a passion about. For instance I started a new degree a few years ago. Life happened and I lost my motivation for pursuing it and dropped it. I told myself it wasn’t worth the effort but I was mistaken. That degree would have helped me get this job. And I’m actually very inclined to it. Just my own mental resistance and self doubt in my way. I am also pretty passionate against this damn evil of human trafficking/online exploitation and there’s apparently there’s lots of ways that the degree (spoiler is computer information systems) could get me into that fight. While I’m disappointed that I didn’t get this job it has very much so given me great personal insight.
My wife has completely weened off her SSRI and is actually thriving thus far. She is such a strong person and I am so proud of her. She’s really diving in to her overall health and it’s such an inspiration to watch her go! Very proud Husband over here
hope you all have a restful day before the work week begins tomorrow!
be Blessed!
Day 51,
noticed a lot of temptation yesterday. Not P but my goals include more than P. I noticed it and had to write it down. Thankfully I’m still comfortably clean and didn’t give in.
I have a friend who I’ve known for a long time who is a woman. She was venting about her marriage (texts) and I immediately got nervous when she started talking about their lack of sex etc and his cheating. That’s seems like a pretty dangerous situation to me. It’s a spot where I immediately started seeing some really bad signs and things I wouldn’t want my wife to see me engaging in. Talking about how she planned on dressing provocatively at a wedding the thought immediately crossed my mind “ask her to show you the dress”.
WHAT. THE. HELL. Whyyyyyy did that cross my mind. Not a great feeling but I luckily passed on that notion so I will take that as a win. I told her to know her worth in regard to her marriage and self image and then I bailed out of the conversation.
Do you know that feeling when you’re tempted and your heart rate spikes? It was intense it was like I felt my heart turn on like an engine in my ears. I hated it. Just from that stupid thought.
I’m super proud I didn’t fold and I did not engage her on that but it definitely made me feel like a terrible person that it crossed my mind. She was vulnerable and that’s not cool.
that’s going to have to be a hard line and if it ever comes up again I think I’m going to have to end that friendship. I don’t want to but that isn’t going to end well and I have to put my wife first.
for the record my wife does see these post and I have discussed this with her. If she kills me know it was justified lol (edit to add: she asked if it was tempting I told her yes. She didn’t kill me lol she’s a wonderful woman and I don’t deserve her)
Be Blessed guys and gals stay strong!
noticed a lot of temptation yesterday. Not P but my goals include more than P. I noticed it and had to write it down. Thankfully I’m still comfortably clean and didn’t give in.
I have a friend who I’ve known for a long time who is a woman. She was venting about her marriage (texts) and I immediately got nervous when she started talking about their lack of sex etc and his cheating. That’s seems like a pretty dangerous situation to me. It’s a spot where I immediately started seeing some really bad signs and things I wouldn’t want my wife to see me engaging in. Talking about how she planned on dressing provocatively at a wedding the thought immediately crossed my mind “ask her to show you the dress”.
WHAT. THE. HELL. Whyyyyyy did that cross my mind. Not a great feeling but I luckily passed on that notion so I will take that as a win. I told her to know her worth in regard to her marriage and self image and then I bailed out of the conversation.
Do you know that feeling when you’re tempted and your heart rate spikes? It was intense it was like I felt my heart turn on like an engine in my ears. I hated it. Just from that stupid thought.
I’m super proud I didn’t fold and I did not engage her on that but it definitely made me feel like a terrible person that it crossed my mind. She was vulnerable and that’s not cool.
that’s going to have to be a hard line and if it ever comes up again I think I’m going to have to end that friendship. I don’t want to but that isn’t going to end well and I have to put my wife first.
for the record my wife does see these post and I have discussed this with her. If she kills me know it was justified lol (edit to add: she asked if it was tempting I told her yes. She didn’t kill me lol she’s a wonderful woman and I don’t deserve her)
Be Blessed guys and gals stay strong!
Warfman
Fapstronaut
This is totally your call, I'm not saying what to do here, from the sound of it the temptation around it was definitely something worth ending the friendship over. But, I want to express an experience here for you to consider I'm not suggesting your wife feels as mine, or struggles with jealousy, or treats you like this, just expressing what ending friendships has done in my life.
My wife is very jealous, and downright controlling over who I communicate with, I try to comply with her wishes, and agreed with her, when she said it was inappropriate for us to be dating, and for my ex and I to have a text conversation without her knowing. Now to be fair this happened after only 2 months of "hanging out" with my now wife, and it wasn't for another year that my wife would even acknowledge that we were together. But, I digress, her point was, that if I was dating her, I shouldn't be communicating with an ex, after considering it for a few days I agreed. Cut things off completely with that ex, to focus on my new relationship, this eventually turned into an expectation that it was unacceptable for me to have any friends of the opposite sex, I would comply again and again ending friendships. Years later when we were very much officially dating, I discovered that my wife was not following the same rules herself that she had expressed to me. I had her phone in my suit pocket at her sisters wedding, she gave it to me, and her ex started texting her asking how her speech went, etc. I discovered this that night, and have very little understanding to this day of exactly how much communication was had, as all prior communication was deleted.
Without boring you with the rest of that story, my main point is, ending friendships should be done with careful consideration, I lost contact with very close friends whom I never had physical attraction to. I did so because I truly believed that it was better to put that in my relationship, and focus on it, than to have a plutonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I have entire groups of friends, actually (male and female) that I no longer communicate with largely due to this.
This whole experience damaged my marriage very much, and damaged some pretty close friendships of mine too, I have a hard time letting the resentment go from what my wife did, how she hid her conversations with her ex from me. How she still to this day, even though quite harmless, will still communicate with other men via social media. Yet, demanded I disclose any interaction with a female to her immediately, and still would if I communicated with any!
You have a good handle of your specific situation, and I do think at the very least removing yourself from one on one interactions would be a very good idea.
Make sure both you and your wife agree on this, talk about it, see what she thinks, decide what course of action makes her feel safe, and what she feels is acceptable, and also talk about how you feel.
No matter what you decide to do, continue being honest with your wife.
Best wishes.
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Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
As a wife, and not someone who is a jealous type, it would be completely unacceptable to me if my husband kept in contact with an old girlfriend. It would be unacceptable if he had inappropriate conversations with a woman who was just a friend. That being said, it’s should be a boundary you both live by. What your wife is doing is completely wrong. Abusers isolate their victim. Male of female. Everyone needs friends. It doesn’t sound like his wife is the problem. It sounds like he is and his friend is definitely not someone he should be talking to. Thats how affairs start. Bitching about your spouse to someone of the opposite sex. Commiserating. The fact that his mind was going places it shouldn’t should be his wake up call.
Why does your wife think it’s ok to message men without telling you? Are you 100% sure she doesn’t cheat on you? It’s definitely not right. I’m sorry you have to navigate an impossible standard that she doesn’t hold herself to.
Warfman
Fapstronaut
I 100 percent agree with you.
As far as the rest I don't want to project my issues here. Just wanted to add some context. I never talked to my wife about this stuff. My ex reached out to me. It was about 4 messages and I ended it quickly. I wasn't really interested in communicating anyway. I decided exactly like you said, that I didn't need to be communicating with her, and that if I felt I did, I didn't need to be in a new relationship. At the time I felt like I knew the direction I was going to go. I never told her how much it bothered me that she started controlling me in that way, I don't know that she would have listened. But I didn't express how I actually felt. I just took it, and wanted to get along. I didn't realize the damage I was doing just to my own self by not expressing how ridiculous some of it got.
The point I'm trying to convey is talk about this stuff as a couple. I didn't, I probably couldn't.. I don't think I even told my future wife that I cut contact until a fight about it later. I don't really remember. I just know this stuff divides a couple. Talk about it, be honest, and love each other.
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Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Oh ok. I was thinking you were telling him go for it! Don’t give up friends and you regretted giving up your ex friendship! lol. My husband has several women friends and I have zero anxiety or fear etc. but, I would not be ok with an ex talking to him. Course he only had one ex. But still…. I would never talk to someone I dated. And especially wouldn’t hide it if one messaged me
Warfman
Fapstronaut
No I'm saying, to carefully think about how and what is decided.
I regret some of the friendships I lost that were purely platonic. And I regret not having more conversations and agreement on how I also expected to be treated.
I suggested at the minimum that never being alone with her ever again would be a minimum. There's no need to put ones self in that position. I'm really not trying to suggest what to do at all. That's for them to decide.
The other main point is to communicate. Not only so that you his wife has a chance to express things. But also so that he can too. A controlling spouse can be very abusive around this kind of control. It's just important that everyone keep everything in the light, open honest communication, is what it takes I think.
The alternative leads to the resentment I was articulating I'm dealing with. And it lasts a long long time.
Real Jerry Seinfeld
Fapstronaut
I've had a number of incidents where friends I felt were platonic were harbouring feelings and wanted something more. Early in the relationship my missus would warn me about said girls and I'd just dismiss it, but she was 100% correct on basically all occasions. With hindsight, I'm not sure I've ever had a friendship with a woman that was entirely platonic. Maybe that's just me being paranoid, but I've noticed sometimes that when a female friend gets a boyfriend, that can sometimes precipitate them cooling off our friendship.
This woman speaking about her sexual problems with her husband and cheating etc should probably let you know how she views you. I'd take it as a sign to cut her off before you get carried away and end up in an inappropriate situation. Unfortunately, I think friends of the opposite sex are usually best kept to mutual friends. I do miss how many female friendships I once had but I can't help but feel with hindsight that there were sexual undertones to quite a lot of these relationships that perhaps I wasn't fully cognisant of.
This woman speaking about her sexual problems with her husband and cheating etc should probably let you know how she views you. I'd take it as a sign to cut her off before you get carried away and end up in an inappropriate situation. Unfortunately, I think friends of the opposite sex are usually best kept to mutual friends. I do miss how many female friendships I once had but I can't help but feel with hindsight that there were sexual undertones to quite a lot of these relationships that perhaps I wasn't fully cognisant of.
man I appreciate your honesty. It’s been seriously bugging me for two days now and I think you’re right. The friendship just needs to end. It’s not worth the risk for my marriage. Gods will not mine. I’m gonna block that number I’ll figure out work implications later.
im genuinely sorry for that awful experience no one deserves that double standard treatment from a spouse. I hope you can work past it my friend.
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I think this explains why I’ve been so stressed about this. I think you’re right. I can confidently say it’s not worth my marriage to carry on with the friendship. Thank you all for the insights.
I feel very blessed to have this community and conversation opportunity
You’re correct my wife is absolutely not the issue. This is a toxic friendship to be in for a marriage.
The fact I’ve been stressing about not blocking her (blocked now btw) is a dead giveaway.
for the record I really appreciate your candor
Warfman
Fapstronaut
The times that I felt very convicted in going no contact, I felt best about it after explaining to the person why I was doing so. It added a level of closure to that friendship, and put a boundary up that I wasn't ok with that kind of temptation while in a relationship. Got yelled at once pretty bad actually. Haha but I felt I did the right thing, and know that I did do the right thing.
The tough stuff though was to go in assuming my wife was also following this same standard, when I was hit with the texts from the ex, I've been in a spiral of trying to find the truth ever since. Best to keep all that wide open, so that both of you are on the same page and understand where you both stand.
Just my opinion anyway
Your doing great man.
Since starting this endeavor I’ve told a couple of people I’m too busy outside of work and to only contact me for business (don’t invite me to parties, happy hour, etc.) because I’m definitely not going anyway lol mostly just to keep healthy guardrails up to keep it professional because I’ve noticed bad signs from them in the past and while getting some weird looks it’s been mostly harmless. I haven’t actually seen this particular person in almost two years and this one caught me completely off guard because I’ve never had this issue with her.
You’re probably right I need to close it off properly and entirely. My initial reaction to just leave the conversation was from the surprise and it’s probably not the best way I could have handled it but I felt it was too dangerous for me to keep talking to her at that point so I bailed like a chicken shit. I didn’t know what else to do.
I appreciate the honesty guys. If this was just an echo chamber I doubt I would progress very far. Thanks for checking me
(my current job is basically IT/sales which is why I am attempting to be overly cautious and set hard boundaries because I do get contacted a lot. This particular person is now at an account I rarely if ever visit because it’s not my product so I’ll pass it off to the rep who I just helped out there to answer troubleshooting issues because I’m closer so it shouldn’t be an issue work wise.)
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Day 54,
Today is my 10th Anniversary. I’m just in awe of how much I don’t deserve my wife but she is still my wife. She introduced me to God. She helped me through my PTSD and is my best friend. I love her more than she will ever know. I don’t want to get better for just me but for Her and my beautiful girls. She makes me WANT to be better.
Happy Anniversary babe I love you more every day and I’m desperate to be worthy of you!
really just doubling down on leaning on my prayer time and reading my Bible daily. I’m spending as much time with the Lord as I can. In church this last Sunday they talked about Jesus saying in the sermon on the mount “I did not come to bring peace, I came with a sword” Matthew 10:34
Jesus didn’t mean he was going to turn us all against each other, but he would make sure we were following God above all else.
The series is about relationship pitfalls. This one is about making sure everyone likes us even if we go against God to do it.
I worry about people liking me. Like my friend earlier this week. I wanted to be there for her and to be what she needed. I even tried to speak some Biblical truth to her (You are loved and worthy of pursuit basically God loves you and pursues you find a man that will too) but in wanting to be liked and be a good friend I was not being a good Husband or Christian. The friendship is ended and I feel better about it. Every woman deserves to be treated well but my job is to treat my wife that way not be that for anyone else.
God
Wife
Kids
Family
everyone else
that’s the order and that’s how I have to treat it even if I piss people off
Clearly I’m not healed, but I’m in a better spot than day 1. I pray I can keep moving toward God and leave this old me in the dirt dead and buried.
be blessed guys and gals thank you for your accountability.
Today is my 10th Anniversary. I’m just in awe of how much I don’t deserve my wife but she is still my wife. She introduced me to God. She helped me through my PTSD and is my best friend. I love her more than she will ever know. I don’t want to get better for just me but for Her and my beautiful girls. She makes me WANT to be better.
Happy Anniversary babe I love you more every day and I’m desperate to be worthy of you!
really just doubling down on leaning on my prayer time and reading my Bible daily. I’m spending as much time with the Lord as I can. In church this last Sunday they talked about Jesus saying in the sermon on the mount “I did not come to bring peace, I came with a sword” Matthew 10:34
Jesus didn’t mean he was going to turn us all against each other, but he would make sure we were following God above all else.
The series is about relationship pitfalls. This one is about making sure everyone likes us even if we go against God to do it.
I worry about people liking me. Like my friend earlier this week. I wanted to be there for her and to be what she needed. I even tried to speak some Biblical truth to her (You are loved and worthy of pursuit basically God loves you and pursues you find a man that will too) but in wanting to be liked and be a good friend I was not being a good Husband or Christian. The friendship is ended and I feel better about it. Every woman deserves to be treated well but my job is to treat my wife that way not be that for anyone else.
God
Wife
Kids
Family
everyone else
that’s the order and that’s how I have to treat it even if I piss people off
Clearly I’m not healed, but I’m in a better spot than day 1. I pray I can keep moving toward God and leave this old me in the dirt dead and buried.
be blessed guys and gals thank you for your accountability.
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Day 57,
great weekend with my family. Demoed my parents bathroom for them and they got to hang out with my Wife and kiddos laughing at me while I worked haha
great Anniversary on Friday. I’m truly lucky and blessed to be with this woman. I hope I can fully heal all the damage I’ve done to our marriage over the years and finally be the man she needs me to be and deserves. I wasted so much time on PM it’s a travesty. She deserves the best in all the world so I can’t take any days off. I’ve got a lot of work to do and I have to keep pushing toward God and listening to him. I’m amazed at how far the Lord has brought me and how much better I feel spending time in his Word and in prayer. I feel my heart changing toward Him everyday and I just hope I can stay on his path.
Have a Great Week everyone! You’re all a blessing in my life and I won’t hear otherwise.
great weekend with my family. Demoed my parents bathroom for them and they got to hang out with my Wife and kiddos laughing at me while I worked haha
great Anniversary on Friday. I’m truly lucky and blessed to be with this woman. I hope I can fully heal all the damage I’ve done to our marriage over the years and finally be the man she needs me to be and deserves. I wasted so much time on PM it’s a travesty. She deserves the best in all the world so I can’t take any days off. I’ve got a lot of work to do and I have to keep pushing toward God and listening to him. I’m amazed at how far the Lord has brought me and how much better I feel spending time in his Word and in prayer. I feel my heart changing toward Him everyday and I just hope I can stay on his path.
Have a Great Week everyone! You’re all a blessing in my life and I won’t hear otherwise.
I didn’t get a chance to read the entire thread yet because this keeps popping up. This is dangerous and selfish advice. I am the spouse of a PA. If it wasn’t for his immediate honesty when asked it would have been a much much more difficult situation. The fact that it went on as long as it did is painful. Thank goodness I already knew he used P to begin with. I just didn’t know he was in that deep or what effect it had on the brain, hormones, emotions and I definitely hand no clue P or M was physically damaging.
Secondly and very importantly Confession brings much needed relief and accountability. When you confess everything is out in the open. You state out loud that you have a problem it is a different level of acknowledgment that has a dramatic effect on your brain. Letting the person that you are wronging is even more profound effect on actions or temptations. It’s more of a commitment to the process of quitting. From a psychological prospective you stand a much better chance of relapse without taking this type of accountability. Even tho taking accountability is not a bulletproof shield against relapse, the relapse has a more marked effect in trial and error. You’re not only letting yourself down on the subconscious level but on a very much more visceral and surface level. Not only that but you feel the weight of your actions more because you let others down. That experience in necessary to overcome the addiction.
if Divorce was to come. It will come regardless. And probably much more likely without being honest as soon as possible.
I find it a way of protecting the addiction. Because if you say nothing you are expecting and giving in to relapse. You don’t want to admit that you don’t want to stop. And on top of that you are tempting others to do the same. Please no one use this as an opportunity to give into the negative cycle. Admission and accountability are key. Honestly to others is to be truly honest with yourself.
nomo
Fapstronaut
To each their own, but realize that you are going against the advise of the Sex Anonymous (SA) organization, and I think they have more expertise on this subject than most everyone on this thread. SA has a plain white cover book for it's members, it's 212 pages long. On page 3 they caution the addict not to confess too early until the addict has a period of sobriety.