very first time here *journal*

[Sad_wife]

To each their own, but realize that you are going against the advise of the Sex Anonymous (SA) organization, and I think they have more expertise on this subject than most everyone on this thread. SA has a plain white cover book for it's members, it's 212 pages long. On page 3 they caution the addict not to confess too early until the addict has a period of sobriety.

I honestly don’t get the logic. I’ve been in therapy for 4 years. And have had a habit of studying psychology since as long as so can remember. I can’t believe I didn’t come across the porn addiction thing sooner. But it’s clear what a huge difference accountability makes in any situation. And coming from the side of the person you are hurting trust me it’s worse the longer lies go on. ‍ Do what works for you I guess. But the science backs accountability.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I honestly don’t get the logic. I’ve been in therapy for 4 years. And have had a habit of studying psychology since as long as so can remember. I can’t believe I didn’t come across the porn addiction thing sooner. But it’s clear what a huge difference accountability makes in any situation. And coming from the side of the person you are hurting trust me it’s worse the longer lies go on. ‍ Do what works for you I guess. But the science backs accountability.

I can only guess the reason for “ not confessing TOO SOON” is because the relapse rate for sex addicts is close to 100%. So, what happens is the addicts realizes he’s an addict and truly believes he will never do that again. He knows better now. He’s getting help now. So he confesses, thinking he’ll never do that again . Then he relapses, again, and again, this is incredibly hard on the partner, who also really believed that now that we know better, now that we see the damage and have help, we are going to get through this. Not realizing the extent of changes in the brain of each person. Not understanding the sheer difference of an addiction that at its core is already a drive in our behavior. Nobody has a drive for alcohol or cocaine. But almost everyone has a physical drive for sex. So, I get why they advise getting some sobriety. However the vast majority cannot get to even a years sobriety. They struggle with a week. So, when exactly is enough sobriety if they can’t even get a week? A month? A year? It’s counter to how an addict gets into recovery . They need 1. Honesty . 2. Connection 3. Accountability 4. Lots of help!

That’s going to be impossible while lying to your partner.

 

[The Shift]

I can only guess the reason for “ not confessing TOO SOON” is because the relapse rate for sex addicts is close to 100%. So, what happens is the addicts realizes he’s an addict and truly believes he will never do that again. He knows better now. He’s getting help now. So he confesses, thinking he’ll never do that again . Then he relapses, again, and again, this is incredibly hard on the partner, who also really believed that now that we know better, now that we see the damage and have help, we are going to get through this. Not realizing the extent of changes in the brain of each person. Not understanding the sheer difference of an addiction that at its core is already a drive in our behavior. Nobody has a drive for alcohol or cocaine. But almost everyone has a physical drive for sex. So, I get why they advise getting some sobriety. However the vast majority cannot get to even a years sobriety. They struggle with a week. So, when exactly is enough sobriety if they can’t even get a week? A month? A year? It’s counter to how an addict gets into recovery . They need 1. Honesty . 2. Connection 3. Accountability 4. Lots of help!

That’s going to be impossible while lying to your partner.

I’m not as well read on the literature as you two but in my personal experience.
An addict is going to lie and try to justify everything to support their selfish decisions. It’s very hard to step back and see what we are doing to others through our actions because we have turned so far inward in response to our own wounds in an unhealthy destructive selfish way. We know it’s wrong and our behaviors hurt people but won’t face it because it is truly hard as hell to admit you’ve betrayed someone you love.

the opposite of this behavior is trusting someone enough to put it all on the line. If you really love them. Trust them. Sometimes the damage is too much and you will lose them but if you love them you want them to be happy. If I prove to have done too much for my wife to handle I truly want her to be happy and I want her to be with someone who treats her like the beautiful woman she is. Treat her as a valuable creation from God that she is! If I can’t do it she deserves someone who can. Ironically if I want to save her happiness I have to be willing to suffer in exchange that’s the price of my sins. I have to choose between her happiness and mine.

the addict in me doesn’t deserve my wife. Period. Giving in to that is a betrayal and if I fail over and over she may leave me. But telling my wife was the one decision I don’t think I’ll ever regret. Even if I wind up alone.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I’m not as well read on the literature as you two but in my personal experience.
An addict is going to lie and try to justify everything to support their selfish decisions. It’s very hard to step back and see what we are doing to others through our actions because we have turned so far inward in response to our own wounds in an unhealthy destructive selfish way. We know it’s wrong and our behaviors hurt people but won’t face it because it is truly hard as hell to admit you’ve betrayed someone you love.

the opposite of this behavior is trusting someone enough to put it all on the line. If you really love them. Trust them. Sometimes the damage is too much and you will lose them but if you love them you want them to be happy. If I prove to have done too much for my wife to handle I truly want her to be happy and I want her to be with someone who treats her like the beautiful woman she is. Treat her as a valuable creation from God that she is! If I can’t do it she deserves someone who can. Ironically if I want to save her happiness I have to be willing to suffer in exchange that’s the price of my sins. I have to choose between her happiness and mine.

the addict in me doesn’t deserve my wife. Period. Giving in to that is a betrayal and if I fail over and over she may leave me. But telling my wife was the one decision I don’t think I’ll ever regret. Even if I wind up alone.

Beautifully put.

 

[The Shift]

Day 59,

I’ve really been pouring over Ephesians 6 The Armor of God. Ive been reading through the whole Bible from the beginning since I’ve started my recovery but Ive really been drawn to this and I’ve been trying to understand it more deeply.

I think the first two parts of the armor mentioned are very intentional
The Belt of Truth and The Breastplate of Righteousness.

The belt is as John Eldredge pointed out probably a girdle given the time period so it’s BIG. It’s also worn at your core. It has to be the basis of you. So what is the Truth?

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

makes sense to me. It gives me hope. It gives me a direction. The first step in my recovery has to be toward Christ. I have to ask myself DAILY what would Christ do in this situation. It has to become a part of me at my CORE

The Breastplate guards your heart. This armor isn’t physical it’s spiritual so our heart is our spiritual heart. Righteousness guards our heart. What is righteousness?

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22‬:‭37‬-‭40‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So. How does this affect me and why is it so important to my PM recovery? How am I loving others as myself if I am committing adultery with a screen? How am I treating my wife the way I’d want my daughters to be treated if I’m giving intimacy away to someone who isn’t their mother? Just because it’s easy?

maybe there’s a reason porn addicts (addicts in general) have so much mental health issues. We are not protecting our hearts and are destroying our brains with chemicals just to satisfy ourselves while hurting everyone around us. My wife told me one time after I confessed “it could be worse, it’s not that bad” I know she was trying to be the wonderful compassionate woman she is. Shes wrong. I’m not saying this to torture myself or to make myself look better it’s important for me to recover, IT IS THAT BAD. It’s everything that I would kill a man for doing to my daughter. It’s betrayal, it’s lying, it’s making her feel bad about herself. It’s bad. It’s not ok. If I let myself think it’s not the worst sin or I could be worse I’ll fold.

I don’t care if you all are Christians you’re all welcome here. But if you ignore everything else an addict like me says fine don’t ignore this. I’m seeing the extent of what I’ve done slowly and it breaks my heart. Don’t justify this. Listen to those two commands Jesus gave and put yourself LAST to save yourself. Fight for each other and Fight for your spouse. Fight for the stranger you’ve never met who’s constant tormented because there’s a video of her (or him) that won’t go away whether by their own choice or by being forced it still haunts them every time someone recognizes them.

Thank you all . I’m sorry for the long sermon I had a lot to say to myself apparently but it felt good to tell all this.

 

[Sad_wife]

Day 59,

I’ve really been pouring over Ephesians 6 The Armor of God. Ive been reading through the whole Bible from the beginning since I’ve started my recovery but Ive really been drawn to this and I’ve been trying to understand it more deeply.

I think the first two parts of the armor mentioned are very intentional
The Belt of Truth and The Breastplate of Righteousness.

The belt is as John Eldredge pointed out probably a girdle given the time period so it’s BIG. It’s also worn at your core. It has to be the basis of you. So what is the Truth?

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

makes sense to me. It gives me hope. It gives me a direction. The first step in my recovery has to be toward Christ. I have to ask myself DAILY what would Christ do in this situation. It has to become a part of me at my CORE

The Breastplate guards your heart. This armor isn’t physical it’s spiritual so our heart is our spiritual heart. Righteousness guards our heart. What is righteousness?

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22‬:‭37‬-‭40‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So. How does this affect me and why is it so important to my PM recovery? How am I loving others as myself if I am committing adultery with a screen? How am I treating my wife the way I’d want my daughters to be treated if I’m giving intimacy away to someone who isn’t their mother? Just because it’s easy?

maybe there’s a reason porn addicts (addicts in general) have so much mental health issues. We are not protecting our hearts and are destroying our brains with chemicals just to satisfy ourselves while hurting everyone around us. My wife told me one time after I confessed “it could be worse, it’s not that bad” I know she was trying to be the wonderful compassionate woman she is. Shes wrong. I’m not saying this to torture myself or to make myself look better it’s important for me to recover, IT IS THAT BAD. It’s everything that I would kill a man for doing to my daughter. It’s betrayal, it’s lying, it’s making her feel bad about herself. It’s bad. It’s not ok. If I let myself think it’s not the worst sin or I could be worse I’ll fold.

I don’t care if you all are Christians you’re all welcome here. But if you ignore everything else an addict like me says fine don’t ignore this. I’m seeing the extent of what I’ve done slowly and it breaks my heart. Don’t justify this. Listen to those two commands Jesus gave and put yourself LAST to save yourself. Fight for each other and Fight for your spouse. Fight for the stranger you’ve never met who’s constant tormented because there’s a video of her (or him) that won’t go away whether by their own choice or by being forced it still haunts them every time someone recognizes them.

Thank you all . I’m sorry for the long sermon I had a lot to say to myself apparently but it felt good to tell all this.

You are a good man. I see the same dilemma in you as in my husband. You have been tricked by society and the dopamine trap. P and M twists our real character. Keep up with the good fight. You can do it.

 

[The Shift]

You are a good man. I see the same dilemma in you as in my husband. You have been tricked by society and the dopamine trap. P and M twists our real character. Keep up with the good fight. You can do it.

very kind of you to say that. Thank you!

I’m sorry you and your husband are also having to deal with this, you by no choice of your own. But, I’m glad we can all come together and see that we can struggle together. We can heal and I pray your marriage and any wounds you may have suffered will get the healing they need!

 

[The Shift]

Day 60,

2 months in! All Praise to God. I know I wouldn’t have come this far without Him, my wife, my friend and you all here. I’m deeply grateful for all of you whether we agree or not.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share my experiences and thoughts with you all and the accountability this community provides me.

I need to grow my community circle, my wife has such a solid group of women she has collected and keeps in fellowship with. Meanwhile, I have friends and family, but I isolate myself. I don’t join them or make effort to grow our community or our fellowship. A solid support system is a healthy part of life we all need the size doesn’t matter. 2 people working toward a good goal is much better than swimming in this chaos alone. We aren’t made to be alone. I need to hang out with dudes who are after the same goals I am. Good Christian, Good Husband, Good Father.

I pray you all have a great Day!

Be Blessed!

 

[Warren of fleabags]

Congratulations on hitting the 60 day mark. I’m glad you are starting to feel the benefits of the process.

 

[The Shift]

Congratulations on hitting the 60 day mark. I’m glad you are starting to feel the benefits of the process.

thank you! I can’t imagine how good 500 days feels if 60 makes me this happy you are a very strong person and I’m so glad I stumbled across your thread. But I have to get through 61 before I think about 500

 

[The Shift]

Day 61,

I don’t want to talk about me today. I’m in good spirits and I want to share that. Quick update and that’s all, I’m doing good my wife is feeling good coming off her SSRIs we are at a good point of peaceful chaos that is having kids and a family haha.

If you have a prayer request put it here and I’ll pray over them this weekend.

Have a Great weekend y’all!

be Blessed!

 

[The Shift]

Day 64,

good weekend. Had a wonderful date night with my lovely wife. We ate good food talked with friends and listened to good music. It was nice it was adult. My kids had a friend over on Saturday and Sunday we hung out and I tried to stay sane with a house full of screaming goofballs but it was fun.

I’m in a good spot of learning about myself and my weaknesses. Looking to expand my healing beyond just PMO. Shedding the old man into a new man is a complete process and while I don’t want to put my PM recovery in a lower order I do want to keep moving and become more complete. It’s not my only sin and I want to prune off the fruitless aspects of my life and be the version of me I’m supposed to be. Not the version of me I let the world mold around me.

I’m working on not letting my anger get the best of me. It’s ok to have fire but it like all things can’t be selfish. I got mad as hell at some coaching berating and intimidating some little girls watching my nieces soccer game (I yelled at him to back off much to my wife’s embarrassment… I’m not sorry he was out of line and they didn’t deserve it. I’m not against passionate coaching but yelling and actually lunging at kids to dominate/intimidate them into doing what you say is where I absolutely will step in)

it made me think. I’ll be mad and call out some guy I don’t know yelling and berating kids but when I feel out of control my fire is the first thing I resort to in my own parenting. So that IM in control. I don’t think that’s a good lesson to teach my kids and it’s gonna be a hard one to break but if it wasn’t worthwhile it probably wouldn’t be hard.


Side note. Seriously one of the absolute most powerful tools I have discovered is a video on how to make your smart phone a dumb phone and just cut your reliance on it down. I’ll get a link in here if anyone is interested because it has made my journey much better. I’m reading more. I’m listening to history podcasts and reigniting my joy of just exploring our world. It’s been really fun and I highly recommend it!

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

I’m working on not letting my anger get the best of me. It’s ok to have fire but it like all things can’t be selfish. I got mad as hell at some coaching berating and intimidating some little girls watching my nieces soccer game (I yelled at him to back off much to my wife’s embarrassment… I’m not sorry he was out of line and they didn’t deserve it. I’m not against passionate coaching but yelling and actually lunging at kids to dominate/intimidate them into doing what you say is where I absolutely will step in)

it made me think. I’ll be mad and call out some guy I don’t know yelling and berating kids but when I feel out of control my fire is the first thing I resort to in my own parenting. So that IM in control. I don’t think that’s a good lesson to teach my kids and it’s gonna be a hard one to break but if it wasn’t worthwhile it probably wouldn’t be hard.

Something we've been discussing in our parenting is the distinction between being angry and authoritative. You can raise your voice without shouting, express displeasure without berating, and assert yourself physically without behaving aggressively. It's all about finding the right tone and posture for correcting behaviour.

Something I struggle with personally is not being dismissive. We've discussed attachment styles in this subforum previously and I feel my parents were always very dismissive of my feelings. Tough love was the order of the day. And whilst there's a place for that, I'm trying to be more cognisant now of acknowledging how my children feel. It's about recognising the validity of their feelings whilst guiding them towards managing and expressing those feelings appropriately.

I guess my point is that being aware of your bad habits is the first step to breaking them, so you're on the right path.

 

[Warren of fleabags]

Day 64,

good weekend. Had a wonderful date night with my lovely wife. We ate good food talked with friends and listened to good music. It was nice it was adult. My kids had a friend over on Saturday and Sunday we hung out and I tried to stay sane with a house full of screaming goofballs but it was fun.

I’m in a good spot of learning about myself and my weaknesses. Looking to expand my healing beyond just PMO. Shedding the old man into a new man is a complete process and while I don’t want to put my PM recovery in a lower order I do want to keep moving and become more complete. It’s not my only sin and I want to prune off the fruitless aspects of my life and be the version of me I’m supposed to be. Not the version of me I let the world mold around me.

I’m working on not letting my anger get the best of me. It’s ok to have fire but it like all things can’t be selfish. I got mad as hell at some coaching berating and intimidating some little girls watching my nieces soccer game (I yelled at him to back off much to my wife’s embarrassment… I’m not sorry he was out of line and they didn’t deserve it. I’m not against passionate coaching but yelling and actually lunging at kids to dominate/intimidate them into doing what you say is where I absolutely will step in)

it made me think. I’ll be mad and call out some guy I don’t know yelling and berating kids but when I feel out of control my fire is the first thing I resort to in my own parenting. So that IM in control. I don’t think that’s a good lesson to teach my kids and it’s gonna be a hard one to break but if it wasn’t worthwhile it probably wouldn’t be hard.


Side note. Seriously one of the absolute most powerful tools I have discovered is a video on how to make your smart phone a dumb phone and just cut your reliance on it down. I’ll get a link in here if anyone is interested because it has made my journey much better. I’m reading more. I’m listening to history podcasts and reigniting my joy of just exploring our world. It’s been really fun and I highly recommend it!

Something we've been discussing in our parenting is the distinction between being angry and authoritative. You can raise your voice without shouting, express displeasure without berating, and assert yourself physically without behaving aggressively. It's all about finding the right tone and posture for correcting behaviour.

Something I struggle with personally is not being dismissive. We've discussed attachment styles in this subforum previously and I feel my parents were always very dismissive of my feelings. Tough love was the order of the day. And whilst there's a place for that, I'm trying to be more cognisant now of acknowledging how my children feel. It's about recognising the validity of their feelings whilst guiding them towards managing and expressing those feelings appropriately.

I guess my point is that being aware of your bad habits is the first step to breaking them, so you're on the right path.

I can completely relate to these. One of the things I have noticed since being on my NoFap journey is that it now takes a lot more to boil my emotions than before. I am calmer a lot more and don’t get as frustrated as I used to, which would result in me not being a particularly pleasant person. Towards my wife, obviously, I wanted to be better - and to my daughter.

I grew up hating my dad because he was so strict - we only saw him at weekends because he worked long hours and when we were home it was his way or no way. For the most part it still is with my mum and him. I promised myself I would never be like him as a parent and I hope that I haven’t - this change in my anger hopefully adds to that.

 

[The Shift]

Something we've been discussing in our parenting is the distinction between being angry and authoritative. You can raise your voice without shouting, express displeasure without berating, and assert yourself physically without behaving aggressively. It's all about finding the right tone and posture for correcting behaviour.

Something I struggle with personally is not being dismissive. We've discussed attachment styles in this subforum previously and I feel my parents were always very dismissive of my feelings. Tough love was the order of the day. And whilst there's a place for that, I'm trying to be more cognisant now of acknowledging how my children feel. It's about recognising the validity of their feelings whilst guiding them towards managing and expressing those feelings appropriately.

I guess my point is that being aware of your bad habits is the first step to breaking them, so you're on the right path.

I can completely relate to these. One of the things I have noticed since being on my NoFap journey is that it now takes a lot more to boil my emotions than before. I am calmer a lot more and don’t get as frustrated as I used to, which would result in me not being a particularly pleasant person. Towards my wife, obviously, I wanted to be better - and to my daughter.

I grew up hating my dad because he was so strict - we only saw him at weekends because he worked long hours and when we were home it was his way or no way. For the most part it still is with my mum and him. I promised myself I would never be like him as a parent and I hope that I haven’t - this change in my anger hopefully adds to that.

I agree with both of these. I find I can be firm and get my point across a lot better when I’m not being truly angry. My kids sense it too they know when I’m in control and they need to listen and when I’m angry from being selfish(yelling to make me feel in control and just not staying on point etc.) whole situation escalates very fast.

I also had an authoritative hard father. My fire is 100% from him and it actually is something that scares me. We clashed a lot and still do. Some of my healing as a person overall is going to have to involve some hard conversations with my dad.

One thing recently I’ve been able to do though is I’ve started looking at our low moments and thinking about the wider picture in both our lives. One particularly low moment he blamed me for “ruining his marriage.” I was 14. Lol. Anyway, at this point in my life my Aunt had overdosed and her sons had been living with my grandparents (same dudes who showed me porn when I was 8…. Bastards) these guys at this point in time have absolutely ruined my grandparents home to a point my grandpa built a wall with a reinforced door to their den that he slept in and locked to keep my cousins from stealing from them to feed their drug habits. It was a terrible situation and my grandparents refused to address it. My Dad was really struggling with it a lot. He’s a very passionate and loving guy still is, but his passion and emotional regulation is not good. His dad was a passive pushover of a man most days and his mom was a lunatic disciplinarian at 4’8”

none of this excuses anything my dad ever did to me but it does make him more human in my mind and it took a lot of the sting away. I do love him. Really, I know this story is a horrible picture of him but that’s why looking at it from a wider frame is important to me. He was a very caring dad a lot of the time but those harsh memories are strong. They were direct hits to my most vulnerable parts of my sense of self so they stick around but in weird totally unhealthy ways my dad was always trying to “protect” me by trying to make me a more fierce man that isn’t going to be pushed around like his dad

Making him more human made me feel better and know that those moments are a lot more about him and his problems not me. And I need to remember that I need to address my children in the same manner. Correct things and enforce things they need. Not my needs.

thank you for coming to my TED talk

 

[The Shift]

Day 67,

Man it’s busy at work. I haven’t had much time to post and I’m really just trying to be more present at home so I’m not getting on the phone as much. I kind of figured it would make me anxious as I’m a very routine oriented person usually but it’s just not. I feel good doing the things with my kids and Wife. I’m enjoying listening to their goofy stories and I’m just not really concerned about things outside of those moments. They’ll be addressed when they need to be. Very weird feeling for me lol and I’m not exactly sure when I even started feeling this way. Hope it lasts but if not I’ll try to remember to step back and look at the big picture maybe I’m not doing something that has been bringing me peace.

does anyone have anymore book recommendations? To keep it fresh I’m bouncing around between self improvement, history, fantasy/sci-fi (Lord of the Rings recently and it’s awesome especially when you look at the characters themes deeper. Tolkien was truly a master)

From a character study standpoint I think I used to wish I was Aragorn (solid character) but man Theoden just resonated with me. He was just stuck and dying in trickery lies and sin. ( To me Theoden is where Tolkiens faith bled into the pages) he was unable to get out on his own even though he was in hell. He missed a lot of important things and even when he was pulled out he was still hesitant to make the calls he needed to make and going against good wisdom. But man what a turn around and redemption arc. The ride of the Rohirrim speech and the battle to save Gondor was just beautiful and inspiring! It’s never too late to fix your heart. Ride for glory and the world’s End!

haha I’m a nerd yall and I don’t care.

have a blessed day!

 

[The Shift]

Day 69,

good weekend on the books. Taking our kids on a little getaway trip. Nothing big or special just getting out of town and trying new things. Looking forward to it.

Starting to feel kind of restless. Not really related to PM or anything those urges are actually down right now but I feel like there’s something I’m not doing if that makes sense? Like I’m missing something or there’s something more I could be doing. It’s an uneasy feeling and I’m not a huge fan lol

maybe it’s just because I’m looking at getting my masters, and I’m learning coding again. Feels like I’m too old (tech world moves FAST) I’m not really a programmer or even close to one yet. Though I suppose this could also be what Pressfield calls “resistance” in his book the War of Art. He treats resistance as an almost supernatural force that actively works against you and that the things we feel most resistance against are what we truly need to push through to get our visions out into the world.


I’ll have to definitely look at this and pray on it.

have a great weekend! Be Blessed everyone

 

[The Shift]

Day 71,

Ask the questions and they will be answered! lol that missing feeling got a solid answer. I'm listening to the audiobook for "Love and War" by John and Stasi Eldredge. (They just click with me.) So I'm feeling something missing and then this book just smacks me in the face. "what is you and your wife's purpose together?" I've been so focused on healing and making sure that I'm doing all I can to improve myself I got tunnel vision and selfish and did not bring my wife into the equation. (typical me... ugh) If I'm going to be all in on this we are supposed to be one flesh. One spirit. We fight together. Thats what I said on the altar and its time to start putting a whole HELL of a lot more effort into that. We need to start fighting together. There was indeed something missing. We arent praying together on our issues, Im praying. Im fairly sure she is too. but we are not in this together we arent praying together. Thats changing. We need to figure out what is our adventure as a marriage. I want to start praying for her WITH her. When Im struggling with my anger or Im feeling vulnerable or not worth it. I need to put down my pride and I need to ask if she will help me pray through it. I need to lead for once. Its go time and I'm not going to be a passenger in this marriage any more. Its time to be all in for this woman because she deserves it and so do I and so do our kids.

Have a great week everyone!

Be blessed!

 

[The Shift]

Day 74,

I think I surprised my wife when I asked her if she wanted to start praying with me every night. lol I don’t think it was a bad surprise but it’s not a great endorsement of me either lol I have regrettably not ever been one to pray with her or in front of her or any of that. So far it’s awkward and I suck at it but that’s ok I wanna get better at everything I’m doing. This is all about being our best versions of us so doing something awkward is a good thing.

I mentioned a while back I need to grow my circle. I need “3 am” guys as one podcaster I heard calls them. Guys who you can call at 3 am and hear them getting dressed to come help you in the background. Guys who call you out on you faults and tell you be better and then keep loving you. Well as it turns out I’ve been very blessed here as well. My friend who picked up the phone to help me quit PMO has been amazing. He owes me nothing but is all in on this with me. My cousin (who I see more as a brother) in the midst of fighting legal battles against his sperm donor who abandoned him and is now trying to bleed him dry gives me a call and says hey, I felt like I needed to invite you to go do some range days. Another guy at work who I don’t know all that well approached me and said I need you to join me at ju jitsu.

I don’t deserve any of this grace. But, I’m so grateful. It’s crazy how clearing your mind and removing the haze opens your eyes to the workings around you! I genuinely don’t know if I would even notice these if I’m numb to it all.

28 years since I was exposed to porn and it shut down my whole outlook on life and left me vulnerable to just about anything. 74 days and I can already see a different world.

Praise the Lord.

be blessed everyone

 

[The Shift]

Wow it’s been a few days lol

Day 79,

life’s been busy and we are constantly on the move. Actually had a real quick intrusive thought yesterday to use. It was something weird like a smell or something and we have been under a lot of stress recently at work and home so it just kind of popped off in my head to go M to relieve stress. It was instantly there, but I was able to notice it and shut it down. Wasn’t real intense but it was there.

it’s a reminder that I get no days off. It is something that is genuinely beyond me personally. I’m really staying focused on not dehumanizing people and it’s going well. There’s even conversations at work I’m just not comfortable being a part of anymore because I don’t really have any interest in talking like that. I don’t feel judgmental towards them by any means because as someone told me when I said I wasn’t interested in seeing some celebrity in a skimpy outfit “that’s not you.” Because I was usually the first to make the dumb innuendo jokes or talk smack or just say sure show me. Sexuality or sexually explicit stuff was always just casual for me and I didn’t treat it like the dangerous/wonderful thing it is.

I can’t force those thoughts to never reemerge but I can acknowledge them as the attack that they are and to treat them as such. Phone a friend if I need him, go on a walk etc.

Luckily I’m blessed to have finally reconnected with the Lord and he’s pulled me this far. I’m blessed to have a great support system this journal included. I don’t feel defeated I feel blessed that I have an opportunity to be better. I get to see that while yes pruning the dangerous habits was not comfortable it’s starting show some change in me and like it or not people are noticing something different. Which is in and of itself, a new form of stress lol. But, hey if they don’t like it I feel like I can be at peace with that too.

thank you for reading and Be blessed guys and gals.