Vicious cycle of despair

M

Machomachine

Fapstronaut
Honestly you guys dont know how hard this has hit me.
For the longest time growing up I had never thought I would of been gay.
I looked at straight porn religiously , club magazine, HBO softcore, ggw you name it I was aroused by it.
It wasn't till I hit 18 I realized I didn't have a sex drive like most of my friends had.

Curiosity told me to look at something new..and that was gay porn. I remember to this day my immediate response was hard to soft really fast.

But over time I just got used to it.

I am much older now but it has never gone away..I don't see myself as gay but same sex attraction to porn tells me otherwise.
Its very frustrating because I'm always in a state of wondering if this is some sort of mental funk or not.

I don't go out of the way to pursue men, because nothing has ever pushed me to have a relationship with one. I've debated with myself countless of times whether I'm actually gay.

And when I do decide I'm gay I become very sad and depressed as if something is telling me this isnt who you are.

So outside of pornography you would of never guessed it but when it comes to gay porn I am instantly aroused.

One note I do notice is that although I go through all of this I do not actually have a sex drive to people in real life..nothing is pushing me to find a mate.

Also when I masturbate to gay porn my mind is telling me I have to look at porn one more time, again over and over.
I've spent hours hell even days looking at porn.

If I look at porn something says that felt good do it again, yet when I abstain I am lonely.

Its one big cycle of despair..

I get off to gay porn
I get sad because I dont relate to this.
I abstain
I become sad because of loneliness
I go back
 
I get discouraged after a good run..
I see all of these people dismissing hocd as a myth created by people in denial..so I give up. Lol

And it's frustrating because I look at other people who dont have this problem..and I become sceptical.
 
I am in a similar boat to you though it is more chat rooms than gay porn. I can instantly become aroused thinking about taboo topics like being nude in front of other people but generally men are the only ones I'm nude in front of in gym changing rooms etc so this tends to be the thought. I have never found a man attractive in a sexual nor mental/romantic way so I know that I'm not gay, just HOCD putting 2 and 2 together!
 
Machomachine said:
I'm always in a state of wondering if this is some sort of mental funk or not.
Click to expand...
It is!
Hell I got really aroused to bestiality, but do I want to have sex with animals? Fuck No!
Just like you are not gay. How do I know? Because your thoughts about being gay started AFTER you started watching gay porn.

You have to believe that this gets better after your reboot! Because it really does!
Your sex drive will come back too and this will give you motivation to find a partner.

This will be one hard journey for you, but at the end it will be very much worth it. Keep fighting!
 
I beg you all if you are reading this..get professional help..talk with a therapist, even your loved ones.
Don't let your life wither away keeping this dark secret to yourself.

I feel much better writing this.
I am going to come clean to my family soon.

Side note..I apologize for the wall of text..its just something I have to do.

And for all the academics and professionals who say porn addiction doesn't exist..then what the fuck happened to me or countless others?
When I first read Gary Wilson's your brain on porn, he and a few others were the only ones making the connection..now type in hocd on Google..its fucking everywhere
 
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