Victim Blaming

Today I left a facebook group. They said I was victim blaming when I commented.

It really takes 2 to make a relationship work. If we SOs decide to stay with our PAs do we not also have to look at ourselves. Is my PA clean, I can only hope. Probably not but I am here , it is not far of me though to constantly throw it in his face. Which I did. Then ED or PIED made me go crazy and doubt everything about myself. Then I drank to numb out as I was or am struggling to find a job, decent one. No excuses being made for my behavior. I know he has relasped only to lie to me about it. Then I tried to justify that in my head as it is unfair to assume he would never masturbate. He really wants to be close to me and I withhold that, as if I am punishing him. Not sexually so much as emotionally and physically. For ex, sleeping together again. I have not let him in the bed since November. In my mind I withhold that because I do not get foreplay or things I ask for and still feel our sexual relationship is just me being a sub for his hand. So I realize I have inner work to do also.

If we look into ourselves, how am I victim blaming. Honestly how am I victim at all in a relationship? My husband had to learn that I would not be in a partnership, which is a non sexual relationship and withholding sex to control was abuse. I also learned being or victimizing myself or playing the Martyr was doing anyone any good. As if giving my back story would help explain how I am today, but I never could give my back story without being a victim. I also realize on nofap many need to know your whole story , so then maybe you can understand what they are going through as if just being on nofap is not enough. Other than Nofap, I think it is best for me to get out of the groups I am in and move forward from knowing he is a Narc and will most likely never change . Staying in Partners of PA groups or living with a Narcassist is just staying in the same place for me and I am not growing as a person. Why I feel like my brain is dying even in normal small talk when out and about. If I continue to see what I lack, that is what I attract. I think as partners of PAs we have shut down so much that even when they are clean, we have no healthy way of opening up or our partners have no healthy way of how to process when we open up.