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Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by stronger99, Nov 16, 2015.
I know it sucks, I have to quit m and o never again, we are to old for m!!
What is preventing you from getting a girlfriend?
It is very good and fitting analogy.
I am 22 and never had a girlfriend too. I completely understand you. That feeling of being alone and needing somebody you can take in your arms and talk to is terrible. Worst is the fear of it staying this way.
But it's the truth what most people write here. A girlfriend will not complete you. I'm pretty sure that is correct. If you can concentrate on yourself and the people around you who are important to you, you will not feel this way because your mind has other stuff to think about.
In the last year I had more attention from girls than all those year before that. I even got asked out sort of by one. I've simply become much more confident. I walk up straight and with a confident smile and it's really not that difficult. Just concentrate on yourself. Try something new. Go lifting, learn a new language, educate yourself, concentrate on something you are very passionate about or just talk to people. Socialising is the best remedy for feeling alone (no shit). I notice that when I spend a lot of time with other people I don't crave a girlfriend like I do when I'm alone a lot even if those people are men only.
Summary: Just do something! Ignore that feeling and put your time to good use. But not with fapping of course. You will eventually become a great person and a girl will come along and think: why the fuck is that guy single?
I feel a little foolish offering this, because I'm not married, not expecting to, and more into guys! But I've been around, and I think I've learned a thing or two. So take this for what it's worth...
If you want a relationship with a girl, think about this: what do you have to offer?
My point being, that if you tell yourself, over and over, "I've got to have a girlfriend!", does that make you more -- or less -- like someone a girl would want to go out with? Imagine the scenario:
Girl: "Um, hi!"
Guy: "Oh wow, I'm so excited, because I'm talking to you."
Girl: "Um, OK..."
Guy: "Wait, don't go! I really need you to talk to me."
Girl: "Um, well, I'm kind of expecting someone..." (trying to edge away)
Guy: "NO, DON'T LEAVE!!!"
I realize that's kind of exaggerated, but you get the point. Who wants someone who is needy and clingy and all that?
Be the best you, you can be. If you think you have nothing to offer, without knowing you, I'm 100% certain that's not true. But it becomes more true when we have that attitude. A pretty girl could come up to you, and she could be smart and funny, but if all she said was, "oh, I'm terrible, I'm nothing, I'm worthless," after awhile, you'd give up. You'd never discover all she had.
Of course, I don't know whether those reading this can actually have all you want come true. But what do you want? Do you want a fairy-tale story? Probably not going to happen. Do you want to enjoy someone's company? That's very doable. Do you want to love someone? That's absolutely doable; although love is very costly. (I personally think one reason so many people are so messed up in their relationships is because, sadly, they don't know what love is. It's not a feeling or an erection. It's not an act of sex. It's not "compatibility," although that helps. Love is giving, love is caring for the other, seeking the other's good. It's the hardest thing we ever do.)
Be your best self; believe in what you can be and do it. You'll meet people. Then, you decide if you want to give yourself to others. Sex, while awesome, isn't the main thing.
It's true, I have been that clingy guy in a previous relationship. It does not feel or end good. You'll simply make a fool of yourself and never have any control of the relationship. Being needy is a major crutch.
Agreed 100%. I've found that the needyness just comes out because I've told myself I want this so bad, so don't screw it up instead of letting it naturally flow. I'm trying hard to control the need, but it's something I feel will only go away with more experience and like Septimus said, looking at it from the girl's perspective.
Did you find a confidence boost in nofap or was it something else?
No offense, but judging by your counter you are not exactly abstinent. Or did you already complete your "reboot"?
I doubt I would have done it if I wasn't on Nofap.
I already had a 102 day streak and several other long streaks. My last relapse was just MO. I haven't viewed pornographic movies since october 2014.
So yeah I'd say I already rebooted completely. I have never been that deep into PMO. I viewed porn maybe once to twice a week on average. But I still felt shit after watching it.
You kiss your pillows! HAHA. I never did that, but I did cuddle with inanimate objects... pillows and whatnot. You're not the only one don't worry.... but it is pretty funny. It's very frustrating to be so lonely. It's natural but you do need to do something about it.
I've been realizing lately that I've been lonely for the most part of my life. And I think that I was doing a lot of self rejection to push people away. Maybe you need to go out and do fun stuff and make more friends with cute girls. There are SO many single cute women at your age. And you know what, many of them are lonely too. Not to take advantage, but know you're not the only one. Go out and find some hobby that you like, then figure out how to make it involve some women. If you are religious, I would suggest church, mosque, synagogue or whatever else.... Lot's of pretty girls there.
Other than that, Coffee shops are the best bet for me personally. Relaxed atmosphere where it's natural to have conversation. Heck, you might even date the barista. Just talk about whatever. You'll eventually meet a girl who likes the stupid things you say.
Its hard though because once you get out of college you don't even know where to start to meet girls
As much as you may think of it as a problem, try to recognize that it is simply human nature.
Men and women are designed to desire each other, to be compatible with each other in a psychological, emotional, and physical way. What you are experiencing is your own humanity, your nature, which is healthy.
Yes, in a sense, a spouse completes a person, and people always need each other. It is not healthy for a person to be completely alone. But it is possible to find peace and an outlet for your healthy desires before you find the right person, and indeed, you ought to take the challenges of living without sex or a girlfriend as the opportunity for self-mastery. Those are the flames by which you forge your character, and later, when you find the right person, you will have the strength to say yes to her and no to every other woman, and no to any illusions that try to draw you away from her. Overcoming these challenges by not giving in to immediate gratification will make you a man and lay the solid foundation for a stable and happy future.
Man I am right there with you. 25, never really had a girlfriend and still a virgin. I have been on a few dates and gotten close to relationship status a few times but they never panned out. It's tough when you see everyone around you getting married. There have been nights where I have cried myself to sleep because of this. I have learned though that you have to change yourself and that you shouldn't rely on finding "the one" to fix all of your problems. I need to work on my confidence and need to love myself more and that's the advise I offer to you as well. Like others have said on this thread, no one wants to date a person who beats up on himself.
Also, for those that have offered words of wisdom on this thread, thank you. What you have said has helped me as well. I know that there will come a day where I will find the one for me and it will be a special time when I do. Until then, I must keep improving myself and be patient.
I hear you man, that's exactly how it's been for me. There are days where the tears just flow because I am so tired of being alone, but I know that until I work on myself, it won't get any better. There's one constant in me not obtaining a girlfriend and it's not them, though in my defense I haven't put myself out there for the whole world, maybe 20-30 girls total between online and regular dating. There are days I get so frustrated that I convince myself that I am cursed and will be forever alone (yeah, just like that f***ing meme). I am trying to work hard on my confidence and overall mindset, and feel I am further along than I ever have, but I still have those negative thoughts time to time.
It's true, until we love ourselves no girlfriend will ever make us truly happy, and you gotta think about it from their perspective. Do you really think they want to be with someone who mopes around and lacks confidence. Hell no. They want someone who has a strong resolve and won't fold at the snap of a finger. Part of that I feel will come with from abstaining from pmo. I can easily say with a straight face that abstaining from pmo, but mostly mo, has been the single hardest thing in my entire life, because I did it on a daily basis as a way to suppress my feelings of loneliness and sadness.
I've lost 60 lbs, ran a marathon and have worked full time while going to school full time and none of that has compared with struggling with the urges. We can only grow stronger from this, and that will be what will eventually get us that elusive girlfriend so many of us strongly desire.
Well, try 36 years old and e virgin guys! Yes it's true, I am a 36 years old virgin. PMO ruined all my chances, I have had a few girls who wanted sex with me but I have pushed them away, being afraid that I will be a failure, since I do have erection problems, perhaps some of it is caused by PMO. I don't know what to say but I have been very very frustrated about this. I am pushing myself a lot lately so that I can have sex and enjoy it, but nothing yet. I am not sure what do to, like you guys said, I need to stop PMO for good and improve my life, then I will know what to do for sure.
I know you mentioned this already, but how did women suddenly find you attractive. What changes occured when you took up noFap, what actions did you take, and at what point did you start noticing a difference?
It's not like women suddenly started chasing me. but I noticed women many times looking my way and sometimes even smiling at me. They seem to enjoy talking to me.
The big change that occured with me was that I just became self-conscious. I like myself how I am and show that to the outside world. I walk with good posture and a confident gaze. That can do wonders. I'm no chick magnet but women really started noticing me. I have no doubt that NoFap had a lot to do with that because this started happening at the time I started with NoFap. The most important advice I can give you is love yourself and people will suddenly flock to you. It's not just girls. I noticed guys giving me more respect and wanting to hang out with me.
I can relate to your feeling. I am 23 years old too and until 4 months ago I was still a virgin and never had a girlfriend. I felt lonely and also thought about how my life would be if I had a girlfriend. Or how it would be to have sex. I have my own story how I overcame my own limitations and managed to get sex and as of now to have a girlfriend. But here is my say:
What you think will be utter blissful to have sex or a girlfriend is just an illusion. You will not feel different, you will not feel less lonely, you will not become a different person. You are just imagining this. I thought I would be so happy if I had sex or that a girlfriend would make me more "complete". Yeah, it is fun to do, it is fun to have a girlfriend. But I do not feel more happy. Your feelings come from the inside out, not from outside in. It comes from how you think about yourself. Focus on yourself, enjoy yourself, and along the way you will find a girl who wants to be with you. I share my life with my girlfriend, but my life is perfectly fine without her.
Don't get me wrong, feeling to want someone to love or love you is natural. But it does not change anything. Keep improving and enjoying your own life and the rest will fall in place, really. That is my experience.
So what is your story?
I'll give it a try to formulate it in a post. It is quite condensed as it covers about 6 years.
I strongly believed in the romantic love. I would crush on a girl and do anything I could to get her. This happened to me several times. These crushes lasted between 6 months or 2 years (can't believe it myself now). I would try anything to build up a relation naturally so that I could make a move without coming over as a complete idiot. During these periods I was longing for their companionship and to overcome my sad feelings or lack of (sexual) romantic relationships I turned to porn and masturbation. I was convinced that if I could manage to win my crush over, my life would be a bliss. I finally managed to do this with one girl when I was 21, but completely ruined it by saying that I loved her (bro tip: never, ever say this after you kiss for the first time!). Next day, she was gone. I was devastated and heartbroken, I became depressed. I did not understand why I could not manage to get a girlfriend or get laid.
Then I decided to take things in my own hands. No more would I be guided by feelings for other persons. It was me against the world. I started to improve myself, organise my life, finding a purpose, reading books, researching how my body works (one of the reasons I want to stop porn), researching how attraction works, and so on and so forth. I learned to control my feelings and thoughts sort of say. I set multiple goals to orient myself, two of them were: get a girlfriend, lose my virginity. Important was that I also gave myself a time limit of a year.
But when I was 22 I crushed on a girl again, she was perfect (bla bla bla), and I was very resolute and asked her out. After one date she turned me down. I was not devastated as in previous occasions, I was incredibly disappointed but now I just did not care anymore. I felt that I was still the same. I had my own goals in life, and if she did not want to be part of my life, fine. My "transformation" was complete. One month later, I got laid, I noticed I got more attention from girls which I had not had before (or did not notice because I would be blinded by my crushes). And now I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl.
I stopped caring what others thought of me. I made my own perspective of "me", and since then everything changed.