Virgin in my 30's: Am I a loser ?

Damn! That's messed up for that piece of trash guy to do that to you . Also, I'm sure that you're an amazing person, and any real man would be lucky to have you. Your best bet would be to be emotionally and mentally intimate with a man (if you decide to date) before doing any kind of sexual activities. I also recommend that you should speak to people that you care about, and spend more time with them. Don't worry, though! I'm sure that everything will work out for you in the end!

 

Having sex doesn't automatically make a guy a "man." What makes a man is his attitude, his behavior, etc. Just like taking a penis inside of your vagina doesn't automatically make you a "woman."

 

Says the one who's on this website for his PMO addiction (I'm assuming) LOL XD. Sex is not everything, so how is that person a loser?

 

Sex is easier for other primates. They don't talk about sexual history and some might not even remember it. You don't have to tell them. Maybe if find someone more sexually conservative they would appreciate you more.
Maybe you have a fear of intimacy.








Five Ways to Avoid Intimacy

The Conscious Relationship Series #4
by Allan Hardman


When an apprentice called me to tell me his wife was thinking about leaving him, he was mystified about what more she could want from him. He worked hard, supported her so she could be a stay-at-home Mom, he mowed the lawn, and kept the oil changed in the car. He was always busy with tasks and duties to support his family. He was feeling unappreciated, and helpless to get it right for her.

In other writings, I have shared my definition of intimacy as “our willingness to be open and present and share ourselves with others.” I have also described how we lost our connection with our feelings during our childhood domestication, when we were made wrong and punished for them. As adults, to be open and share ourselves with others carries the same fear that it did when we were young. We cannot afford to be present and known as ourselves because of the danger of being rejected, cast out, abandoned, punished, or worse.

So the intimacy we crave is, at the same time, our biggest fear. It is not surprising that many of us have created strategies, mostly during childhood, to protect us from being seen and being known. I offer you here five of the ways people in our culture have learned to avoid intimacy.

When I listened to the story of my apprentice, I noticed that he had many judgments about his wife. He complained about her lack of attention to him because she was always rushing off to help friends, strangers, and causes in need. He told me he wasn't really attracted to her because she wasn't taking care of herself and her body the way she used to. My apprentice had many justifications for being distant from the woman that he was afraid of losing.

In our conversation, my apprentice illustrated two major strategies anyone can use to avoid intimacy with their beloved.

#1: Stay very busy. Always make sure you don't have time to sit, be present, and share with your beloved. She might find out that you are not who you pretend to be. Projects are more important than people. Focus on getting a lot of things done and done well. If you can sacrifice yourself in the process, you can make the other person feel guilty for complaining about your lack of presence.

#2: Judge the other person. Whether it is out loud or silently to yourself, make sure you find and illuminate their faults. This will justify your not wanting to be present with them. It also serves to validate your superiority. When you rise above them, you don't need to be intimate.

It turned out that my apprentice's wife was also illustrating a couple of good strategies for us. She was constantly overwhelmed by taking care of her husband, children, and home, the aging family dog, and her many social and ecological causes. In her rush to get everything done and take care of everyone else, she was not taking good care of herself and her own needs—she said she wanted to, but couldn't find the time. She gives us…

#3: Be a caretaker of others. Caretake to hide. You really want to be intimate, but you are needed elsewhere. When the chores are done, the kids are in bed, all your needy friends have been heard and consoled, the old dog is spoon-fed, and the whales are saved, then you will have time to go for a walk, take a weekend off together, or sit and talk.

#4: Become unattractive. If your partner finds you unattractive, he might not want to relate deeply. Gain some weight, stop using makeup, wear baggy clothes. If you are a man, gain some weight, shave irregularly, and belch regularly.

#5: Anything else you can think of! Do whatever it takes to avoid being seen and known. Drink a bit too much wine at dinner and fall asleep on the couch. Be addicted to TV sports. Work late. Make sure all conversations are intellectual, scientific, or political-- not personal. Remember you need to call a friend, check your e-mail, or finish your novel when your beloved has that "I want to talk" look. Read to the kids and fall asleep on their bed. Be angry, depressed, or stay in La La Land. Tell jokes, gossip, teach or preach-- anything but be real.

There is no need to practice. For many people, these great strategies for avoiding intimacy come naturally. They were learned long ago, and have been mastered through years of practice.

 

1. Remind yourself why you are here.
2. Don't expect people to be considerate of your opinion when you make name calling comments like that.
3. How rough is the process you're going through, would you want someone to say that to you?
I know the last thing I want to do is push guilt on others, ESPECIALLY here where they should be welcomed with open arms.

 

Thanks for sharing.

I read the replys of the 1st page, wow theirs lots.

Not sure if you know how many non alcoholic vegetarians are living or on this site, probably not many who share a similar mindset. You probably know whats best for yourself bra. Spend more time 'meditating' / pondering about why your choosing your life like that, that would be my recommendation. off the top of my head, growing up with your moms personality probably snowballed a few things in a direction for you that probably has some sort of significance we cant see yet?

Im 31m, had a few long term semi-regular relationships. I always mention to my few friends how I think it would be awesome to be a virgin actually! In my mind I wouldnt be hindered by constantly thinking about sex ect....! Im serious! and Iv said it many times! Iv gone a few short times without fapp'n and I felt pretty charged. But Im sure you have spent a decent amount of time still thinking about sex still, guess we just cant win in our dualistic human world eh? Maybe it would help if we just realized the struggle. Probably not.

Maybe we could like switch bodies for a few years ? Thatd be cool! hehe! I know a guy that has a lab!

Let me know how your making out bro! pm me. i just got on here today so I could use some support to help me from wacking off! haha!

cheers!!

 

H

Hey there!Sex is not any holy grail.Try out new activities and sports .I'm sure you'll get into a good social group,meet like minded people and maybe even find your right person!!

 

Hello bra131217

English is not my main language

I had sex with a woman at 33 yrs old ...

I can understand you ...

I did not read all the thread ...

Do you wanna be more social and to have a gf or casual sex partners?


I can help you maybe ...

To date I struggle with fapping and prostitutes addiction, although I know some things about how to be a social person ...

Believe me ...

If you want advice PM me and I will post my thoughts on this thread ...

Bye ...

 

For the benefit of all my good friend suggested buying this book by blogger Mark Manson called Models. I am currently reading it now and its changing the way i look and think about women overnight. I think its a great guide to being better with women

 

Look, I'm going to express my opinion on this subject, because I'm in the same situation. I don't think you're a "loser" being a virgin in your 30's, but it's definitely not OK. Of course everyone who's a virgin, has his/her reasons to be like that. The causes may be pornography, sexual molestation as a kid, psychological issues, religious beliefs, a specific mindset about sex, not much free time (why not?!). But I personally think it's not normal and sounds bad also.

Of course I don't mean one must have sex at a very young age, but at the same time being a virgin in your 30+ isn't nice either. It's not about sex itself, but mostly about "connecting" with another human, with your body and spirit.

 

I have some advice for you. Read `The way of the superior man`by David Deda. Try to understand as much as you can (it is sometimes hard to understand this guy) and then APPLY IT DAILY. It will take time until u make it a habbit, but you may find it useful.

#beTHEwarrior

 

Any woman that laughs in your face or ignores you for something so meaningless is a joke in and of themselves. Do you really care about the opinions of people like that? Do you want a relationship from people like that? I know I wouldn't. This doesn't define you as a person in the least. You say you take pride in keeping yourself fit and healthy; that's more than 90% of the population can say about themselves. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you man just focus on improving yourself and everything else, including women, will fall into place.

 

The only opinion that matters is your own. Why you need our validation asking us if you're a loser or not? Nobody is a loser.

I don't recommend to tell a girl you're a virgin. Well, if you want to try this experience, the next time you tell say something like this: "You know I´m a virgin...BY CHOICE!". Watch their faces change when you say it is your choice. But hey, every girl is different. There are very cool girls...but there are also very cold girls that will try to make you feel bad about that because they want to feel good degrading you.

I don't recommend hiring escorts because many things can happen. For example, breaking the condom or other things. We never know what might happen...

I think you have to work on your foundations (as well as we all have to). If you respect yourself the girls will too.

Start to ask yourself these questions:

- What gives my life meaning? What I like to do? What are those things I do that I feel comfortable doing?

- Is there anything so special about myself that only I can give to the world?

- What are my dreams?

- What are my values? Would I die for something? Would I live for something?

You know you can be very helpful to people who are experiencing what you are going through.

When you become confortable in your own skin all things will fall into place.

Stay strong!

 

Sex has become such a staple of the culture we live in that it can dehumanize people that aren't so familiar with it. Which is unfair, people are complex beings with a range of emotions and social circumstances that make them who they are. People are different, and just because everything is one way for a group of society doesn't mean it has to be the same for the other. Sex is great when it's with the right person, but that shouldn't be the objective, that should be the awesome added bonus. You should get out there, socalize, find what make you who you are, find what you want in a person, find what you don't want in yourself. Work at it, don't stress, and the rest will fall into place naturally.

 

Wow it's never crossed my mind to take charge of the conversation like that, every other time I've admitted I know I sound guilty and would never hold eye contact. You're too awesome for the questions too, I like to ask them occasionally but I'm beginning to ask them more and more often now. It's like my brain has rewired itself for improvement rather than the self deprivation of the past.

 

this is so true, sadly how much women are just bitches to some really good boys because they (women/girls) want to raise their confidence...

 

Thank you. Just trying to help you guys (and myself).

Yeah, practice makes perfection when it comes to approaching people in general and girls. At a given point you don't think so much about being "rejected" (it's their loss anyway).

Well, in your "quest" to approach women I will say that some will "compensate" the many that will "reject" you. I knew (and know) one that is drop dead gorgeous and very cool that has worth the many I had aproached previously. She reminds me of the girl portrayed by Mila Kunis in the movie "Ted". Drop dead gorgeous and with a beautiful personality. Wow.

I remember the first time I saw her at the University. I was stunned by her looks. I remember thinking "So beautiful. I have to introduce myself to her. No matter if it's the last thing I'll do in my life". I didn't see her during 3 months. But after those 3 months I saw her exiting the university. And I was exiting too. "The opportunity I was longing for as finally presented to me" - I remember thinking. I don't remember what was the last time I was so full of adrenaline. And fear. And scared to death actually. I was scared to death. My only thought was "What will I say first? How can I initiate the conversation?". She was going to the same place I was going too. The subway. (yeaaaahhh!) I remember taking deep breaths and motivating myself. She answered the phone and I thought I could not talk to her. But fortunately she hang up after a few seconds. When the subway stopped at the station and she was preparing to enter (as I was) I asked: "Hey, you're studying at the (...) university right?". She was a bit surprised but she was so friendly and so cool. We talked about 5 minutes 'cause I had to exit the subway. I didn't ask for the phone number right away 'cause I didn't want to scare her...she barely knew me. Later I found her in a social network and we began talking. And she remembered me. And we are close friends now. And she backed me up in very difficult times and things I went through. As I am doing for her.

So, if you see someone drop dead gorgeous, so drop dead gorgeous that intimidates you it's a signal you have to approach her. Go for it! These are those kind of girls that make life worth living. And you'll become stronger. You'll be able to easily start a conversation with drop dead gorgeous girls. And your self confidence will rise to the rooftop too.

"Remembering that you're going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose..." - Steve Jobs

 

No, you're not a loser.

Telling a woman shyly vs with confidence that you're a virgin could trigger their judgement. Be proud and say it with confidence. It's no different than making a sale. You have to be the one to motivated to close the deal, and not every deal is worth pursuing.

So don't short your stock just because superficial women can't see the reason to go long on the investment.

 

You are NOT a loser.

It's true

 

Primal scenes ?