Visor in borderland - How to destroy a relationship before start

Hi guys, I feel a little sad right now for the way I manage social relationships and dating.

She asked me to go out and drink something. She's another girl I'm dating with. Here come my border and obsessive traits: I like her. When I'm dating with a girl I don't like very very much I feel free to avoid sending messages as response in a reasonable time and I justify my position to myself with "One is not forced to chat all the time", "We just have to know better each other", "We are only friends" but I'm too much narcisistic to let 'em go. My self-esteem lies upon being desired.

But I like her and to be honest I have to admit most probably I like her because she's socially attractive. I would have said "She is not enough tall for me" if she was not so much popular on social or attractive in her selfies. It's like I never had a girl like her and I cannot miss the opportunity.

My thoughts have suddenly changed when she started responding briefly. "She never contacts me", "How many times should I message her?", "She no longer likes me", "She's not much tall", "She's cheating me", "She's talking with her ex", "Should I continue to go out with the other two girls?".

I've got to make order in my thoughts. This is the old cicle reborned. I think I don't really love her. I don't even like her completely. It's more of an obsession.

Here also is the difference between a complete borderline and one who has traits. I don't stalk her, I don't obsessively contact her. She doesn't know. I only suffer from all that thinking. I imagine her and me together and I'm scared of the boredom of a relationship. I'd talk to her about my problems and my feelings but I'm scared to be refused.

I don't want to fail another relationship. I don't want to wait too much time cause she could leave but I need more time. I feel like I'm loosing my lifetime in it so that I would run but I haven't yet learned how to walk.

I always say I'm not such a great person when it comes to relations and I feel guilty to be so materialist. And worst of all I've been this way for all my life: I never really fell in love.

I feel a little no-way.

 

I found it useful to read the post Recovery Can Only Occur With Absolute Honesty. Thanks @GG2002 for sharing your considerations.