Waiting a year.

A place for rebooters to meet and discuss 12-Step programs in conjunction with their reboot

  1. There’s a suggestion in my group of waiting till one has a year of being sexually sober before even considering dating. It’s been a source of dilemma for me, causing me to relapse several times. I understand the logic of the suggestion and am not arguing against it. I was curious if anyone has any tips or suggestions to help deal with those thoughts when they pop into my head?
    It seems like it’s a source of stress for me as of late, more than before.
     
  2. Gef.71

    Gef.71 Fapstronaut

    Hi Discerning_Dubearte I am sorry to hear that this has been a source of stress for you. Are you saying that you have had the opportunity to date but have chosen not to because you want to protect your sobriety, or is it that you want to search out a date but the suggestions given on this is causing the dilemma?
     
  3. The suggestion is causing a dilemma,since i have some desire to date. I am starting to see women look my way, not sure if that’s what really is happening or my inner addict grasping to act out. I had a few month periods the two years I’ve been in the program, including a 4 month span. I realized that desire causes me to slip on my program since it leads me to fantasy.
     
  4. Gef.71

    Gef.71 Fapstronaut

    As you already have experience with meetings, I apologise in advance if I state anything that is already obvious to you- the suggestions are made for a reason (after a certain length of sobriety you are more likely to be in a stronger and more informed position to make decisions and take action on things that have the potential to threaten your sobriety), but try not to get too hung up on them, there are intricacies to consider (personal circumstances, acting out history, ect) and not everyone will run into problems on this. As far as desire goes, maybe ask yourself- what am I fantasizing about and what are my motives for wanting to date?
    Remember also, that the steps are designed as a bridge to normal what ever that is living or in this case a healthy sex life.
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2020
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  5. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    @Discerning_Dubearte As @Gef 71 says, each of us comes from a different place. Dating is not a bad thing, if a woman comes your way then why not get to know her? That's what I'm doing. The important thing is to not have sexual relations with her. I'm following the SA definition of sobriety which is sex is between a married man and woman. With the lady I'm seeing she actually brought up the topic of relationships and sex. Basically I said relationships are slowly developed and sex is for after marriage. Also, I let her know fairly early on I had an issue with pornography. She has yet to run the other direction. For reference, we first met for coffee late July and my last porn and masturbation binge was early March. In 2019 I had a sober period from porn and masturbation for nine months so I did have bouts of physical sobriety under my belt. Covid-19 was actually great for my SA meeting attendance as I was actually able to finally make two meetings a week via Zoom.

    A big help was her giving me a devotional book which we started going over via phone near daily in September and her encouragement of Bible reading. As for actual lust hits, I've taken on to reciting the Lords Prayer.

    Another prayer: "God, show me who this woman really is and not who I want her to be."

    The way I'm looking at it is it's going to take some discomfort for me to view women in the correct light and change a lifetime of wrong thinking. Now I'm at the point where I believe I can take more steps to face this discomfort. While I'm not perfect (and never will be) I do have supports in place I did not have before. I do not face this alone.

    "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and the wisdom to know the difference."

    edit:

    "Living one day at a time;
    enjoying one moment at a time;
    accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    that I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    forever in the next.
    Amen."

    A healthy final thought. The woman does not cause us to lose sobriety, we do that to ourselves.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2020
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  6. Thank you
     
  7. Gef.71

    Gef.71 Fapstronaut

    Also, I think it's worth noting that not all twelve step organisations dealing with this addiction have the same definition of sexual sobriety.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2020
    Discerning_Dubearte and Minsc like this.
  8. That’s true but I also follow the SA definition
     
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  9. Gef.71

    Gef.71 Fapstronaut

    I find some of the SA literature very helpful. There aren't many meetings in UK, it's mainly SAA here.
     
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  10. There are many phone meetings(Daily) if you are ok with that.
     
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