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Walking away

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by justaboutdone, Mar 16, 2022.

  1. justaboutdone

    justaboutdone Fapstronaut

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    When I married my husband, I was sure it was forever. I always said I'd never remarry unless I knew it would last.
    Yet, here I am. Not quite 5 years, and I'm leaving.
    In my defense, I didn't know the man I was marrying. I didn't know the secret he hid so well. If I had, I most certainly would've walked away then.
    I love him. I won't deny that. I also won't deny that despite his addiction, he's a good man. We've made a lot of memories together, had a lot of good times too, but every time I think back on them, they are tainted with the shadow of the truth.
    We were magical, him and I. Everyone thought we were special. I thought I was special. Yet, I never was, I know that now. I could never measure up. Not to the blonde in a bikini at my son's birthday party my husband couldn't keep his eyes off of. Not the brunette running down the street in her sports bra and yoga pants that my husband nearly drove off the rode to stare at. Not to the hundreds and thousands of woman in this world that I will every day be in competition with.
    I was a good wife to my husband. I supported him in all of his decisions, whether I thought they were good or bad. I never questioned him about what he was doing, where he was going. We had a great sex life for the most part. I never said no unless I was sick or injured or something. I bought him gifts, sometimes randomly, because I loved to spoil him, I loved to make him smile.
    All the while, he was lying to me. About any and everything he could. Where he ate lunch, the apps he would install and uninstall before coming home, smoking, using his credit cards to hide his spending. And the pornography and masturbation. He promised he had stopped and never would again. I was more important. More lies laid on top of more lies. It was never ending, and now, nothing he says do I believe. I've heard it all before, a dozen times or more.
    He doesn't want me to see anyone locally for therapy because he wants to keep his secret, so I have no one to talk to but him. He promised he would be there for me, but every time I try to talk, to ask questions, he gets explosively angry. He will start hitting himself and calling himself names, all the while repeating that he's not doing anything wrong. All I wanted to know is if there were triggers, and why he didn't talk to his sponsor like he was supposed to. He got angry because I don't have the right to know what his triggers are, and it's his recovery, for him to do it his way, not the way his sponsor thinks he should, or that I think he should.
    Yet, I'm supposed to do things his way. I'm supposed to forgive, when he isn't taking the steps to prove he's keeping his word.
    I'm supposed to move on, and when I start to move just a tiny bit in that direction, it's his cue that he can stop trying.
    So, I'm done. I'm giving up. I'm no longer fighting for him, for us. I can't be the only one. He wants to hold on to pieces of his addiction, like objectifying women, because he's a man and that's what men do. They look at women to decide if they want to fuck them or not. That's normal. Nothing wrong with that. I should just be happy he's not as bad as some men.
    I'm canceling my subscription to his issues. I have removed all of his monitoring apps and I have blocked his number. I will be happy again. Someday. But never will it ever involve a partner again.
    Tomorrow, I will start the process of dissolving our life together, one piece at a time, until all that remains are the memories of us. I wish him the best, and I hope that he someday finds whatever he keeps looking for in all the women I have to watch him ogle. I hope he finds it, and when he does, I hope it's enough for him. I hope he never makes any one else ever feel the way I have the past 15 months since D-day. I hope he never makes another person feel as useless and worthless and unworthy and unattractive as he made me feel as he undressed woman before my very eyes.
    I didn't deserve this. I just wanted to love him forever.
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    For most of us this is where we end up. After years of trying, most continue to lie and cheat, either virtually or irl…. sad thing is most wives/so really try and want to make it work. Most sex addicts don’t really want give up their addiction or do the work it requires. They will adamantly and repeatedly say that they do, then continue “ relapsing” day after day, month after month, year after year. Then pat themselves on the back if they reach 90 days clean. Even losing their SO doesn’t give them the push they need to get clean. You didn’t deserve this. You deserve to feel safe and loved, wanted, desired, cared for. All things a sex addict just cannot provide. You’re strong. You will get through this. Believe in yourself. Good luck. Be compassionate with yourself. Surround yourself with people who care about you and get support!
     
  3. BrokenHeart 2

    BrokenHeart 2 Fapstronaut

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    Son of Arathorn and +TenPercent like this.
  4. LonelyStar

    LonelyStar Fapstronaut

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    I cried about your story because I knoe what you are going through and I hope at least you are ok. You did the right thing. There is nothing you can do if the other part does not want to do anything. He is ruining his life and the person that loves him, but yet he doesn't care. Far from now, this is the worst feeling i've come up with. So take care of yourself and heal.
     

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