Want to know more about Boundaries?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by EyesWideOpen, Jun 20, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    And watch out for secret cell phones, lap tops, and iPads. Thing is , my PA said to me...”my addiction is between my ears and there is nothing you can do about it. I can think and fantasize all I want and you will never know!”
    Right from the beginning I’ve said this is the motherlode of addictions. This is truly a test in the practise of the serenity prayer.
     
  2. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Agreed. I think that is what makes this addiction so destructive-it's an addiction to fantasy.
     
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    On the contrary, I believe your wife did set a boundary, it just wasn't in a formal list like is mentioned here. She finally got to the point where she said for her personal emotional safety, you had to give up porn or she had to leave. It may be only one boundary, but it was a boundary, nonetheless.

    As for p-subs, i think that is very individual for every couple. We didn't have boundaries for a very long time. I felt the same way as mentioned here...if it wasn't his own doing, I didn't want it. For our situation, he did want it, however he struggled with not only defining p-subs for himself but also with using them the same way he had previously used hard porn. So we discussed setting up a boundaries list and defined p-subs, which may be different for him than they are for others. But they kept him tied to his addiction, brain fog and M-ing.

    The other important thing we included was defining every form of lying he was prone to using. Being stuck in the addict brain with the p-subs, he was finding ways to justify it, so we defined it together and put it in our list.

    He found it incredibly helpful to have everything defined and on paper and appreciated using it as another tool for accountability. It has been a game changer in his recovery. We only had to use one consequence once and we made the list well over a year ago.
     
    fuzzywaz, Sadgirl, kropo82 and 2 others like this.
  4. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

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    Hi

    Wow, I have been looking for this!! Yes to boundaries. I have been wanting to do this with my boyfriend and not sure how to approach it. We had the talk; the I am done if you don't want to change talk. I asked him to provide me with things he will do to alleviate his triggers and make it not so accessible (parental controls, wifi off after a certain time ect.) And what happens if he relapses? He was unable to make a plan, I hate this...he says i just wont do it. I need to know he is seriously wanting to help himself. So, I have some questions:

    1. How do I/we set the boundaries?
    2. If I/we set boundaries, I am afraid he won't be forthcoming about his relapses due to the consequences.
    3. What types of boundaries should we set?
     
  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Lostneverland likes this.
  6. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    I am am here now at the same place as you because I didn't have strong boundaries. You can't just put your stock in faith and love and hope for the best. Look to past behaviors to predict future behavior.
    Has he lied, hid, gaslighted you in the past?? Chances are he will just do the same thing again. IF YOU ARE NOT SEEING CONSISTENT AND CONTINUED WORK HE IS LIKELY USING!!!!
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2019
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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