Wanting to be dominated

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Jan 24, 2022.

  1. Im a straight male in my 30s married with children. Over the years watching porn and PMO I started with straight porn and then moved onto transwoman porn. I watched gay porn sometimes but found the transwoman stuff more a turn on because I could imagine being the women getting dominated by the man. The straight porn no longer did it for me and I started to get more and more attracted to transwomen in these videos.
    Even though I still find my wife attractive I have this fantasy of being dominated by a transwoman or a man and even getting penetrated. I find straight sex does not really turn me on any longer. At one point I even thought I might be gay but I do not find men attractive but I do get turned on by a penis.
    I am on day 8 of no PMO. I have had urges here and there but the urge to be dominated has gotten even stronger.
    Just before I decided to stop PMO I even tried finding transwomen in my area but could not find any that looked feminine enough so that did not go ahead. I have tried to hook up with men in the past but always backed out in the last minute. I feel very ashamed and confused my morals and beliefs go totally agaisnt this and I do not want to cheat on my wife. Will these feelings and fantasies ever go away with time?
    Beekind likes this.
  2. Ray S

    Ray S Fapstronaut

    So you have this.

    I notice your tendencies are really present and hard to ignore.

    What do you want for your life now?

    To have the urges go away.

    I am afraid this is not going to happen.
  3. Paul123

    Paul123 Fapstronaut

    Hi @Jay971,

    my feelings are quite similar to yours. Nevertheless, I am on Day 2 today because I believe that sexual preferences CAN change. It already did, when you started with “normal” porn, changing to transwoman or gay porn. So why shouldn't it change again?
    This might take time and a lot of energy. But I can not see a reason why these feelings and fantasies should not go away.
    YesICant, Fe2 eric8 and Jay971 like this.
  4. XanderZzz

    XanderZzz Fapstronaut

    Don’t know the full story of your home situation but - is this anything you could talk to your wife about? Is there any space (fully respecting her boundaries) to have any of this type of play/energy with your partner in, what you both deem, a healthy way?
    Tannhauser likes this.
  5. Yes this is what im hoping for that as my brain gets rewired these urges and fantasies will go but im afraid they might get stronger.
  6. I cannot discuss this with my wife as I have tried in the past but it did not go well. We do not have the best relationship as my lack of interest in her over the last few months has caused us to drift apart and caused many problems. I already know from past experience she will not be comfortable with any of my fantasies.
  7. RadiantFalcon382

    RadiantFalcon382 Fapstronaut

    Hiya! I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in the sense of wanting to be dominated by a woman! As a junior in highschool, my dream was to have a dominate gf and I began to fall in love with futa hentai/art (females with penises). I know that its a struggle to overcome this, and I'm still fighting it myself. I'm not the best person to give info, but I just wanted to tell you I was here for you! We can do this together.
    Jay971 likes this.
  8. Thank you so much this means a lot. Its good to know im not alone in this journey.
  9. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    Although P has twisted your sexual thinking and desires, think about it this way:

    1. What if you actually engaged with another man as anally penetrating you. Do you think that would really satisfy that inner desire of yours? Or, is that just the fantasy of it speaking from the addict self? The same way that we think PMO will satisfy us, but we find the devastating lie of PMO each time once engaged, and we feel like complete shit afterwards, I posit that the same would happen to you right after having sex with a man - it won't fulfill the inner need. It's really a lie. You'd feel like shit, big time.

    2. They often say that sexual dreams have very little to do with sex. Think about the possibility that sexual temptations to act out, especially unnaturally, really don't have anything to do with sex either. What if the very blatant sexual images in your fantasies are just highly evolved sexual symbolisms of what your inner, wounded self is seeking. In other words, fantasies of sex with other men could represent your inner desire to be protected/cuddled by a father or big brother, some emasculation you perceive in yourself, or it could be a desire to overcome a wounded masculine self (as wounded by dominant females in the past, or male bashing in society, or the humiliation from male bullies, etc.). What better symbol of getting a big dose of the masculinity you feel you need then getting a big inoculation of a male penis up your backside. Oral fantasies may be similar - a man may feel the need to feed on the masculinity that he lost and craves to regain again. But, we don't achieve our masculinity back that way - neither orally nor anally. But, in the end, the root of the temptations is always about an inner need of intimacy or lost masculinity that you are craving. Just as PMO always fails to satisfy the urge, so would acting out the actual sexual fantasy with another male or transwoman. It's not a sexual/genital issue; it's a much deeper need you're trying to medicate with sexual addiction and fetishes.

    Last edited: Jan 24, 2022
    PeterGrip and Jay971 like this.
  10. This has really made me think as I was bullied as a child and this really effected my confidence. I am overall not a confident person even though that has improved a lot as I have got older.
    It is possible that over the years of porn use this has somehow triggered something in my brain and made me think I need to be submissive. I am starting to realise day by day as I go through this journey how much PMO messed me up and how much damage it can cause. This is much deeper than just getting off infront of your laptop or smartphone.
    +TenPercent, Tannhauser and JoeinUSA like this.
  11. Reborn66

    Reborn66 Fapstronaut

    step back from porn and masterbation.your urge to be dominated may get stronger at first but should weaken in time.non of the advice you get off this site is any good unless you stay off pmo.
    in time when your back to your self your true sexual self your true will emerge and only then will you know what is truly within yourself and not porn induced.
    if it is to be dominated so be it
  12. This is a brilliant point. I think a lot of us (including myself) have a tendency to get ahead of ourselves, but the real evaluation should happen once the PMO addiction is managed.

    Good reminder not to put the cart in front of the horse.
    Jay971 likes this.
  13. reboot_8716

    reboot_8716 Fapstronaut

    my recommendation as someone with somewhat similar desires (never into trans but into femdom and same sex intimacy) is to take a break from porn for a prolonged period and wait and see if it changes anything. At the same time I don’t think it’s healthy to be harsh against yourself if even absent porn you find that you still have these interests. Our society has very rigid ideas of what a man is supposed to look like and be interested in when it comes to sex and that can lead a lot of people to repress who they are, and that is an issue completely separate from porn addiction.

    i can speak from some experience. For a long time I was focused on shaming myself for being into things like bondage and pegging, and even went to a therapist to try and come to terms with it. But I did eventually accept it as part of who I was, and engaged in those activities with a supportive partner. It was definitely better for my mental health and overall well being, but the big thing was it wasn’t porn. some kinks I did like when I was watching a lot of porn I found I did not enjoy in person (chastity) but others I found were exactly what I hoped they would be. Through that I was able to figure out what desires were porn induced and what ones were natural for me.

    It was the same with male intimacy. I was intrigued by it probably from 12 years old but kept it very repressed. I eventually worked out my emotions and with the support of my wife went and had sex with a man. It affirmed my preference remained with women, but it also allowed me to feel at peace with myself. That’s now a standing offer I can do if I want, as well as permission to visit a dominatrix. But I have no desire to watch these things in porn anymore. It’s either real life or nothing. But the mental anguish I had about them is completely gone.

    again, I’m not saying you have to explore desires that you have if you think they’re porn related. In fact you should try to rule that out before doing anything by abstaining from porn. But I am saying that if you still find absent porn you are into those things, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing real intimacy with a supporting partner, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for it.
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2022
    Reborn66, Paul123 and Robert.G99 like this.
  14. jcl1990

    jcl1990 Fapstronaut

    Well, you should not cheat on your wife no matter what. What is going on is these porn videos are messing with your mind

    here is a suggestion: never again masturbate to that kind of porn. IF you are going to relapse, ONLY watch lesbian porn or solo female porn. THATS ALL. Only stick to those categories.

    I’ve watched some strange porn before, but I notice when I watched lesbian porn, I don’t feel as bad. It is more naturally in tune with who we are as men, although still bad to do. BUT if you are going to PMO anyways, just make sure it’s lesbian porn. Still bad to do, but better than the usual
    Jay971 likes this.
  15. trylifeagain

    trylifeagain Fapstronaut

    In your initial post, you haven't given everyone a proper understanding of where this had come from. The way you wrote your post sounds like one day you woke up and just started itching for this fantasy. You don't really give us much of a background of how much porn you have been watching, and how this upsetting and potentially threatening desire, has arisen.

    I point this out because as I am now on my recovery road, and am examining internally all of the various fantasies and desires that have evolved into what has become out of hand for me, it becomes clear that something hadn't been enough, and more was needed--more stimulation, more excitement, more novelty. The part about seeking out transwomen who had to be feminine looking gave me a chuckle as it sounded like the familiar need of a person buzzed on this new sexual obsession, and yet also needing the demands of that phantasm in our mind to be met without any compromise. It's a sort of shizophrenic fantasy world where you're chasing not a gay man, but a penis, but a mix between a woman and a man, one with dominance but also femininity, and so on.

    Your post has a kind of panic about the fantasy. A hope it leaves. But in a way, these things probably weren't there for so many years. Have you tried tracing, almost like a genealogy, all of your fantasies and sexual obsessions over the years? I think you'll find that the earlier ones, while no more authentic than the current one, probably disappeared also. I've a feeling your addiction/obsession, pardon the terms, have pushed you into more disturbing levels of novelty, and you have not really ever gotten any control over your impulses. This is where you are at right now. It will go away when you can objectify it as something that doesn't need to be seen as a part of you, but rather an effect of this whole wayward evolution of your sexual obsessions.

    You're lucky, by the way, you haven't been caught looking for these "transwomen," out in the wild. Sounds like you hid this from your wife pretty damned well.
  16. reboot_8716

    reboot_8716 Fapstronaut

    thanks! I know the advice may seem counter to what others think which defaults to “it’s all porn just stop watching and repress it” but in my own experience that didn’t work and in fact made me feel a hell of a lot worse on a daily basis. I couldn’t stop obsessing over the desires because I felt like I was putting myself in a position where I could never have them. Once I did, they ceased to be this big heavy thing in my psyche.

    one thing is I’m lucky I have a spouse who recognized the pain and was okay with non monogamy and with trying out the kinks. I know most in relationships unfortunately won’t be as lucky. But I think everyone owes it to themselves to find out who they truly are - again, separate from porn - and learn to accept and embrace it without guilt or shame.

  17. Literally one of the most retarded things I've ever read smh
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  18. jcl1990

    jcl1990 Fapstronaut

    I don’t think it’s that bad of an idea. We get programmed by what we watch, by what we read, by our daily life experiences. Everything we experience plus our own internal processes sort of shape who we are.

    OP, as a straight male, doesn’t like the kind of porn he has been watching and some of his desires he has been having.

    I apologize in my response to him that I didn’t write “what the natural desire is for a straight male”. That was a wrong world view and didn’t take into account the broader truth of different male sexual orientations. Sorry about that

    I only wrote that response because OP didn’t want to have his current desires. So, in a way, lesbian porn is the exact opposite. And in my own experience, again as a straight male, I found after watching lesbian porn that I didn’t feel as “off” as when I watched more hardcore stuff.

    But that’s just my experience. I’m not expert, but just wanted to give an “out of the box” type thinking idea
    Reborn66 likes this.

  19. the mentality to view ANY porn fueling addictive behavior is what I was referring to, but thank you for your nice reply and acknowledgement of different orientations <3
    jcl1990 likes this.

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