Wanting to become the man I was meant to be

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by dannyboy91, Aug 26, 2020.

  1. dannyboy91

    dannyboy91 Fapstronaut

    Back to day 1 again.

    I could give the reasons why I feel I relapsed, however they may just come across as excuses. There is really no excuse for me to use P, webcam roulette sites or anything else. I have come to realise that this I my way of self-soothing. It has been since I was 11 or 12. I have brought this into my marriage which is so shit.

    I have done 12 steps and SAA, need to get back involved in this again.

    My wife does not deserve a man who looks for something (some twisted sense of fulfillment/comfort) in another woman. She does not deserve the hiding, the deceit.

    I need to find healthier ways of dealing with negative emotions. This addiction feels so deeply entrenched that I don't feel I can ever escape it. I hold on to the hope that there is a way out, that there is a better way of life for me.

    I did not picture myself being the man child I am today. I am choosing to take steps towards becoming who I was meant to be - A man of integrity, humility and strength.

    The first step is to open up with my wife again and tell her what has happened. When I relapse it tends to be a binge over a few days/week and then I just go back to intense shame and get stuck in that cycle.

    Does anyone else find it hard to admit defeat and relapses to your SO? I tend to not talk about the smaller slips, like psubs, from fear of upsetting her, but then this deceit then allows me to justify further slips which then leads to full-blown relapse. If only I would just man up and tell her straight away!
  2. Hey dannyboy91, good luck starting again with your recovery.

    There is definitely a way of getting out of this addiction. I've been clean for nearly a year now and the first step for me was actually telling my wife. I spent a long time struggling on my own and not taking it very seriously.

    It was definitely hard for me to talk to my wife about it. She was understandably upset but it's actually allowed me to have her as a proper source of accountability. As addicts we often make the excuse that it will hurt our partners by telling them but in reality it hurts them more to not tell them. One thing that I do is write my journal every day and share that with my wife. This allows her to know what's going on in my recovery.

    You've said yourself that you are choosing to take steps towards becoming who you are meant to be. The important thing to remember is that you always have that choice. Sure this addiction tries to get you to do certain things but you have the power to make positive decisions. The more positive choices you make, the easier it gets.

    Good luck with your journey!
  3. Haden

    Haden New Fapstronaut

    I feel for you bud....
    You're mirroring my life til six months ago....
    Two books I reccomemd....
    1) no.more Mr nice guy....by Dr Robert Glover...
    Don't read into the title....... It'll tell you why your stuck,in this pattern.....it opened my eyes to who I was and made me want to change....
    2) The way of the superior man by David Deida.......would definatlty download the audio book and listen to it over and over again....... It'll help you become the man you want to be.........
    I'm mid forties and had had a daily addiction since early teens........the first book was recommend to me .....I literally hated myself and what I was doing to my marriage.... But couldn't stop my obsession with porn......
    The first book helped me realise why I was doing it.....my flaws and why I had the flaws and what to do about it.......the second book was the guide of how to be a good man.....and a good husband.......its all the stuff we should of been taught and should teach our sons....
    As soon as I read the first book then listened to the second I quite porn......haven't looked back once....not felt the need....
    That was six months ago......I now feel like the man I always wanted to be....
    You're questioning yourself so.you're half way there..........you've just gotta see it through...
    Take care.
  4. rut66

    rut66 Fapstronaut

    This, and your courageous post, are inspiring for me. You always start today. I try to Imagine my 55-year-old self talking with me, being so happy that I started when I did. I've got regrets, but all I have is now.

    Keep going...
    dannyboy91 likes this.
  5. rb95

    rb95 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your honesty in the post. I feel a lot of the same way with my SO. We have been dating since we were 17, we are now 25, and I struggle a lot with being honest about this with her. She is aware, we have discussed me joining this forum and some other things. No matter how much of the small chat we have with my addiction, it never feels like anything is said. It feels like I am living a double life in secret.

    I am deathly afraid of her losing trust in me and that is why I keep it a secret. I am still trying to figure out the best way to sit down and talk to her. I think we need to have a real plan when talking about it with our SO and understand how far the conversation is gonna be.

    I want to be the best man I can be for her, especially with the pandemic going on and always being with her now. We can be better and doing something like what we are doing is extremely helpful on our path to being better men.
    rut66 and dannyboy91 like this.
  6. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    I haven’t relapsed but I have definitely fallen into numerous shame spirals since the start of recovery. Every single time I say something hurtful to my wife or punch myself in the head or break/ damage something etc. Afterwards I always think, “You’ve done this before; how could you possibly think the result would be any different?!” It’s like that with relapses. Again and again you tell yourself this one will fix everything, this one will be the last one, this one will be different. I know from experience that it never is.

    The key is to recognise this and stop it before it escalates, and the only way you’ll do this is by self-reflection. Every time you relapse think about what you need to do differently next time. Be accountable to your wife but most importantly to yourself. If you were looking at P-subs on Instagram before you relapsed, uninstall Instagram. Next time if you use Facebook to look at P-subs instead, uninstall that too. It’s a process but every time you’ll get a little bit better. :)

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