Back to day 1 again. I could give the reasons why I feel I relapsed, however they may just come across as excuses. There is really no excuse for me to use P, webcam roulette sites or anything else. I have come to realise that this I my way of self-soothing. It has been since I was 11 or 12. I have brought this into my marriage which is so shit. I have done 12 steps and SAA, need to get back involved in this again. My wife does not deserve a man who looks for something (some twisted sense of fulfillment/comfort) in another woman. She does not deserve the hiding, the deceit. I need to find healthier ways of dealing with negative emotions. This addiction feels so deeply entrenched that I don't feel I can ever escape it. I hold on to the hope that there is a way out, that there is a better way of life for me. I did not picture myself being the man child I am today. I am choosing to take steps towards becoming who I was meant to be - A man of integrity, humility and strength. The first step is to open up with my wife again and tell her what has happened. When I relapse it tends to be a binge over a few days/week and then I just go back to intense shame and get stuck in that cycle. Does anyone else find it hard to admit defeat and relapses to your SO? I tend to not talk about the smaller slips, like psubs, from fear of upsetting her, but then this deceit then allows me to justify further slips which then leads to full-blown relapse. If only I would just man up and tell her straight away!