To tell you the honest truth, I did give up, a choice that I decided on a few months ago this year. I gave up because every woman I ever showed romantic interest in rejected me and I didn't want to experience that hurt or humiliation anymore (18 years is quite enough). However, after being porn free for over two-and-a-half months (next Tuesday will be three months), I've come to reflect on my past and rethink my views on relationships altogether.
Once upon a time, I was rejected by every single woman I ever approached, from the time I was 12 up until a few months ago. Each time only added to my frustration, confusion, self-loathing and overwhelming sense of depression. For years, I contemplated what I was doing wrong, but it wasn't until 2018 that I discovered the black pill, which at the time gave me satisfactory answers on why those rejections were happening. Not to mention MGTOW before that, who painted women as only being interested in a man's wealth and popularity, only to desert him when a more successful man came along, like the dog with a bone from the Aesop fable. However, having rejected those schools of thought (which led to me retrospectively reinterpreting my rejections as being entirely due to looks or lack of wealth and status), I think I now have a better understanding of why those rejections occurred in the first place.
I'll spare you the intimate details, but a funny fact about me is that I chafed at the notion of marriage and having children ever since I was a little boy. In 2016, I discovered MGTOW, who complained bitterly that modern women wish to enjoy all of the benefits of being in a relationship but without the responsibilities. That
responsibility falls on the man, who has to pay for dates, pay the bills and make all the big sacrifices, while most women expect a free lunch. However, the irony is that the MGTOW description of modern women fit me almost exactly. I used to associate women (in the context of relationships) with incessant nagging and complaints (
Do this! Do that! Why didn't you do X or Y?), while viewing children as noisy irritations (despite being the noisiest child myself).
Long story short, my attitude towards life could be best summed up by the song Listen by Izzy Stradlin. I wanted to do my own thing on my free time, which was basically any time of day that I wasn't at work or school. Coming home automatically meant relaxation, while anything or anyone that pulled me away from what I
wanted to do to attend to something I
had to do was aggravating. I wanted to do what I wanted when I had [what I considered to be] free time. Anyone who needed a favour was bothering me, even if I was financially dependent on them or they had done favours for me. In other words, I was the very thing thing that MGTOW's complained about in relationships, but I absolved myself of any responsibility. The irony of my way of thinking was rather embarrassing.
Getting back to relationships, imagine what I would be like if I entered a committed relationship with these flaws. I would be like a dog chasing a car; I wouldn't know what to do with one if I got one. Or I would just end up making the other person miserable because of my selfish way of thinking. It also doesn't help that I'm very sloppy, disorganized and a VERY BAD COMMUNICATOR. I recently attended a workshop that teaches conflict resolution; I consider that my first step to becoming better at communicating my wants and needs. Overall, I also need to teach myself how to set boundaries, how to negotiate and how to de-escalate in a workplace environment.
Not only that, but some women I pursued were not good women either. The girls I liked in high school were often very shallow, vain, rude and not very affluent, while having their reality shaped by both the dysfunction in their respective communities/families or entertainment media. I told myself that they were still worth pursuing, which was a big mistake on my part. Just because a woman gives you butterflies in your stomach doesn't mean that she is good relationship material. Besides, those ladies liked things I didn't like, had a taste in music I hated and cared about things I didn't find important. Plus, they didn't seem to think much about the future or developing personal skills that might serve them for when they were older. Much like incels they thought that their looks could carry them through life and that they would be beautiful and young forever.
Incels regularly criticize such women for their poor dating choices (these women are severely over-represented on the internet and social media), but they still insist on "looksmaxxing" to attract them anyway. Indeed, the toxic women they complain about do in fact exist, but I think the real takeaway is for men to learn to identify such women, understand how and why their behaviour is harmful and then learn to steer clear of them. Not to mention they complain that women they speak to often have zero personality or individuality; if that's the case, then why waste your time pursuing women or feeling bad about not being able to attract them.
I've now decided that the MGTOW and black pill content I absorbed over the years led to me avoiding responsibility for my improving my own behaviour, while shifting the blame for my personal failures with institutional/cultural pitfalls (MGTOW) or biological realities beyond my control (black pill). That's one of the key elements of ideological thinking: it's not you that has to change, but rather everything and everyone around you. I think that's why I agree with
@Leeo_30 when it comes to mindset. Sure there are things in life that we have no control over (for example, whether someone finds us attractive or not), but we can control how much responsibility we take in developing ourselves to overcome flaws that would otherwise harm a potential relationship.
I mentioned that I never wanted a wife or child. That hasn't changed much, but I do now realize that this choice was originally motivated by my own selfish personality, ingratitude and refusal to be a team player at home growing up or at work. Meanwhile, I pursued the wrong kind of girls in my youth and didn't consider personality, cultural or career differences that might make us incompatible. In other words, a lack of discernment.
To be fair, I can't tell you what you would personally have to change to make yourself more attractive. Your life is different than mine and we are all starting from a different place. However, I'm currently undecided on whether I want to try again in my pursuit, knowing what I know now, but I would never discourage someone from continuing to improve themselves. These days, I tell myself that the improvement is my own benefit to get through life; those skills can help with work and interacting with others. Last year, I also sought to self improve, but with the intent of attracting a woman. Not only did the girl I fixated on reject me, but I relapsed heavily into porn to cope with the embarrassment. What I'm trying to say is improving yourself for the wrong reasons can actually increase the chance of relapse.
Why don't you PM me and we can try to work on something together? Perhaps there's a strategy we can work out together with some more details.
