Hi CF's! I have decided to move my journal here. Please feel free to engage as the Spirit leads you. I value this group very much. Thanks much for walking this difficult walk with me. My previous journal posts are here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/married-guys-journal.249924/ Day 50 no PMO; Day 160 no P Feeling frustrated with myself. It's been more than a month since I started experiencing debilitating urges towards my wife. Things are down to a dull roar now, but still very much present, and still very much an ongoing wrestling of the flesh. I guess my battle is really with my own brain wiring, and that is showing up as an intense need for physical touch, sexual or non-sexual. Just to clarify, we do have plenty of non-sexual touch. We do hold hands whenever we can, and we have hugs, and she snuggles in when we have bedtime. I do wish she would want non-sexual massages more, but she doesn't really ask for them. I'm also very confused as to the 90 day goal...at this point, I'm fully expecting everything to be more of the same once the 90 days comes and goes. At least for me, I am a bit afraid of the chaser effect. And our betrayal trauma healing work is taking WAY longer and the progress is very incremental, so I really don't see a whole lot of moving the needle as far as our physical boundaries are concerned. All that to say that I have to really figure out a way to beat my own urges into submission. I think the mindset I've had isn't working at all: the mindset that I can somehow placate the deep-seated needs by feeding it on ration, through hugs and holding hands. It's like a giant purple monster with a ferocious appetite, and just giving him peanuts. The purple monster needs to go take a long fricking vacation and go away for a while. I saw my sex addiction therapist yesterday, and she suggested that I focus on my 2nd form of love language, which is quality time...and while engaging in quality time, to see non-touch ways of being intimate through the big list we have created together of the varied ways of being intimate apart from sexual touch. I think she is right on, and I will need to stop feeding the purple monster. In my struggles I have noticed that I'm starting to look for hits again on social media, or at work, or when I'm out and about. I really need to get back on the horse with my CBT work and be way more intentional about channeling sexual energy. I have thought about taking on the mindset of a "warrior monk": a formidable ferocious warrior who is determined on beating his body, mind, and spirit into submission, through channeling the power, strength, and will of his Creator. He can do this only through his reliance on his God. If you're a praying kind of person, I covet your prayers. This is literally the hardest thing I have ever done: to truly battle against my sinful nature. I know that the battle is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers in high places. I cannot do it on my own strength, but only on the strength of the One who has already won.