Warrior Monk Journal

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Hi CF's! I have decided to move my journal here. Please feel free to engage as the Spirit leads you. I value this group very much. Thanks much for walking this difficult walk with me.

    My previous journal posts are here:

    Day 50 no PMO; Day 160 no P
    Feeling frustrated with myself. It's been more than a month since I started experiencing debilitating urges towards my wife. Things are down to a dull roar now, but still very much present, and still very much an ongoing wrestling of the flesh. I guess my battle is really with my own brain wiring, and that is showing up as an intense need for physical touch, sexual or non-sexual.

    Just to clarify, we do have plenty of non-sexual touch. We do hold hands whenever we can, and we have hugs, and she snuggles in when we have bedtime. I do wish she would want non-sexual massages more, but she doesn't really ask for them.

    I'm also very confused as to the 90 day goal...at this point, I'm fully expecting everything to be more of the same once the 90 days comes and goes. At least for me, I am a bit afraid of the chaser effect. And our betrayal trauma healing work is taking WAY longer and the progress is very incremental, so I really don't see a whole lot of moving the needle as far as our physical boundaries are concerned.

    All that to say that I have to really figure out a way to beat my own urges into submission. I think the mindset I've had isn't working at all: the mindset that I can somehow placate the deep-seated needs by feeding it on ration, through hugs and holding hands. It's like a giant purple monster with a ferocious appetite, and just giving him peanuts. The purple monster needs to go take a long fricking vacation and go away for a while.

    I saw my sex addiction therapist yesterday, and she suggested that I focus on my 2nd form of love language, which is quality time...and while engaging in quality time, to see non-touch ways of being intimate through the big list we have created together of the varied ways of being intimate apart from sexual touch. I think she is right on, and I will need to stop feeding the purple monster.

    In my struggles I have noticed that I'm starting to look for hits again on social media, or at work, or when I'm out and about. I really need to get back on the horse with my CBT work and be way more intentional about channeling sexual energy.

    I have thought about taking on the mindset of a "warrior monk": a formidable ferocious warrior who is determined on beating his body, mind, and spirit into submission, through channeling the power, strength, and will of his Creator. He can do this only through his reliance on his God. If you're a praying kind of person, I covet your prayers. This is literally the hardest thing I have ever done: to truly battle against my sinful nature. I know that the battle is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers in high places. I cannot do it on my own strength, but only on the strength of the One who has already won.
    Tao Jones likes this.
  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Praying for you, my friend. This is indeed the fight of our lives. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever done to break free of it.

    That "purple monster" must be put to death. It must be starved completely. When it dies, it will rise again, transformed into what God always intended your sexual appetite to be. But until it goes into the grave, it will continue to exist in the twisted form you have allowed it to take these last many years.

    Romans 8:12-13 -- "Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live."
    Nuhope and Bob385 like this.
  3. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Amen Tao!! Thanks for your encouragement, and thank you for your prayers.

    Nuhope and Tao Jones like this.
  4. Bob385

    Bob385 Fapstronaut

    I'm praying for you too brother. Please pray for strength for me. "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you". James 4:7-10

    Saint Patrick (I'm not Roman Catholic, but this is what I believe we should be aiming for):
    "Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
    Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
    Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
    Christ where I lie, Christ where I sit, Christ where I arise,
    Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
    Christ in every eye that sees me,
    Christ in every ear that hears me.
    Salvation is of the Lord.
    Salvation is of the Christ.
    May your salvation, Lord, be ever with us."
  5. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Day 59 no PMO; Day 169 no P
    Wow one day from 60. I feel mixed today. On the one hand it is amazing that I am almost 2/3 done to my 90 days. On the other, it's technically over 5 months since no P. I am quite fatigued from all the hard work in therapy, journaling, study, working on sexual transmutation, betrayal trauma recovery for my spouse, reintegrating dissociated selves work through Teal Swan's Completion Process, digging and digging into my past and, the biggest piece: the deconstruction of self.

    The second biggest piece is undoing what I know to be love and what "loving" means toward my wife. I'm in the midst of completely reshaping all of that understanding, so in the meantime, my urges for sexual intimacy are at level 10 for days on end. My brain is trying to rewire real bad, and it's fighting itself real bad. Well Hard Mode is to blame. This is the longest streak without PO in my entire life...since 5 yrs old I believe.

    I told my wife the other day, that I am finally coming to terms that the 90th day will come and go, and my brain will need a whole lot more time to rewire itself with a completely new understanding of love, sex, intimacy, love, and just plain living life.

    What are urges? What do I do with them? What if the urge is for something beautiful like intimacy with my wife? Wait...is that urge actually tainted with monkey brain, maladaptive, and convoluted view and understanding of love/sex/intimacy? Absolutely you darn right it is. Because deep down I never knew what real, unconditional love feels like and looks like. Now I want to. I want it really bad.

    [Trigger alert for those early in their journey]
    I do believe I am finally turning the corner. Something very surprising happened yesterday. I was taking our little guy to Lego Land, and because of where we parked, we ended up walking by Victoria's Secret. Well they are in holiday mode, and there was a 10ft picture of a model in full red undergarments. It was awe-inspiring. I actually took a full look. Well we rounded the corner, and there she was again, except it was a 14ft picture instead. You cannot help but to see her olive skin and perfect physique.

    I tried to put it out of my mind. We went to Lego Land, and spent some fun time there. I honestly had forgotten about the VS model. Well on the way back to the car, bam there she was. Except this time it was different. I did not gawk at her like I would at a page in a soft-porn magazine. I did not related to that image like I would at a thumbnail on a porn video website. I did not even want to have sex with her in my mind. Instead, I fully enjoyed her beauty and was thankful for it, like I would looking at Mount Baker in WA on a clear day up close from another peak. I did not lust after her in my heart. What was really surprising was that I let her remind me of my beautiful wife, of my wife's body, and of my desire for my wife that has been burning a hole in my heart the last 60 days+. I was floored.

    [Safe Non-triggering stuff ahead]
    This was a turning point for me for sure. For the first time in my life I was confronted with a bigger-than-life soft porn image, and I related to it in a completely different way. A part of my brain had been rewired. All the days of redirecting my gaze, and thanking God for women's beauty who were not my wife, had worked.

    I do still struggle with trying to get "hits" with P-sub stuff, like on social media, or YouTube, or even browsing movie thumbnails on Netflix or Amz Prime. But real porn has not entered the picture since May. I figured out that Instagram is the devil, and there is no filtering capabilities on it whatsoever, so I actually took the apps off my devices. Actual accountability with my wife, where she has complete access to all my browsing history on all devices, as well as Netflix and Amz all helps. And our internet and mobile devices are on complete lock-down as well. The next step now is to get all the mild P-sub stuff under control as well.

    I started an urge log/journal. It should really help me identify what's really going on. It's long-overdue.
    Tao Jones likes this.
  6. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Great update. Ridding myself of P-subs was the beginning of the end for PMO addiction in my life. Staying clear of them forever is the key to a pure mind and heart. You are on your way! Keep up the amazing work.
    Bob385, MNWinter and Nuhope like this.
  7. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Day 60 no PMO; Day 170 no P
    Milestone day today! Feeling great, and even though my wife is out of town on a work conference, the little guy and I had a fun weekend together. Save for a little bit of dangerous wandering on the web, I caught myself and always reminded myself that NOTHING is worth resetting the clock anymore, and the subsequent hurtful conversation that would ensue with the wife, and kicking the can of relationship recovery down the road yet again. I repeat, NOTHING is worth that. I have really started to let it sink in as well today at church that preoccupation with sexual thoughts is nothing short of a mental condition, like that of any other kind of substance addiction. Both my God-brothers had history with either alcohol and/or drugs, and I understand the pain and the idea of going back, seemingly helpless of the physical draw of the intense urges. I now know that I have power over this thing, and with God's help, this change will be permanent. It will take a lifetime of vigilance, lots of prayer, and continual intentional work: psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Attempting to rewire the brain is no-joke. Attempting to re-wire the heart and soul after decades of self-deceit is even more daunting. But it'll happen. It's already happening.
    mrtumnus and Tao Jones like this.
  8. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    You are doing well! Mind the "dangerous wandering." That will sink you fast. Keep moving ahead a day at a time.

    Congrats on 60!
    MNWinter likes this.
  9. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Yep I know to put the phone down and computer off and read, pray, meditate now. Going monk mode starting on Nov starting to prep now...

    Thanks Tao!

    Tao Jones likes this.
  10. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Day 67 no PMO; Day 177 no P
    It’s been a little while since I posted. I’ve picked up several dad mornings to let my wife sleep in, as she has been having terrible sleep patterns this last week. A bunch of it was due to her anger issues.

    When discussing the anger of my SO, my mentors, therapists, and peer support this week has resoundingly encouraged me to have lots of patience, and understand that her anger is outside my fence, and that I need to work on myself, and she needs to work on her.

    Well all that sounded like very sound advice. However, this morning, I engaged her unilaterally, and apologized for all the wrong I’ve done this week, and her demeanor completely changed. She asked me why I waited so long to engage her. OH MAN. What the heck.

    In counseling, we’ve set the boundary that I would not attempt to sit with her anger apart from our couples counseling sessions for emotional safety. Well that boundary has to shift now. I have concluded that a whole entire week is way too long to wait. Besides that, it wasn’t so bad this morning. I thought it might get too overwhelming, and I’d have to exit. I felt enough inner strength, and reminded myself of what one of the mentors said. When I asked about how to sit with her anger, worrying about shame, my mentor asked, “Are there things you are proud of in your recovery?” I said, “Absolutely! All the therapy, self-reflection, prayer, and the complete reconstruction of self is starting to pay-off.” Well I sat with that in the background, and it completely helped me get through sitting with her anger.

    Now I know that I can do it. Next time though, I will remind her that I am still working on sitting with her emotions, and that I might get overwhelmed and might have to exit and take a breath, and to not be alarmed. This was the advice from one of the books I’m reading about this process.

    I am still very hopeful. I shared my hope with my wife. She was pretty much floored. But I spoke the truth in my heart. I am hopeful of what our relationship will look like on the other side of this intense recovery and therapy season. I am excited for the new, integrated, and reconstructed version of myself, who is no longer enslaved to pain, trauma, wounds, and destructive coping mechanisms.
    mrtumnus and Tao Jones like this.
  11. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Day 72 no PMO; Day 182 no P

    A Recovery Prayer
    By MNWinter

    Dear Lord Jesus,

    Thank you for being my Comforter, Friend, and Wonderful Counselor. You are my Prince of Peace. You are my strength. When you increase, I decrease. Lord please give me the courage to wade into the pain and traumas that have been dormant in my life, to invite you into those deep parts of my soul, so that your Holy Presence can heal and bring restoration to those parts that I have kept from you. Some of these parts I didn’t even know existed. Some are very old, since when I was only a child. Some are recent.

    Yet through it all I have not allowed you to minister to me when I hurt, and instead have ran into the arms of the enemy as that was the way I learned to cope so long ago. You are now showing me healthy and Godly ways to cope with my pain, fears, doubt, hurt, and trauma. You are making old things new. You are creating new pathways for me, paths that lead to truth, peace, and unconditional love.

    You have accepted me for all that I am: the good and the bad parts. You died on the cross for me WHILE I was yet in my sin. I thank you for doing what seems to me, a man, the impossible way of love: to love even I have betrayed you and have continued to do so. You have loved me in spite of my shortcomings and direct assault upon you as my Savior, through sin, deception, lies, and outright disobedience. I have no excuses. Thank you for your Grace Lord, and help me to never take it for granted again.

    Lord forgive me for the lies: the lies I have told myself, to You, and to my loved ones. Forgive me for believing in the lies of the enemy, and letting them take deep root within my soul. You are now digging up those deep roots, and replanting with truth.

    Thank you Lord for my Godly wife who loves You and have dedicated her life to Your service. Lord please give her Your strength in this difficult season. Please grant her Your peace. Please bring to her life other Christian women on the same journey so they can bear one another’s burdens, pain, suffering, and joy. Thank you for providing mentors and therapists to us in this journey.

    Lord please go ahead of me now on my journey towards wholeness, and show me the steps to all truth. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
    Gangstar likes this.
  12. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Day 77 no PMO; Day 187 no P
    Wow I really can't believe 90 days is within sight now. Less than 2 weeks away. The great news is that my wife is starting to open up, and her therapy is starting to work. She still has anger in her heart, and forgiveness is still elusive. However, there are huge gains. We had a great therapy session today, and anger has stepped aside to reveal deep sadness. It was incredibly healing today. She has also relaxed her guard when it comes to physical intimacy, so we can at least snuggle and spoon now. It's a huge step compared with earlier in our 90 days.

    It's been tough mentally as my desire for her has never abated, only put on pause. I welcome the increased intimacy, yet it is incredibly difficult at the same time. I have to do Qigong in bed after snuggles to transmute all that sexual energy and tension.

    Still keeping my routines: journaling, gym time, martial arts, qigong, prayer, reading, audiobooks, therapy. The hard piece of the Completion Process is coming to a head, and I'm procrastinating hard. I hope to get through that piece this weekend. I covet your prayers in this! For those of you unfamiliar, the Completion Process (by Teal Swan) is a self-guided therapy modality which integrates dissociated selves due to past hurt and trauma. It is insanely deep work...work that I know I must do in order to finish the work that has been happening since May. I think I will need to actually schedule the time in my calendar so I cannot escape and procrastinate any more...

    Thanks guys for reading my journal...those of you who are following. Please do comment, even if it's just to leave a prayer for me. It's really the last sprint now.
    Tao Jones likes this.
  13. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I don't know the Completion Process, but it reminds me of the "moral inventory" I did as part of 12-step work. It was excruciating work, and I am glad I had a sponsor to help coach me through it. Of all the work I have done in recovery, it was some of the most difficult and most helpful and rewarding. By going through the process, I learned about patterns of behavior in my life that I had never seen before. I came out of the "tunnel of chaos" a bit wiser and much better informed about why I turned to PMO in the first place. It didn't immediately fix everything -- true and lasting recovery was still years off for me -- but it was a very important step on the journey.

    I pray for good success for you on yours!
    MNWinter likes this.
  14. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Thanks Tao! I appreciate your prayers very much!

    Tao Jones likes this.
  15. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    LOL Discord says, "ThreeHappiness#xxxx has hired a samurai to slay all friend requests. You'll have to ask them to add you." My user name is of course @MNWinter on Discord. Thanks Tao!
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2019
  16. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I need the four-digits after your username, too. You can send it to me privately if you do not want to get spammed by friend requests. Now you know why I have mine set the way I do. ;-)
  17. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Day 84 no PMO; Day 194 no P
    Well it's been a little while since I posted. The Completion Process was intense. It was the first intense weekend to kick it off, and apparently the work was so deep that my body demanded a big break. So I'm nursing a cold now. Hopefully it'll be over by the weekend. For anyone interested in this work PM me I'll be happy to share.

    I guess I am in the middle of another flatline, as I'm less than a week away from day 90, and I don't really feel a thing. Recovering from intense therapy and a cold might have something to do with that.

    This is the first illness since I started my reboot. In the past illnesses I would turn to PMO out of boredom, or to cope, or both. So being ill is mildly triggering. It's just an incredible reminder of how far I've come. I don't have any urges. Although a couple nights ago I clicked on a couple of links from a news website, and stopped myself. It just goes to show that the temptation is always around the corner, and we have to stay vigilant.

    My wife's mentor has recommended a book that puts us back on a journey towards physical intimacy. As touch is my first love language, I really can't wait for that process to unfold. Of course, she holds all the keys. She even put down an ultimatum that I CANNOT read the book, and if I sneak a peek, she will set a 30 day no touch boundary as a consequence. I get it. I told her that as long as she leaves it with her journal and her women's group workbook, I have no reason to go snooping. I can't deny the urge, although it's just a passing thought, not really a real pressing urge.

    Thanks for the brothers in Christ who prayed for me this weekend. It was crazy deep work that the Lord did. I can't wait til the next round. Although I will make sure I'm in top physical shape and pumped full of vitamins before I get into it again.
    Tao Jones likes this.
  18. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Day 87 no PMO; Day 197 no P
    Going through a weird time this weekend. It could be that I'm going through my first sickness since the reboot started back in May. But I'm feeling really flatlined. I feel I should be crawling out of my skin right now, as it is tomorrow is day 88 of 90 days reboot, and me and my wife get to get back on the road to physical intimacy. Instead I'm feeling numb, couldn't get to the gym all week due to this cold, and watching a ton of Netflix...just feeling like a freaking bum. Still reading a lot, but not near as much as when I was well, and generally avoiding recovery work. Ick I just can't wait til this slump is over. Thanks for listening.
    Tao Jones likes this.
  19. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    You're here, doing the work. The main thing during the down times is to simply not PMO. Rest up, heal up, but do not go back into the pit for any reason. Rest is actually central to the life of the disciple, so it is no bad thing to learn how to do it better.
  20. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Hi Tao I appreciated this encouragement a lot. Doing ok so far. Yes staying vigilant.

    Tao Jones likes this.

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